25yr ago i met and married my wife she had 2 children and had never been married...i had never been around children in my whole life and to assume the responsibilty of a new wife that came as a package deal turned out to be more than i expected, <p>RE: i tried but having no experience at childrearing i failed miserably...<p>Just taking on stepchildren is a brave act. I know, I have three of them and it’s not easy. It is a lot different and a lot harder then raising your own. There are so many more dynamics to handle. There is a lady I listen to some times, Laura Slazenger (spelling?). She holds people to a very high standard, yet when they do something wrong and are repentant, her advice to them is to spend about 15 seconds beating them selves up and then move on. You did the best you could for you at the time… <p>
RE: I got mad and left everybody 1200 miles from home with no money no transportation no anything...this wasn’t the first time I blew up.<p>Ok, that was pretty bad. I’d find that pretty hard to forgive too. It’s hard for me to tell from what you’ve said so far if you have a real anger management problem or if the situation with your step kids was just out of hand and you were justified in being distraught. Believe me, my step kids have pulled some things on me that had me going. And I’ve reacted to them in a way I wish I had not at times. <p>Did you have that kind of support from your wife in dealing with your stepchildren?<p>As for your actions causing your wife great grief. As you know, this is something you will have to overcome. Perhaps you can get counseling for anger management.<p>It sounds like you have some Plan A’ing to do. From what you have written, you have some pretty big things to apologize to your wife for. That might be your first step in Plan A. <p>Apologize for not being the father you wish you could have been; for the affair years ago; for all of your angry outbursts. Then you are going to have to get really busy becoming the best man you can be and showing her how much you love her. It will take time. She will not trust your changes for a long time. And yes, you and she will have to find some sort of way to handle her affair.<p>As for her being able to forgive you for the things you did over the years, the affair, the angry outbursts. It is very hard to forgive things when a person makes no significant changes. If she knows that there will always be angry outbursts, then she cannot forgive them because you have not earned the forgiveness. What I mean by that is that to be forgiven, you have to give her something in exchange for it. What I mean by that is that you could give her the gift of knowing that there will never again be another angry outburst. And if you promised her that right now, you would have to do the work learn anger management and proper ways of responding to things. And only over time, when your relationship becomes more peaceful, will she learn that you mean it. Then she will be able to start forgiving you.<p>I suggest that you read the books “Surviving an Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs”, and “Love Busters”. They will give you the road map for recovering your marriage.<p>I’ll check in on you later today.<p>Z
