Hi all, I am having a problem with forgiving myself for my EA. I have no idea why I am still torturing myself after a year. Even my H says that I am having more trouble with forgiving me than he had. He keeps telling me to let go of it, but I can't. I am seriously beginning to think this is going to be more of a problem for us than the actual A. I need to find some way to get past this so that we can actually be in recovery. At the moment I am just existing from day to day. My H deserves more than this from me. I am unable to adequately fill his ENs in this condition, and I really don't know how long he will be able to put up with it.

Marissa,<p>can you say <p>"Marissa, I made a mistake will you forgive me?"and say..I forgive you..<p>So you found out your not perfect..none of us are, thats okay..<p>I learned to forgive myself when I really read about the adultress woman in the bible..when Christ stood there saying "ye who hath no sin cast the first stone" everyone walked away..because they knew they were sinners too..and Jesus said..
"neither do I condemn you" so if we aren't perfect..because we sin..then who are we to condemn ourselves?? we are just like all those people standing there over her..the only difference..is we hold the stones in our own hands throwing them at ourselves..so let the stones drop to the ground..and leave them there..

Marissa, <p>Good to see you posting again. <p>My WS is also having a very hard time dealing with and accepting that she had an "A". I have forgiven her (I think), but she is always very hard on herself...because probably like you it was totally out of character for her. She blames herself for all of it and thinks that she is always the "bad-guy" and in the wrong. I constantly re-assure her that she isn't. <p>I say let the sin-less people of the world stone YOU...wouldn't hurt a bit, because there are none ! My WS seemed too and maybe still does want me to punish her for her actions...i told her that we had punished each other for years with our behavior and that i would never punish her for the "A". <p>The "A" is in the past...you can run from it OR learn from it, learn what caused it, learn how to better yourself and your marriage because of it. Don't compound one mistake by creating another one because of it. If you have guilt as I am sure you do...love your husband more, open up more to him, re-focus on your marriage, pour more into your "M" and i think you will feel better about "M" and yourself ! <p>Life's too short Marissa...Forget it and Drive on !<p>Have a great weekend and good luck !!
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Thanks ThornedRose & Sad Daddy... I know I should be able to let go of this. My H even said to me that he thinks I expect to get comfortable and then have him blast me. He has told me this is not going to happen, that we both made mistakes and that we can work through this. But somehow, I just can't get it out of my system...

Marissa,<p>I've heard the same thing from many of the WS here and elsewhere. I myself am having a hard time forgiving myself for my EA four years ago, though I tried to bury it for 4 years, and am just now trying to come to grips with it.<p>Many WS become depressed, and even contemplate suicide when trying to deal with their transgressions....PLEASE DON'T CONSIDER THAT!!!! Get meds if you begin to feel particularly down, try to believe your H when he reassures you. Give some of it over to God, if he can forgive you, why should YOU be any different? Try to love Marissa.<p>Good luck, and God bless.
Kev

marissa, how do you know what you feel is an inability to forgive yourself? For the most part I think that is rarely true about people. We all do what we want, and there is no sound psychological reasons why we would feel much guilt for that. We might regret our actions for many reasons, and we might be distressed at the consequences (for ourselves and others) of questionable choices we have made, but neither of these are about forgiving ourselves. You have done nothing to forgive yourself for, seeking love and ittimacy is what humans do, it is who we are.......yes we have constructed elaborate rules, of many different kinds over the ages, re how one can seek such things within the culture you live in, and yes you broke those rules, and suffer the consequences thereof, but I see no reason for forgiving yourself, unless you are a predator, and the basis of your action with the om was to use him.....is that so? Otherwise you are human, and made choices you now regret, but you also know more about yourself, and your marriage, and there is never anything wrong with love.....if it is love.<p>But having read most of your posts, and being in somewhat similar circumstances, I don't think you have dug deep enough, or been honest enough with yourself marissa, I don't think your emotional distress has anything to do with forgiving yourself. I think it has to do with trying your hardest to be the marissa everyone else thinks you should be.