Well, I'm hovering over that send button. I feel that had I sent her an email when I discovered phone contact in August (I had composed one, never sent it) what's happening now could have been prevented. Who knows really. But I can't take having a woman tell my husband how in love she is with him (they renewed phone contact a couple of weeks ago and she had a light bulb moment and all her feelings for him rushed back in an instant) how she wants to rub oils on his body and lick edible underwear off him. She's got him calling her "baby" again and telling her he loves and misses her.
I just want this babe to get a reality check.
Anyone have any experience in emails and contacting OW?

Well, I emailed my W's OM and I can't say that it made any difference. He still doesn't seem to consider me to be a human being. He still doesn't seem to care that his actions hurt me. He even sent a birthday gift to my daughter! That really hurt. Is he trying to steal her affection too?<p>I think that the OP generally has decided that what they are doing is fine and they don't consider your feelings at all. Threats might work for some people, but I just haven't seen any benefit from my contact with OM.<p>-AD

At 3 weeks into 'recovery', when I discovered there was still contact with OW#1 via email (and possibly the odd phone call at work), I chose to email her.<p>My letter was surprisingly calm. I asked her to be the better person and to stop contacting MY H so that he and I could work on our marriage.<p>I showed H the email I sent AFTER I sent it. And needless to say, we had a LONG talk about his continued contact. I gave him an ultimatum. Either he stop all contact with her, or move out. He stayed.<p>She wrote me back the next day. Ohhh... the nasty words and accusations she flung my way were incredible! So you KNOW I showed H right away. For him, that was a great eye opener, and he had little trouble ending the contact from that point on (the A was just about dead from natural causes at that point too).<p>Not sure what else to say... that was my experience with emailing OW#1.<p>Karen

Alberta, I read your story and was very saddened. The XOW was the aggressor in my H's relationship with her too. Yours sounds like the same kind of predator - and the word "predator" comes from my IC. XOW continued her games with my H through three engagements of her own as well as his engagement to me. She openly admitted that she could not bear the thought of him being happy with anybody else, so she always hit the high notes with him as soon as he told her he was getting interested in somebody. Oh yes, she's in Tasmania, we're in California. Neither she nor H really wanted the other for a real relationship; they'd tried that, over 5 years when she still lived here, and failed miserably. <p>I did email her, 7 months after Dday, which was not quite 3 weeks after my wedding day. H had continued his romantic involvement with her despite all his promises, he "broke off" with her several times for my benefit, only to renege the very next day as soon as he could reach his work computer. He "didn't want to hurt her", "exaggerated greatly in his replies to her", "felt obligated to respond in kind because he felt guilty", "got confused and his feelings got all worked up again whenever she emailed or phoned." "She's not really like that, she has bipolar disorder," "how can I abandon somebody who might kill herself."<p>I got completely fed up, told H he had to make up his mind once and for all, he said it was me all the time, he just didn't know how to break off with her.<p>I emailed her, told her that I knew about her involvement with my H, and that it was O-V-E-R between her and him. She wrote back that his marriage to me should not be allowed to come between them, that they were only friends, that I didn't know what he'd promised her and I should just cut my crap. I wrote back, telling her perfectly honestly that I had read every single email that had passed between them and that my H had confessed about the phone calls and the content of their phone conversations, that I had read her emails begging him to divorce me and offering to pay all the costs, I'd seen all her sextalk stuff and that's not the way that friends behave. Her reply: that none of that mattered because he'd chosen me. And she signed herself my true friend, with hugs..... <p>Did it help? Yes and no. My H was actually relieved to have had the romantic connection broken. He continued in open, completely non-romantic contact with her, for another 8 excruciating months; he felt that they'd been "friends" for 10 years before he met me..... XOW tried over and over to reignite things with him, sending clandestine messages to his work email, which he forwarded to home and answered from here. She phoned, "just as a friend", and tried the old "do you remember" game. She got more and more openly vindictive and malicious. Finally, after a month-long burst of nastiness, I gave H a real ultimatum. He emailed and told her to stop. XOW phoned and asked H if he really wanted to end all contact - he said yes. That was nearly 9 months ago now, and it is over.<p>Problems with this outcome:
I feel that H never chose me, just sat on the fence waiting for one of us to drop out - to the victrix go the spoils.
I resent having been his cat's paw to rake him out of the fire he jumped into with her. I was the one who got badly burnt.
I sometimes look at him with a shade of contempt; I wonder about his ethics that he'd be willing to play us off against each other like that, that he didn't have the moral courage to end a very sick situation.
I feel that seeing essentially I broke things off between him and her, he will always have that option to say it wasn't by his own choice, and reopen contact with her.
I feel that seeing in the end she dropped him, she can pick him up again, and the power is still hers. <p>My H says no way, he's seen through her now, he's in love with me. I don't believe him.<p>I sometimes wish I had never hit the Send button..... Sometimes I'm glad I did, because XOW started to fold when she realised that it was out in the open, and her incriminating messages were in my hands. The EA died, just as Harley says it will once revealed. Take out the thrill of the secrecy, the glow and glamour of the passion, and all you have is the sordid truth.<p>I don't know if any of this is of any help to you, but felt impelled to share my experience.<p>Best wishes, Alberta. I don't think your H is really in love with OW, just flattered by all this wonderful passion and probably feeling obligated to respond in kind - see first paragraph! His actions, however, show that he's with you from choice even though he doesn't want to admit it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Alberta:
<strong>Anyone have any experience in emails and contacting OW?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes. Steve and Jennifer Harley. Contact them throuygh the counseling center here and make an emergency appointment. You are at a crucial pooint and this is not time for amateur opinions or anecdotal evidence.<p>Best wishes,<p>Mike

