This past weekend, my WW went to a conference. She was away Friday evening, stayed in a hotel, by choice (didn't have to). I thought she'd come back Sunday, but as it turns out, she came back Saturday night. I decided to do a few things Saturday for myself - got some new clothes, etc. - generally taking care of myself.<p>When I got home, I was surprised to see her, but greeted her warmly, etc. She even admitted that her time away from me gave her a chance to think about us, and consider maybe whether she hasn't been trying hard enough. But then, she talked to her friend on the phone on Sunday AM and said, "... but I'm still screwed up." Okay, stay focused J.R. - extreme Plan A.<p>So -- what am I trying to say? Here's a few things I found that were effective this past weekend:<p>- Act independent, confident, and happy. By action, try to say "I prefer to work on us, but I don't need you to be happy." Showing pride in yourself helps them develop pride in you too, I think. I don't think she's leaving me when I'm acting happy and confident - no gaurantees, but most likely.<p>- Guys: get flannel (or whatever else makes you look hot to your W) - make 'em want you. My W and I haven't had SF for a while now (10 long weeks), but on Sunday, wearing some of my new clothes, she admitted she really, really wanted to and would - if it weren't for the fact that she's considering divorcing me!! (as the fog horn sounds in distance!) She let me rub her neck/back too - turned into filling some EN for affection - yeah! - almost killed me, though - but I'll take it!! Basically, I helped her focus on some of the things she really likes about me that OM may not have to the same level - looks, etc.<p>- Use jijitsu - use their negative energy to your advantage. At one point, I explicitly made it clear to her: "I want what you want" - "I'm on the same side of the fence as you are" - etc. I was attempting to let her know she IS free, that she CAN leave, that I won't stop her, but that I also made it clear that I prefered to work on "us" - so if she goes, she takes responsiblity for the outcome of that decision, but if she stays, I'll be taking much of the responsibility for that.<p>- Give them no reason to be negative with you. I found that W was so "defeated" in trying to find reasons to hate me, that she actually had to invent something in her own mind. For example, I did some of the laundry while she was gone - normally a nice gesture, right?? Well, she said she was irritated that I'd done some of her stuff! Geeze, how was I to know that being nice was a bad thing? She knew she was being unreasonable, but couldn't help herself. But I dealt with that too using Plan A mentality, and the weekend ended fairly well, I think. (I avoided a LB incident by excusing myself too - gave her some more time to consider losing me.)<p>Moral of the story - for all my mounting frustration, as long as I can see my actions having an effect on her, I'm able to deal with my negative feelings. And I can slowly start to develop more "directed strategies" based on what I see that works and doesn't, I hope. And a lot of it is based on things I do for myself that indirectly impacts her. So things aren't okay by a long shot - but these kinds of things do show promise, I think.<p>I'll open the floor: How about other ideas for little things that you've done that have been effective in your Plan A efforts?

JR,
I think you're so right about emitting the right attitude: They are free to leave, but they will be leaving someone willing to shoulder their share of responsibility for the M--the destruction of it as well as the rebuilding of it.<p>The basic thing to keep in mind is what you pointed out: Keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't, and keep trying new things to find what works best.<p>I also want to add how important it is to look for those baby steps of improvement. Sometimes they're only a flicker of a toenail rather than an actual step it seems, but still seeing that little bit helps.<p>For instance, I've noticed that with practice I have gotten better at approaching my H about things (what I call saying "Ouch" when he hurts me) rather than keeping it in, an old destructive pattern of mine that I didn't think would serve my plan A very well because my resentment level was already so high after years of stuffing my feelings. I'm doing better at sharing my feelings without LBs and without reacting to his reaction. Also, I've noticed that his responses to my expressions of "ouch" have become less and less vicious--far from where I'd like him to be (taking responsibility for hurting me and striving not to do it anymore), but progress nonetheless.

Conqueror,<p>First, ironic - 9/3/01 same day as my first d-day (I noticed 9/3/01 in your sig.)<p>The other point I wanted to make - being charming is something I've always hoped I was all along, but got lazy about it. So this is great practice - if things work out, WW will love it. If it doesn't, I'll sure need it, sadly!!!