Happy Thanksgiving ! 'm wrestling with an issue, if anyone is on the boards I could use advice..
My WS ( we separated on 06/29/01) has been heavily involved w OM . Oficially, I'm in Plan? Sent a B letter in Sept.; wasn't comfortable in B; I caved.<p>Did an ok plan A before, have done a great plan A since.<p>On Monday, Steve said go back to B..<p>OK, but WS had earlier invited me to her mother's house for Thanksgiving. Her mother called later and also invited me.<p>I said ok, MIL asked me to cook a few dishes, I said ok.<p>While talking to my sister last night,she argued to not go to MIL, to take my power back, to go to her house w her and other sister instead. That my WS has acted horribly, I'm responding to an illusion, not the fact that WS has left marriage. Powerful stuff. OD wants to go to my sisters, watch them tape the news at her work ( sister is on air at a small tv station) and eat w her cousins. This all came up last night.<p>But I've committed to MIL and WS. I was thinking of dropping off my dishes before WS arrives, explaining why I cannot stay to MIL, and return later to pick up kids.<p>Not staying could say that WS is right to be w OM,I could lose IL supoort, I've given my word, etc.<p>WS has been taking kids to OM's to play w his, sleeps over there often, denies an affair, OM says he really loves her and deeply cares for her..We all work for same company, this has been very public at work.<p> She says she sees great changes in past 6 mos.,I'm great guy, fantastic dad, etc, she just doesn't have the "feelings, doesn't think we can work through issues.<p>Think I'll post on GQ2 as well.<p>I'm leaning towards sisters, but I'm reluctant to give WS any real ammo to "prove" how terrible I am.<p>Terrible situation.<p>Any thoughts?

Hi Family man, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm not sure that I can offer any advice just wanted to let you know that I read your post and someone was here. What do you really want to do today? Why do you think W invited you to your MIL in the first place? Was it b/c she really wanted to spend the holiday with you and the kids or is it b/c that's what she's suppose to do and then mosey off and meet OM. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound harsh.
Your kids want to go to your sisters right? Why not drop by MIL's with your dishes let kids say Happy Thanksgiving and just tell her that you've decided to spend the holiday with your family this year and that you are sorry for the last minute change of plans. I went back and forth from Plan A to Plan B you need to be consistent. I hope that I was able to help you in some small way. I hope you enjoy your day.
All the Best,
C

cybil - thanks for your support. I went back and followed your recent posts; how are things w you?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What do you really want to do today? Why do you think W invited you to your MIL in the first place? Was it b/c she really wanted to spend the holiday with you and the kids or is it b/c that's what she's suppose to do and then mosey off and meet OM. <hr></blockquote><p> I think because it's what she's supposed to do. Im sure OM is in the plan somewhere today. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> Thanks for the suggestion; I think that's what I'll do.<p> God grant us strength and wisdom and love in our turmoil.

Family Man,
Thanks for asking how things are going with me. Actually things are going very well. My H seems to be returning to his old self and I'm really looking forward to spending the day at home with my family. It's wierd but all the little things I use to take for granted like spending the day at home with my H doing nothing means so much more now. Just knowing that he's here at home with me and the kids doing nothing makes me smile. We are going to start MC as soon as my counselor can squeeze us in. I am taking one day at a time. That's all I can do for now. Overall I think that we will make it. Communication was a big problem in the past now we are working at that.
Have a great day FM,
C

Hi FM,<p>This is why Steve says you should be in plan B. See how this is affecting you and your children?<p>How much does your MIL know about the separation? If they do, then a brief call to say something like you would be happy to drop off the dish but since W will be there, you find it emotionally difficult to be around here even at this 'special time' and so would MIL and family please excuse your family from this evening's gathering. Let them know that you will not be alone and that your family will be with others. Also let MIL know that this is not to hurt them and that maybe you and your family could visit MIL either before W arrives or tomorrow. Let MIL know that you care for them and even love your W but right now it is very painful for your family. <p>What are you doing by this? Setting the stage. What your MIL does with the above info is their decision. You can ask that they respect your wishes and if they choose to speak with W that it not come out that you put them up to it. In other words, they need to speak with W (if they choose to) because of how they feel about her actions. Again reinforce that you want your family back in tact and right now are having to protect your family's love by keeping some distance from your W. <p>Most will get that message. If not, then your going to your sister's for dinner maybe better anyway. Either way, this will avoid the uncomfortable confrontation. <p>Since your W is willing to take the kids around the OM, then you don't know the extent she is willing to go through on an A that is 'not happening'. More fog stuff here FM, don't get sucked into this mirage fog. <p>I am home today and will be available if you need. My H is traveling out of town and will be back this evening. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid -<p> Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for your suggestions!<p>I hadn't thought about plan B in the terms you described; that makes a lot of sense...<p>I actually opened your post as I called MIL....<p>Your observations are on the money. I also feel good defining "loving" borders for me..<p> My wife does seem to be in deep; if this is what she needs to do ok.<p> But she doesn't seem to be "thinking" anything through, at least not w her head.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
God bless you, I hope you feel loved and have much to give thanks for today and every day...<p> Dan

Hi Dan,<p>I am glad to have helped. Have an enjoyable and thankful day with your family. This is how it should be everyday. <p>Take Care,
L. <p>PS: That LB stuff? Don't get hung up too much on that. Some WS's feel that BS' only LB even when we don't!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] So don't sweat the small stuff!

Hi Dan,<p>Sorry to barge in again. I just sent these links on another thread and thought it might be helpful. <p>Plan A 101 - 2nd edition writeup:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html <p>
Plan B 101 - 2nd edition writeup:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html <p>
Hope it helps clarify stuff. <p>L.

FM,<p>Read my response to your post on the other board. (I followed you)<p>Isn't this forum great? Most agree it is a NO-NO!<p>You are not alone.<p>Now how about some advice for me........<p>I've been seperated 2 weeks now, and my wife has invited me out for a drink on Friday night. (neither of us is seeing anybody).
I've said yes, but now have 2nd thoughts. <p>Brief history...
She had an A, lasted 3 months (EA/PA). She moved out one week. She comes back, but can't commit. after 6 months, I give up, and tell her it's OVER. I go on date, have a 2 week affair with new GF, but when GF is overseas, I cheat with W. I am now involved with both, (BAAAAAD!), and eventually wife has now assumed morally superior position, and threatens all kinds of stuff, including suing ( no Plan A here). I decide it better to break off, ( while GF is overseas), and afterwards W cools off. I accuse her of merely trying to ruin my life, or get even. I say I cannot commit, I need to start fresh, and she needs to stop acting like I'm the big bad boy. (constant head-bashing, and insults, verbal abuse, major LB stuff). I say I'm moving out, she says DON'T COME BACK. I hassle for 2 or 3 weeks, then eventually move. .........<p>Back to now...
So now I don't know how I feel about her. She's strange, I visited the other day, she shrugs my hands off her shoulders when I massage, but squeezes my butt as I leave(?????). Please, what's going on here?<p>Any commants?
I need answers SOON, the date is Friday night.<p>Muzohead<p>Muzohead<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: muzohead ]</p>