I have a general question that is a major concern for me. Did the fear/embarrassment of facing your spouse's family and friends ever give you a reason not to reconcile?<p> I am truly afraid that my H will not attempt to make things work for us- not because he does not want to, but because he is afraid of facing everybody else. I am very fortunate in that I have a very close group of friends and a extremely close family. They are all very protective of me. I am so scared that my H feels he has messed up so horribly that he cannot face them again. He is very embarrassed. He was also loved by everyone before this began. <p> Unfortunately, he puts alot of value in what others think (although he would dispute this).<p>Let me know if any of you have similar situations. How were you able to overcome your fear/embarrassment?

Yes -- I'm also one who cares a great deal about what others think.
And the fact that my A has been disclosed to many causes me to withdraw from that circle of friends and family.
So to answer your question -- its far easier to start over somewhere else than to fix the mess I have. Chicken but honest.

Thanks for the honesty Lexxxy,<p>Can you give me any insight as to what I can do to make him understand that my family/friends will support any decision I make. Yes, they will be distrusting at first (as I will) but with time, he can earn that trust back. I want him to know that this is an option. <p>Thanks for your help.<p>AS

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's what you and your H want that matters.<p>I am the BS, and I know how much embarrassment "I" felt when H and I started recovery. I had told so... many people of his A's (mostly family). I've become a firm believer in BS's NOT sharing with too many people after d-day... b/c it makes it that much more difficult to deal with should recovery occur.<p>I have been extremely fortunate, in that almost everyone has eventually welcomed my H back. My father is the only person who refuses to talk to him. He won't even step foot in our house (even if H isn't here). But he'll still welcome me and the kids into his house, and we still visit regularly (we live next door to each other). That is my dad's choice, and he's already sufferred some of the consequences of that decision, b/c my H doesn't want anything to do with him either. I've learned to live with it. I just don't talk too much about my dad to my H or my H to my dad. I've removed myself from 'their' situation as best I can. That is my reality. And as much as it hurts sometimes, I 'side' with my H overall. After all, we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives together. If my dad can't handle that reality, then that's HIS problem, HIS decision, and HIS loss.<p>It took quite a few months for my H to be willing to be face to face with any of MY friends and family. Friends were easier... family... well, that's only just started... and we're 6 months into recovery!<p>I hope some of this helps. It is only a little of what I've been through. If you want to hear some good ol' venting, I should start in about my extended family! ewwwwwwwwwwweeee!! Now THAT's a mess!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

advise seeker,<p>I am the MIL of a WS, my DIL. Because of MB I realize how critical it is for me and the rest of the family to avoid LBs with DIL so that we do not interfere with S's and DIL's relationship and attempt at recovery.<p>Do your parents, siblings, friends understand Plan A tactics? Basically we are in Plan A with DIL. In fact, we have not said one word, literally, about what she has done. We know we can't change her. She has to do it herself. But we sure can make matters worse. We have helped her babysit, helped DIL and S be together, etc., anything we can to smooth the way. She knows that we know, but we don't talk about it.<p>My point is to ask whether or not you can explain MB concepts to your family? Would they be willing to initiate simple, nonthreatening contact with your H to break the ice and let him know they won't jump all over him? After I recovered from the initial shock, despair, anger stage post d-day, I made up reasons every few weeks to contact DIL about things totally unrelated to the relationship. We are polite to each other, and it is a way to keep the communication door open. <p>I hate what she did, but I don't hate her. Maybe your parents can make an overture to your H to help him overcome his embarassment. DIL is ashamed enough. We don't need to point out her shortcomings to her.<p>Estes<p>PS: I made copies of the MB concepts on this web site and put them in a little notebook so that I could refer to them quickly. I've also read SAA and HNHN. I would suggest that you ask your family to read them also. Make a MB notebook for them.<p>[ November 21, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Are you going to spend the holidays w/ your family? or are you going to spend it w/ your H?<p>If you are going to be w/ your family maybe one of them could call and invite him over? If they know you are trying to work on your marriage and they support you..they could extend their hand to him to where maybe it might be easier for him..if he knows they don't hate him..sure they are disappointed and all..understandable..but they could extend the first olive branch..and show they
are supportive of you..

I feel we are 'lucky.' Both families are supportive of both of us...while they don't condone what my H has done...they have not condemned him...I know it has been hard on him however...<p>I, now, would not 'tell' as much as I have...had I to do it all over again...<p>In my defense, however, H did tell his own parents about his A before he told me.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and thank you for your replies.<p>I guess I left out a huge part of my story- I am in Plan B. So, we have absolutely no contact. I have thought about having my sister or someone close to me (who was also close to him) contact him just to see how he is doing? Maybe that way he would see that my family/friends would accept him back. What do you all think? I do not want him to think I put her upto calling him- wouldn't that be contrary to Plan B?<p>It will be hard for my family to accept him again, as my father cheated on my mother- my family has been personally touched by infidelity before my H did this to me. I do know that they may never really trust him again, but they would accept him for my sake. I also defend him all of the time. I don't think he is a bad person- just confused. This is his first A, and I believe in second chances. He knows he messed up.<p>I have told all of my family- I really did not have a choice. My sister was on the other line when I called OW and "tricked" her into confessing PA. <p>I still question why I am going through this- it is awful. I have been in Plan B for almost three weeks [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I miss him so- today is very difficult. I hope he is suffering as well- we have been together for the last six Thanksgivings. (His mother used to come to my parent's house for Thanksgiving- isn't that sick!)

{{{{{{{{{AS}}}}}}}}}<p>I am thinking about you and sending you a mental list of all the things we can be thankful for. Btw, did you read my last reply on your "meds" thread?<p>Take care of you!<p>OneDay<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

I usually try and put myself in their position and think as to how I would feel. Embarassed to face family and friends? You bet I would.<p>Ultimatley in the end it has nothing to do with everyone else. Your relationship is about the two of you and weather BOTH of you are willing to put it back together.<p>I am in the same sort of position and I know that it must way heavy on my WW mind. Especially as she had a better relationship with my mother than with hers. She had even made a comment to me (while the A was on - I knew but had not confronted her yet) about what my mother felt about her actions. Was part of her guilt at that time. So it does way heavy with them and can be a stumbling block. I have tried to explain to my family why the A takes place and ask for their understanding in wanting to work on the M. You can also give your S all the support you possibly can in helping them overcome their fears of facing family and friends. Stay very close to them during initial contacts. Encourage them that this is about the two of you and nobody else.

OneDay- my e-mail address is:<p>adviceseeker23@hotmail.com<p>I would love to hear from you! I did miss your last reply on the med's post. Oops. Gotta run- I am exhausted!<p>AS