Just having one of my usual moments of panic so I guess I&#8217;m here to ask for a boost. Especially from the WH point of view. Maybe you can tell me where my H is coming from with this new behaviour?<p>As you may or may not know, H crashed the car last week (see my previous post &#8220;He crashed the car&#8230;) I Plan A&#8217;d all the way and H responded beautifully. Since then, things have been&#8230;well&#8230;different, I guess. We talked on the phone a couple of times over the weekend; I know that the OW wasn&#8217;t there because I could tell by the way he talked to me. Plus, he had told me that she asked if she could come see him and he said no; that he wanted to be on his own. I felt this was a *huge* step for him, since he&#8217;s been so unable to stay away from her since Dday. Anyway, I managed to keep our conversations out of the relationship realm, which was good. Just light talk and a few laughs. <p>Then, yesterday morning and this morning, I&#8217;ve received emails from him within an hour of him arriving at work. Since Dday, he&#8217;s not actually initiated any contact with me, so I felt this was a pretty big deal. I had always sent him emails and then he decided whether or not to answer. Drove me mad! But this week, it&#8217;s been *him* contacting me first and they&#8217;ve all been really nice. Again, nothing heavy, just talking about things on TV the night before and what&#8217;s been going on with the insurance company and with his job, etc...You know; normal conversation. And then, THEN, he said in one email, &#8220;maybe we could have an evening this week? I could take the company bus straight from work.&#8221; <p>Well that one threw me for a loop! It&#8217;s the first time he&#8217;s actually asked for time with me since he moved out! Unbelievable! I didn&#8217;t answer back because I had to leave the house. And I didn&#8217;t call him last night because I have vowed to give him his space. Anyway, this morning I woke up to find another email from him saying &#8220;So is tomorrow night good for you?&#8221; I answered back and said yes, and that if it would be easier/cheaper for him, he could stay the night and then catch the company bus back into work in the morning. (To be fair, I meant it &#8211; taxi home would cost a fortune. But I also wouldn&#8217;t mind a shag!) Still not heard back on that one, but we&#8217;ll see. So he&#8217;s been emailing me all day. Telling me what he had for lunch, sending me jokes, ect... Makes me feel good that he&#8217;s contacting me again. I&#8217;m even getting text msgs from him during the day, which again, hasn&#8217;t happened since Dday. <p>But tonight &#8211; ARG! I&#8217;m starting to go crazy. I miss him being here so much and I just want to pick up the phone and ring him to say hi. But I&#8217;m not going to. I&#8217;m going to let him do the phoning and let him do the emailing and just follow his lead. <p>Of course, now that I&#8217;ve just written all that, he&#8217;s just sent me a txt msg saying &#8220;A few guys from work invited me out for a drink so I am networking tonight. Ha Ha! Never know, may be able to squeeze a new job!&#8221; My response? ULTIMATE Plan A! &#8220;Cool! Glad you&#8217;re going out with new people! Have a great time, honey. Love you!&#8221;<p>So if I&#8217;m so horrible and such a bad wife, why on earth is being so nice to me now? After 6 weeks of being a complete and utter [censored], he is now acting as though I&#8217;m his friend and is initiating contact and wants to spend time with me. Is this the fog lifting? Is this my Plan A taking affect? Someone please tell me I&#8217;m doing this right. <p>Would also like to hear from other WH on this one &#8211; what do you think his behaviour is saying? Why his sudden turn-around? Suspicious of it, but hopeful!<p>Thanks everyone!
venusenvy

Not a WH, and i don't know what advice i could give. I just hope he isn't going to try to get his needs met by both YOU AND OW! Don't want to be negative here, but THINK VERY CAREFULLY about what you want to happen when he visits you. If you do have sex, and can NOT EXPECT ANYTHING afterwards then go for it, but if it would hurt to much if he doesn't decide he wants to come back home then don't do it. Right now they say not to expect anything of the WS because they themselves don't know what they want. But don't let him use you for sex if it is something that you can't handle.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't call him, let him initiate, play distant, friendly, no relationship talks....<p>You are doing great.<p>My H did the same thing for about 3 months before wanting to come home for real.

