Several weeks ago I remember mentioning I was just SO angry. I blew up, packed his bags with most of the remainder of his clothes into three suitcases and took our wedding picture down from our bedroom wall. If you recall, H blew up about me packing his bags "I'll remember you did this, etc. etc." Well, the bags are still sitting in the spare bedroom. The picture is back up. <p>My counsellor said that whatever I do with the bags is my decision. I'm in the driver's seat. I can easily drop them off at his apt or I can unpack them. Both are decisions about where I want this to go. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure. So, I need your help.

Aren't you in plan B?<p>Whatever arrangements you make should not include contact with SO.<p>Hopefully Resilient will reply...she had some of her X's stuff for a while.<p>Anyway...if it is not stuff he needs right away...I'd just store it until he asks for it and/or makes arrangements to get it.

Hi Terrified,<p>I say leave them where they are. If they're not in the way, then why bother doing anything with them.<p>If H asks about why they're still there, tell him you didn't give it another thought, you've been busy taking care of kids, house, etc.<p>But Terrified, do you have a preference? What do you feel you want to do with them? <p>And you know what, I see you getting stronger each day in your posts, you're making your way through this. <p>Prayers,
Jo

Terrified,<p>It is hard either way to live w/ or w/o WS while A is in the picture.<p>I do not know if you are in plan A or plan B. If you are in plan A, your action, IMVHO, is a LB. You should make up ... put all the thing back. "I'll remember you did this, etc. etc." is exactly what he will always use and remember. Do not give H that luxury. You see, you take all the reason and what left is the A !!! and WS has to face it. Trust me, I "bug" my wife car (mine too, I pay the car loan) and listening to their confersation. Most of the time they talk about my LB ! how bad I treated her :mad and OM smooching her :mad . Once I cleaned up my act, WW start coming in and out of the fog ... the grass is not greener after all [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... She is sleeping home tonite rather than w/ OM for gymn nite! <p>I know it is hard being a doormat but you will have your day in plan B. Be patience and presevere ...<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thanks TA, R and RH,<p>TA, It is stuff he could use every day but he doesn't seem to care about any of it right now. <p>R, What do I want to do with the suitcases? My heart definitely says to unpack them but my head is saying, "Why? He wants out. He's out. He's made his decision. What's my decision? To hold on? Isn't unpacking holding on? I just don't know anymore."

When my H 'moved' out he took little...and I do mean little...<p>There have been many accounts where spouses didn't take winter clothes in the dead of winter...<p>Just put them in a closet...or in the garage...somewhere where you can't see them all the time...and just wait...he'll either ask about his stuff...or not...not your worry.

It is Terrified. The idea of "packing" or "unpacking" is symbolic of what YOU want to do. So, do we know what that is?<p>Do you want your marriage, or do you want a D?<p>I know, your H is driving all of this, and very hard too, I might add. But, based on what Harley tells us, and from all the stories I've seen on here in my 1+ years, most A do end by their own natural death. (Lor and BrambleRose's story comes to mind).<p>But you're not supposed to be gauging what you want based on the odds. You're supposed to think hard about what you want and then work on yourself to get there. And "IF" the marriage does not recover, then you are better off all the way around. <p>Believe me Terrified, what I'm asking of you was just as hard for me, to come to a true resolve. I see-saw'd back and forth depending on if my H was being loving or hurtful. It can be madening. It IS madening.<p>I say leave the bags as they are until you make your decision on what you want. Then proceed. You have more control over this situation then you know. Because it's a 50/50 deal, and you have full control of what you do. <p>Did I help at all? I could give you an answer and say "take the bags and _________ them", but because it has such a symbolic value, I think you should decide.<p>Jo

Thanks TA & R, I know I definitely want my Marriage. Right now, there is no question in my mind. <p>Does that mean I unpack or leave them as is? If I unpack, I'm worried that my H will think I've given in and gotten the best of me...

Then my vote is to unpack them. And if your H broaches the subject of "why" you unpacked them, you can tell him it's because you believe in him and leave it at that. No more to be said. He can get mad, stomp around saying you're not hearing him and what he wants, or that you're insane, etc., but you are telling him the truth. Altho you're truly saying you believe in the "old" him, not this alien he's become. <p>Given in to what, Terrifed? Or gotten the best of you how? If he gloats so what, he is an alien. He is more conflicted inside than you know, and by doing something loving, such as unpacking his stuff because you want your marriage, is not something he would have expected. Good.<p>Your H is not your enemy right now, Terrified. The state of your marriage before the A is your enemy. That's what you have to work on, your side of the marriage that helped create this symptom, the A.<p>I'll be here for a while, let me know what you think, Hon.<p>Jo

Jo, SO good to have you there. You're a blessing to so many. I know I never told my H enough that he was my blessing but I never thought he'd leave me. Now, I'm going to remember to tell people they're blessings when I think of it. <p>Based on what you told me, I'm unpacking...I just needed a sounder mind to tell me that it's okay. <p>Thanks and have a happy thanksiving.

Jo, SO good to have you there. You're a blessing to so many. I know I never told my H enough that he was my blessing but I never thought he'd leave me. Now, I'm going to remember to tell people they're blessings when I think of it. <p>Based on what you told me, I'm unpacking...I just needed a sounder mind to tell me that it's okay. <p>Thanks and have a happy thanksiving.