Well, what did you do 10+ years ago? At this point I am assuming that you had an affair.. is that right?<p>Did your wife admit that she made the entire thing up? If she has been email this om, has he been responding to her? Have you seen the emails from him? <p>Did your wife tell you that she made the story up to get you to end the marriage? Or are you assuming that? Perhaps, if it is indeed made up, that she made it up to get your attention? Does she feel like you do not pay enough attention to her? Or does she want to hurt you back the way you hurt her? <p>Ok, this thing of dragging old garbage up years after it happens is not just a female trait. There are many men who do this too… my ex-h for one. So I think that both men and women could give you some insight here.<p>When a person hangs on to anger, hurt, or other negativity for a long time, it is usually because they get some great gain out of it. Perhaps dredging this up gives her power over you in that you feel guilty and give her what she wants? Somewhere, in the book Surviing An Affair, Dr. Harley tells a story of a woman whose husband held her affair over her head for a very long time. Every time he wanted to get his way, he’d dredge it up. Dr. Harley told the woman to tell him that this was ruining her love for him. That if he wanted to loose her, to keep it up. If he wanted to keep her, to let it go. You may want to read through the book and find that story.<p>I believe that after an affair the WS owes it to the BS to truthfully answer all of their questions, listen to the BS express their anger and give some concessions to help the BS heal. However, there comes a time when the BS needs to move on. In my current marriage, I did this for about 3.5 months. After that I’ve had very few questions about my H’s affairs. Most of the anger is gone. Now at 8 months since D-day, we have worked through just about all of it. I realize that each situation has its own time line. But 10 years is pretty long. <p>My bet is that this has nothing to do with what you did 10 years ago. It has to do with her having unmet emotional needs. And the only way she feels she can get them filled is by blackmailing you and hurting you.<p>I would suggest that you make an appointment with Dr. Harley for some marriage coaching, with or with out your wife. He will know what to say to her and how to get things moving in the right direction.<p>Have you read the MB books… “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs”, and “Love Busters”? They will help you figure out what is missing in your marriage. If you and your wife will work on it together, the material is a wonderful roadmap to putting your marriage back together and re-igniting the romantic love that may be missing now.<p>RE: “DO ANY OF YOU WOMEN HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME ON HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN LET GO OF DEMONS FROM OVER 12+ YEARS AGO?”<p>As Merlin said.. “you love her, simply love her”. Now the trick is to figure out how to love her. One of the biggest concepts of marriage builders is that people usually show their love for their spouse in the way they want it to be shown. So most of the time we are all missing the mark because our spouse usually needs something different then what we need. And the only way to find out is to ask her what her most important emotional needs are and how she you to meet them. Have you and your wife filled out the emotional needs questionnaire? It can be very enlightening.<p>Hope this helps,<p>Z