ditto Rosie - it's not a gender thing, OK? I've read of plenty of female WSs doing following the same script.<p>Keep doing what you're doing. Even be a little aloof. Just be ready for the inevitable "dip" on the coaster ride that WILL come. Please don't try to react to every sign - look long term and look beyond the day-to-day stuff. The really smart thing to do is to treat him EXACTLY the same way when his mood shifts - ?Cool! Have a great time, honey. Love you!?<p>OK?

ditto Rosie - it's not a gender thing, OK? I've read of plenty of female WSs following the same script.<p>Keep doing what you're doing. Even be a little aloof. Just be ready for the inevitable "dip" on the coaster ride that WILL come. Please don't try to react to every sign - look long term and look beyond the day-to-day stuff. The really smart thing to do is to treat him EXACTLY the same way when his mood shifts - ?Cool! Have a great time, honey. Love you!?<p>OK?<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Hi V,<p>I'm a BS who had a short (bin calls it a revenge A) A - which means that I'm also a WH [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I don't know if that qualifies me to provide an opinion here but, if you'll allow me one, your Plan A is doing the job. Meaning, it's working.<p>What YOU NOW need to do is work out for yourself why. What are you being now, that you weren't before? I guess that's the question you need to ask yourself.<p>What you also might like to do, is try filling in the EN Questionaire. It helped me a bundle to understand what my W needed, what she felt was important and where I was doing an excellent job, a good job and basically where I was crap. If your H is willing, give it a shot. <p>Whatever you do - don't stop the plan Aing 'your bum off' [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

trying: Very good points, indeed and thank you! In the past few weeks, we've had sex a few times and I definitely got what I wanted out of it, so I felt great. Also know that I can't beat good ol' fashioned intimacy and "reminders" of who I am, especially in bed! I call it "planting seeds". I haven't/won't expect anything afterward. Although after the crash last week, when we had sex, his attitude towards me change dramatically. He actually thanked me for cuddling him and said he enjoyed it and it felt right. Just hoping he can hold onto that while OW is in his other ear feeding him whatever it is she feeds him. <p>Bramblerose & worthatry: Thanks for the support. My "up" mood has been more consistent these past few days. I'm definitely nowhere near the hell I was in a few weeks ago. In other words, this "up" feeling has, in the past, only lasted a day at the most. Been feeling pretty good lately. About myself and the way I've been handling things. <p>Freddy: Again, thanks for the support. I have asked myself what it is I'm doing that is different and I'm pretty sure that list is a mile long. Good news is, it feels right for me to do these things. As far as the EN Questionaire is concerned, I already have them printed out. Just waiting for the right time. H has yet to actually say, "let's work on this", although he has agreed to MC (when he's comfortable) and is still sitting on that fence. I feel as though presenting him with a Questionaire would be pressure for him at this point, so I'm holding onto it for a while. <p>Thanks everyone. Any other WH (or anyone else) out there wanna throw in their 2 cents?<p>venusenvy

V,<p>I am not sure if I can help since I am the WW, but I will try.<p>I think your Plan A is really starting to take effect on him. As the saying goes "we don't miss what we have, until it's gone (or almost gone)."
I am so happy to see that your H told the OW that he wants to be on his own. This is a MAJOR step for a WS! Remember a WS is practically addicted to the OP while the A is going on. During the A, a WS is in so deep and can not see clearly. So for him to be initiating contact and evenings with you, is definitely a step in the right direction. Take it slow...keep Plan Aing. It sounds like he is coming out of the fog. Keep the conversations light and keep showing him what he is missing out on.<p>Perhaps, the car accident knocked some sense into him (just kidding) or maybe he and the OW had a argument. I don't know...just speculating and wishing for you! For me, I came out of the fog very quickly. I realized that the OM was being self-centered and manipulating, but I was blind to it all along (because I decided to be)...then I woke up and decided things had to change. Now I am trying to get my H to agree to believe in us and our M. Long story...but, this is not about me.<p>I just wanted to respond to your thread because I feel your H can make big progress if you stay strong and guide him back to you slowly. Good luck...you can do this!!!!!

I just want to add..<p>NO expectatioins!!! Go on this date and be his friend. But no expectations of him staying or lovemaking or anything. You have to build on the friendship and be an easy to be with person . Picture OW LBing her heart out and smile. <p>YOu are not done with the dips in the rollercoaster yet tho, so try and be patient withthe process.
Lora