I gave my wife a plan B letter last Wednesday night but I'm still here, the apartment opens up Wednesday. I had left it open which one of us moves out, so I burned a day waiting for that, then I applied for the apartment. She filed for a hearing date on spouse/child support, which is February 5. But we were talking about an agreement, which I presented to her on Sunday.<p>Financially it's pretty generous, it assumes she remains a SAHM and I get no credit for overnights under the PA formula. Also described a stock sale to pay off the mortgage and one car, so she doesn't worry about those monthly payments. She worries about money a lot. She didn't trust me on the stock sale, though.<p>But on custody I stayed firm, partly at Steve Harley's suggestion. I first mentioned alternating weeks at each place. She came back with Thurs-Sat at my place, conveniently covering her nights out on the town. In the agreement I stuck with the one week rotation.<p>In my view, the 1 week gives the children a better chance to settle in. Both places are in the same school district, although I would have to drive them instead of them riding the bus. But I work at home so there is no need to pay for day care.<p>She tried to tell me that school mornings should be the same, and the weekends could be at my place. But then she said the time at my place shouldn't just be an adventure. I didn't quite get it. But then she said something that strikes home. Being a SAHM for 10 years, having the kids away that long strikes at her sense of worth. The kids have been her whole job for 10 years. An alternating weekly schedule won't let her find a job, even if she wanted to. She's never been away from the kids longer than 6 days; that's when I take them to visit my folks and she doesn't come.<p>So, I'm thinking great, here is something in plan B that will make her stop and think. I think the 50% overnights, or something close to it, is a reasonable expectation if we were to get divorced. I suggested that she talk to an attorney (again) hoping they would point out my terms are fair.<p>She went out Sunday night from 6 to 10:30 with some of the papers. I had made her 2 copies of all our bank statements, tax returns, titles, insurance policies, etc. So I guess the OM was looking it over. In fact, I think the Thurs-Sat proposal originally came from him, or another in that circle of friends.<p>Today, she was gone from 8:30 till about 7:30 tonight, again with all the papers.<p>This time, she swiped my diary and my copy of the apartment lease. She won't return the diary. It had the user id/password for this board in it. I changed the password this morning, apparently there were no rogue posts. I looked at some of my old posts and decided not to clean up. After all, she has the diary. I don't actually care what she reads. But I'd like the diary back because I use it. Maybe the OM isn't finished with it yet. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] She won't talk to me either.<p>We were planning to tell our kids on Sunday afternoon, about the separation. We didn't because she didn't like the terms and ran out. Maybe she's just planning to file for D. As I said, she won't talk.<p>I'll just push ahead with signing the lease on Wednesday morning. What do you think about moving out, before we have an agreement on custody? Do you think I'm being too harsh on the 50/50 split? Do you think a shorter time of rotation would actually be better for the kids?<p>It's really hard to stick this out. Can't work. It's just like the weeks after D-day. But on Sunday, she did say that I've done much better with family and kid things since February. So she knows I can change.<p>- Tom

Tom,
Sounds like you're being more than fair on the arrangements. Of course, with your W still in the fog, she undoubtedly will not see it that way. You do know that Plan B letters are for no contact, right? That's really hard when, in your situation, you have small children. Once the custody issues are settled, is there a third party who can help with transferring of the kids back and forth? A true Plan B means you have NO contact with WS. If that's at all possible, I think it's truly the best thing for YOU as the BS. It gives you time to strengthen yourself and keeps you from more emotional pain from the WS. It (ideally) also gives the WS time to see what life would truly be like without their spouse. I'm so sorry to see you going through this with small children. They really suffer the most (and most of it pretty silently). My children are older, but we've had major tension and pain in my house over this as well. My H and I are currently selling our house, both of us moving to apartments because he just can't see us "working on" the M anymore. It's a sad situation, but one that many people get through. Ask for God's direction and support. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days....<p>MOM

Thanks, MoM. I'm going to move out no matter what tomorrow. I didn't sleep last night and I can just feel my energy draining. I'm half expecting papers of some type to be served today.<p>My daughter is still here, leaves for kindergarten at 12:15. Then I'll start packing and the kids will be home at 3:35. So there it is.<p>Yes, I asked our pastor to be an intermediary and he agreed. My wife was PO'ed that I asked him or told him anything, even though she's been talking to him for months.<p>I was supposed to take our kids to St. Louis for Thanksgiving, then my wife has them for Christmas. She's having trouble rescheduling the Dr. appointment on Friday for the oldest. It's a legitimate issue. But I was counting on that trip.<p>Thanks for your prayers.<p>- Tom

Consult a lawyer before moving out. I can't stress that enough, it can affect your legal rights and visitation with the children.

BR - we signed a paper agreeing to a custody rotation where I have 5 overnights every 2 weeks, plus another Sunday having them back to Mom's by bedtime. It was drawn up by us, not a lawyer, prepared as 2 originals and witnessed.<p>- Tom