Help! If anyone out in MB land has read the Give & Take book, I have some questions. Sorry, I haven't ordered or read the book. I looked through the stuff on the website, and figured I understood enough.....obviously I don't. BUT there are a lot of books that I'm trying to finish reading right now, so don't need to start another one.<p>My questions concern a comment I read that someone made a few weeks ago. It's been 'rattling around' in my head ever since. They said something about a "Giver Snap." Uh, is that a "real concept" discussed in the book?<p>I'm gonna take a giant stab in the dark here and say that that is what happens when your "GIVER" feels like they just can't give anymore, and they SNAP thus becoming takers. <p>Is this accurate? Is that what the book talks about? What can cause it? What happens to the giver mentality? Does the giver ever go back to being a giver again, or is this a permanent change?<p>Anyone?<p>TIA,
Lupo

I have never read the book but it sounds like an experience I had with my long term ex boyfriend. I have always been a giver. With him I gave and gave, bent over backwards for him and he just kept taking and taking. Quite suddenly one day I didn't care anymore. I just snapped. I never lifted a finger for him again or made any further efforts at the relationship and it didn't bother me one bit. Actually felt good. It ended for good about 6 months later and I was relieved when I walked out that door, never looked back.
It obviously didn't stop me from being a giver since my next major relationship was when I met my husband. During the time we were separated he actually made the realization that he was a taker and I was a giver and he hadn't been fair to me (this was as the fog was clearing). I guess when a taker hooks up with someone else he didn't realize was an even bigger taker (the xOW) it's a big bummer lol. I'm still a giver but he has made great strides in that department.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fairydust:
<strong>It obviously didn't stop me from being a giver since my next major relationship was when I met my husband. During the time we were separated he actually made the realization that he was a taker and I was a giver and he hadn't been fair to me .</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks, FD. This is kinda what I'm looking for, but not exactly.<p>My WH is the giver. I admit I was a *terrible* taker throughout a lot of our M. I mean, I wasn't a total Jerk, or anything. I worked full-time for every year of our M. I just expected HIM to help out around the house, understand when I was tired, or grumpy, etc. He was SOOOOO "giving" during our 1 1/2 year courtship. I had never experienced anything like it! He is just a giving person, so this wasn't a stretch for him.<p>However, I feel he has snapped! I saw him a month ago after a 5 month absence. He was SO obviously TAKING, and NOT giving anything. I gladly gave - gifts (it was close to his b/d), dinner, etc. He didn't even TRY to reciprocate! He even TOOK a kiss!!! Totally unexpected on my part! I thought it was out of residual "feelings" for me at the time, now I wonder if it was just part of his "new" person - TAKING! See, I haven't heard a WORD, not one, since that day. I kinda thought the *kiss* was an "awakening" of the person hiding in the fog....but since there's been NO MORE CONTACT, now I wonder if the kind, warm, GIVING H I once had has truly died, and this TAKING, selfish, cold mean man is here to stay?<p>I'm fairly SURE that OW is giving, giving, GIVING (everything - money, gifts, sex) to hold him. And I'm thinking he's learning TO LIKE IT!! Can this still be considered part of the fog? Will my kind, giving, warm, considerate, open, sharing H EVER come back to Planet Earth?<p>Lupo

Hi Lupo --
I haven't read the book, but Steve Harley talked about this concept with me during one of our counseling sessions.<p>You have it exactly right. When there is an imbalance in a relationship -- like mine -- where I was 99% the giver, and your needs are being neglected -- you can experience this "giver snap". Where you just stop. And become a taker.<p>For me -- this took YEARS. I was the one who did everything for everyone. H was along for the ride, and loved all the benefits. But you reach a point where you say "hey...what about me?" <p>I totally withdrew from H -- without him even noticing. It was business as usual -- me doing everything -- but losing my love for him everyday.
It amazes me that he didn't see the signs. Thats how invisible I was to him.