Hi --
I need some advice. I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago of my H's A. The A is not over and he can't decide if he wants to stay (we have 3 children - 8,5,2) or leave. I asked him the other night when he would give me a decision. He said that he didn't know. I told him the other night, that I will give him until New Years to make his decision. That seems like an eternity right now. I have read the "Plan A" stuff, but I don't understand if that applies to when he is still seeing her. Well, last night, I decided that I need to tell my parents. I have always been very close to my parents, and I didn't want to tell them at first until H had made a decision. If he is going to stay, I don't want them to have angry feelings towards him and think bad things of him. But, they know that something is wrong with me, and I am afraid of them being worried. So, I told my H that if he could not tell me that he was going to stay for sure by this weekend, that I was going to tell my parents. I said that he didn't have to make his final decision (as far as telling the kids, really leaving, etc.), but that I needed someone to care about me during this time. So, real early this morning, I woke up and he was not in bed. I found him sitting on the couch in the dark. I went and sat down beside him and asked what he was thinking about. He said that he now feels pressured into making a decision that he isn't ready to make -- he now only has 2 days to decide about something that will affect the rest of his life. I think that this is the first time that he has realized he is going to have to make a decision about whether or not to stay. So, am I asking to much by this decision? Should I back off and let it be in his time game?
Thanks for any input. I really have no where else to turn for advice.

sad - ultimatums so early in the process rarely seem to work. So, yes, my advice would be to hold off on the timeline until you've strung together some good Plan A efforts.<p>Remember, your first chore is to Plan A to remove all his excuses for straying that you contributed to. Have you done this? Only after demonstrating your improvements and you're running low on your love bank balance should an ultimatum be given.<p>Please consider other responses as others may disagree, but doing nothing while the affair is in progress rather than trying to force ANYTHING is usually the best course.<p>As for telling your parents, keep in mind that when the affair ends and reconciliation can begin, any knowledge that family members have has to be dealt with by your H. This is a tough call. You're still very early in the process and here too, inaction may be the best course.<p>Please see WAT's Quick Start Guidelines on the Just Found Out board.

Sadathome, <p>I agree with WAT...ultimatums will do nothing but push your S further away at this time, but that does not mean you have to suffer through this alone. I told my parents and brother immediately upon revelation. I was devestated and needed to speak to someone that cared about me. I truly don't know where I would be without my family. <p>I am very close to my Mother, she feels my pain and understands. I would tell your parents as you will need a lot of support in the coming months. Just don't do it as a tactic to make your Husband make a decision. Just do it and tell him that you had to have someone to help you through this. My W actually understood my doing this. Are things tense between my family and my W???? Absolutely... but I have also explained my contribution to this situation to my parents and that I want my marriage to work. <p>If your parents are emotional and are the type of people that would cause your H to feel very uncomfortable when they are around him you may want to consider keeping them away as this could also push your H further away from you. Ask your parents to not pass judgement on your H, just to be there for you. You'd be surprised how good it makes you feel to talk to someone that cares about you unconditionally during this mental catastrophe.<p>I wish you the best of luck.<p>WW4L<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

I want to respond to something you said about not being sure about "doing Plan A since he is still in the A" - this is the time to implement Plan A!
Plan A is about showing him how wonderful you are and what he will be giving up. It is also about going about the business of getting yourself to the point that you FEEL wonderful about yourself whether he stays or not.
Your H is obviously in a confused state right now - we call this a "fog". He doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't feel good about going or staying. He is acting like an immature, spoiled kid who wants it both ways. Telling him he can't have both is getting the same reaction as telling a 3 year old "NO" in the check-out line. But, I want it! Why can't I have what I want!?
You can't "de-fog" him on your timeframe. There is a tremendous amount of patience and faith required by Plan A. But, it can be done.<p>As far as telling your parents. Here is what I would say to your Husband:
"H, you have made some decisions that greatly affect our relationship and as I said, I am willing to try and work through this. I love you and I want our marriage to work. I know you are confused now about what you want. While you are working through that I need some help and support FOR ME. I need my parents to understand what is going on so they can be there for me, for us. I will tell them we are having some problems and that I need their prayers and support. I will wait to tell them the specifics of what is actually going on until you have had a few weeks to think. But, you have to understand that the truth that will finally be told - to them and to our friends and to whoever - is the truth that you are creating. You are writing this chapter of our lives, not me. So if you are looking to place blame on how the story is going, look internally. As I said, I love you and I want us back, but I also have to do what I can to protect myself and keep me sane in this sh*tstorm."<p>Keep reading, keep posting, keep praying. You will survive this.
Best,
Mary

<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: wantwife4life ]</p>

I think you are getting some great advice here. If you need to confide in family members and friends for support during this heart rending process, by all means do so!! I would tell your H that you are not giving him an ultimatum at this time, and that you know you still want to save the marriage. The emotional support you seek is very important for you to right now, just don't tie it in with pressuring your husband to make a decision.<p>You need to take care of yourself during this time.

Thanks for all of the advice! I did tell H that I don't want to pressure him to have to make a decision. So, I told them that I will tell them that we are having some problems, etc. without all of the details of there being OW, etc. He seemed OK with this. We'll see how it goes this weekend with his being home with us and away from her.