Hi,
Since finding out about my wife's affair I have become a lot more fixated on sex. Both from the point of view that I want to have sex with her all the time and from the point of view that I would like to buy sex toys to use on her, etc. I really feel like this kind of fixation is unhealthy...after all, I am not able to have sex with my wife whenever I have the desire, now more than ever it is totally in her court whether we have sex or not. So I often feel sexually frustrated.<p>Also, I think I am using the sex act for the replacement of affection. Seriously, I tell my wife I love her many times a day, and she will go weeks without telling me that she loves me--and that just kills me. I really miss her love.<p>Does anyone else feel this way? What did you do about it?

I think you have a pretty good handle on the underlying cause of this 'problem'. I think that subconsciously you are trying to win her back with what you feel she left for. I know your brain knows that isn't why but your ego probably still falls for it.<p>I think maybe if you stop fawning over her, telling her you love her all the time, she will come around in that aspect. After a few days, I think she will miss hearing it and either start to say it to you or ask why you stopped then you can tell her because she rarely responded. I was married to a man for a long time who never said he loved me, even when I asked. We've been happily divorced for four years now.

I've been having the same feelings you are, but probably on a smaller scale. After Dday, I all I wanted to do was have sex with my H. Since Dday, we have had sex a few times and it's been amazing, for me, at least. Unfortunatley, H said (after the 1st time) that he felt like he was betraying the OW (ouch!) I took that as the fog talking, but it didn't stop him from having sex with me again a few weeks later, and he actually admitted to me that it "felt right". Bonus!<p>I find myself "gagging for it", if I'm honest! I think, for me, it's a case of wanting what is no longer there. My H moved out of the house about 3 weeks ago and our bed is now a very lonely place to be. I often find myself wishing he was there with me, sexually and emotionally. Rather than driving myself insane thinking about him *not* being there, I take time to stop and treasure the times he is. He spent the night last week and as we held each other, I just kept saying to myself over and over, "be here in this moment and enjoy it for all it's worth". I still smile when I think of him being here with me last week, and that certainly helps me when I find myself on the down times when I'm on my rollercoaster. <p>So yeah, I think it's quite normal to feel what you're feeling. Others may disagree, but there's my opinion for what it's worth!<p>:)<p>venusenvy

Pikachu:<p>My W and I have not had sex for almost 3 months, and she has verbalized she has no desire for sex since admitting to EA several weeks ago. I have experienced the exact same feelings you have about having sex with my W and lots of it. Here are my reasons (not in any order):<p>1. Now that I can't get it, I really want it.<p>2. I realize I truly love my W and, especially after reading about how M can greatly improve after A, I want to get to this place ASAP, including the (great) sex!!<p>3. The act is very intimate and it would be reassuring to me to do it.<p>4. I want to make all aspects of our M great and I too have been thinking about purchasing sex gadgets to spice things up (Will wait on this until we start "regular" sex first).<p>5. You mentioned you may be using sex as replacement for affection. I can see that this may be the case for me too, although I would prefer to think sex would be in addition to affection I have been showing.<p>As for telling your W that you love her, I do so now several times a day and it's starting to become much more natural (like it was when I first fell in love with her). The best response I get is a "thank you" right now. She is slowly warming up and I can almost see the love bank starting to get in the black again (I really can!!).<p>My advice: If you truly love her, tell her, and tell her a lot. I wouldn't start playing any games about who says it the most. She does tell you sometimes. If she doesn't start saying it more often and this still bothers you, I think you need to share these feelings with her in an appropriate manner.<p>Jsut my 2 cents.

rjb2,<p>I agree with everything you say.<p>I really wasn't suggesting a 'who blinks first' game--just that sometimes we take things for granted but really think about them when they are gone.

Same exact thing here, down to the toys and everything! <p>I was deprived during most of H's A (at least 5 months w/no sex), so once I was finally getting some, I've been pretty insatiable--hard for H to keep up.<p>I also got very aggressive, showing him exactly what to do for me for the first time ever--no more fear of rejection or of what he would think of me or that I might make him feel bad for not doing it right!<p>Since my ENs hadn't been met in years, I was vulnerable to an A, so I decided to just have it with H while he's willing. I've even told him that that is what I consider our current relationship to be (an affair) because I will not commit to a M filled with so much deception.<p>My desire remains high because I don't know how much longer I can stand the continued deception before I finally throw in the towel, and I want to get all I can while the gettin's good. It's sure a lot easier than having to try to build that level of sexual compatibility with someone new.<p>Sometimes I think I'm staying in the M just so I won't have to do without sex again.

Me too,
Whatever being said here applies to me. Unfortunately, my wife didn&#8217;t want me to even touch her after d-day (21 months ago), left alone the kissing, the hugging, and the lovemaking. I have NOT had sex with my wife since d-day.<p>My wife finally let me hug her a few weeks ago, but she would not hug me back. She completely shut her off from that affection and/or intimacy when it comes to me. I still sleep in a separate bedroom.<p>I hope that none of you would have to wait that long to be connected to your spouse again. <p>Good luck.

Ditto all that was said here. The more you miss it the more you miss it.
It seems to me that for a man sex is usually the most important EN and when other needs are left unmet then sex is the one that is felt as a result. Makes sense to me as I feel that way and good sex can make most other ENs fade into the fog for me.
OOOO you are a saint and I am in awe of your resolve. I hope I can show as much strength as you do. I am only a few months into recovery so I am sure I have a few surprises yet. I hope I do not need that kind of strength but knowing someone has it makes it seem more possible that I will have it when I need it.