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Alberta:
<strong>
Anyone have any experience in emails and contacting OW?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>We never had emails to deal with, but LOTS of phone calls. The first week of the A I had suspicions pressed redial and got her. I simply said these 2 sentences "This is Mrs. Cheater's wife. Can I ask why he would be calling you?" sh then proceeded to tell me she didnt' appreciate my accusations (what accusations?), that she wasn't "that kind of person" (obviously she was lol), and that she hadn't even spoken to him since she got a new job a month earlier (I later found a cell phone bill that showed she spoke to him for 45 minutes earlier that same day). After she got dumped she couldn't wait to call me and spill her guts (suddenly I "deserved to know" ROFL). She ketp harassing me and calling my H at work constantly, begging him on his voicemail to come back to her, to call her, to see her etc. I finally calle dher and had it out with her one last time, it wasn't pleasant, but we never heard from her again. I was at a point in recovery by that time though where my calling her and reading her the riot act didn't bother my H in the least. But depending on your H, and where he is, it could backfire. Keep in mind though that the OW will do and say anything to keep the affair going. She doesn't care about you, you are just a big inconvenience on the bliss filled road to a perfect fantasy life with her dream man and she would like to see you just disappear. If she can tell you things to hurt you, she will. They seem to enjoy that. She will also lies her a** off if that is what benefits her situation. As much as the WS lies, the OP has no problem keeping up with the pace in the "liar, liar pants on fire" department if it is in the OP's best interest. So contacting her can be a double edged sword. My final phone call with her gave me some satisfaction and it did get her to leave us alone. But it could make your spouse angry, which isnt' a good thing.

Thank you ALL from a very hungover Alberta! I managed to suck back a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc last night. Not a good idea. <p>Mike - good advice. I won't be calling the Harley's - too expensive you know and I deal in Cdn dollars - even MORE expensive for me. I know, how can I put a dollar value on my life, my future but I do have an appointment set up for Friday with a counsellor that we were seeing who has the Harley books and is familiar with his principles. And it is covered under our insurance.
At this point I am going alone.<p>I have come so close to calling her at her work - a few times today, but something is stopping me and I have to trust that instinct. <p>My H and I have not had any opportunity to really talk this latest stuff out. It happened just prior to him working two nights this weekend. So with sleeping during the day and going off to work until the morning, we just haven't connected.
I have come to him with a few LB's - angry outbursts upon discovering more and more, but I apologize and regroup. I think he understands the anger thing.<p>I guess I just need to cool my jets, do some work or something to keep me occupied until such time that we can have true one on one time to really talk this over. <p>I waffle between fear and resolve. It's very strange. I haven't done much crying really. I just want to resolve this and be able to have the life I deserve.

Alberta,
I am glad you are doing better. I always appreciate your posts. Yep these OPs are sure a 'special' bunch of nuts and bolts..... it is sure hard to keep from contacting them but if the OW is somewhat psyco that may be just what they want. <p>When the OW called the house a few weeks ago, I put her on hold (I was on the phone with SIL and H was just coming in the house). OW was trying to talk to him on the phone and he hung up on her. Special OW, she called and id'd herself as his 'girlfriend'. Needless to say, it irked me and the only thing I could do was put her on hold. However, H saw me stress and agreed that the next time I could turn her into the police which is what the police said to do. Since I have never turned anyone in before, I guess I have put up with more than what I should. <p>I just want to say, don't play the OW games and don't give her the satisfaction of anything. You are better than that. <p>JSO, wow the OW in your situation could be the evil twin of the one we are dealing with. You gotta wonder how our H's pick such winners...... you seem to be doing good and I would like to welcome you to MB. <p>This thread has helped me to since the OW likes to make contact. The one funny piece on our side is that whenever she calls from her cell phone (I don't allow private calls) her H's name comes up on the caller id.......now how A romantic can that be?!?!?! he he he!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

Alberta,<p>I did e mail OW, a very calm e mail, no name calling or anything like that. Just asked her to consider what it was she was doing and that her actions were involving a lot of people other then her and my husband, never got a response from her, she showed it to WH and he got in my face about it. <p>I e mailed because I had a need to do it, so can't say what might be right for you I did what I thought was best for me!<p>Dawn