Notable Story
Authored by Freedom - Wayward Spouse<p>**************************************************
I was surprised that several of you were interested in my entire story so I thought I'd post it for all to see. This is also good therapy for me. It may be an eye opener for all of you betrayers who wondered, "What if?"<p>I had been married 19 years when the affair started. I never smoked, drank or did drugs and was brought up in a good Christian home. We had two teenage sons who I adored. I met the ow at the office. In fact I hired her and she reported directly to me. She too was a good Christian, really into the Bible more so than I. We both were married when the affair began. She had one son and had been married 24 years. We became emotionally attached almost immediately. We spent time together just talking about common things. She made it clear that she was in an unhappy marriage, but was resigned to living it out.<p>In April '93 our whole Division (100 people) went to a conference in Phoenix. She and I spent a lot of time together especially at night during the relaxation time. When I left Phoenix I felt this exciting feeling in my stomach. Like butterflies everytime I thought of her and wondered, "What the hell is this feeling". I haven't felt this way since I was dating my wife 20 years ago, but I love it. That was on a Thursday.<p>I thought about her for the next few days and couldn't get her out of my mind. Couldn't wait for to see her on Monday. I did and we spent time talking again. On Tuesday afternoon I called her into my office and closed the door. I told her I had something I wanted to say, but didn't know how to approach it. Frankly, I was concerned about a sexual harassment suit. Finally I told her that in the 6 months that she had been working for me I had fallen in love with her. I expected her to say something like "well one of us needs to transfer". To my surprise she said she had been attracted to me also and as far as my love goes to, "Let it grow". Then she walked out of my office. I was as high as a kite.<p>After that we would meet after work for iced tea at the Ritz and spend at least 1 or 2 hours together. We would talk about anything and everything. We spoke about how great it would be if we had met each other 20 years ago and had gotten married. One afternoon, during the summer of '93 we went out to lunch. We were out in the country sitting in my 300ZX with the T-Top down eating a sandwich, and I leaned over and kissed her. It was like the fourth of July. I hadn't felt such passion since I was in high school. After that we did a lot of kissing whenever we could. Well one thing led to another and I took her on a business trip with me sometime in October '93. I don't remember how it happened, but I found myself in her room that night and we made love. Now I knew I was really in love. Fireworks went off and I knew that I had to marry this person. We planned to divorce our spouses and remarry, but there were never any real details to that plan.<p>Meanwhile my wife was going crazy. Just as crazy as some of you who post in this forum, but there was nothing that she could do or say that made me see straight. We tried counseling and talking to our pastor, but as long as I was seeing the other women it was a waste of time and money. I was in love with the ow and although I loved my wife, I was not in love with her (sound familiar). She became distraught and went on anti-depressants and tranquilizers, but did I care, no. I continued to feed my lust. My children lost respect for me and caught me in several lies, but again I didn't care because I was in fantasyland, loved it and didn't want to come back to reality.<p>At the beginning of the third year the ow and I moved into an apartment together. She soon divorced her husband and I was expected to do the same. Things couldn't have been better. We lived, ate, drank, worked and slept together. The lovemaking we did was far more intense than anything I ever felt with my wife, and we did it almost every night for the 3 years we lived together. We went on weeklong vacations and mini vacations together all the time. Life was fantastic, but several things were bothering me. I often would think of the women and children I left behind. Left behind so that I could enjoy the sex and good times. It started to get to me. On vacations I'd sneak away from the ow to call "home" just to find out how everyone was. Soon I found that I was now betraying the ow because of the pent up guilt and longing for my family. The family that I started and raised. At the same time I began to see the flaws in the ow. She was/is a beautiful women. But I realized that beauty is only skin deep. I didn't realize it then, but she was never honest with me. I know now that she is a conflict avoider, and never really told me what was on her mind. Things began to bother her about me, but she was silent. She wanted me to make a marriage commitment, and although I once talked about marriage I never brought it up because of the guilt I felt for my wife and family.<p>In any event, we had this fantastic relationship, but it was starting to crack after living together for 2 years. Because she never revealed her needs to me I never met them, and she became extremely frustrated, but kept it all to herself. One day, for the silliest reason she left me a note saying, "Get Out of My Life". By then I was also frustrated and left as quickly as I could. Within a week the withdrawal process had affected both of us and she called me to come back, but I knew that this was the brake I was waiting for so I never returned. I never returned because by then I realized that a marriage could never work. It would have been a marriage based on lies and dishonesty. It's foundation was divorce and mistrust. It never could have succeeded. I know that now, even though I still love the ow. But I also know that if we had been married it would only have been a matter of time before we got divorced. You will both eventually see the flaws in the op. And when you do the relationship will unravel very quickly because affairs are based on passion not commitment. People in affairs have too much baggage to carry around to make a new marriage work. But the problem is that you are really in love. You are in love with the op. I don't care if you call it a fantasy or not. You are in love and when you separate you will feel real pain - not fantasy pain. <p>Our relationship ended in June '99, and I began reconciliation with my wife. That's about the time I started posting here because the withdrawal was horrible and I needed to relieve it.<p>I found/find it gratifying to help people who is on the same road to destruction that I was on. I'm not Mr. Know-it-all, nor am I a professional counselor, but I've gone through the whole process. And I'm right back where I started from 6 years ago. Only it feels like I've been through a war. I have very little self-esteem and I carry a ton of guilt, pain, sorrow and hurt for everyone that was affected. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. And now I'm paying the price. As far as the ow goes. I still love her, but we have agreed never to contact each other again. I don't know how she feels about me, but I recently found out that she came close to having a nervous brake down. She has no job and is on anti-depressants and tranquilizers. More guilt for me to carry around.<p>So that's my story. All I can say is I'm sorry, and I know it's far from enough, but I've learned one of life's toughest lessons.<p>That is: DON'T LET YOUR FEELINGS DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR. LET YOUR FAITH IN GOD DRIVE YOUR BEHAVIOR AND YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.<p>Now you all know why I chose the name "Freedom"<p>**************************************************<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Resilient:<p>Do you really believe that Freedom was "in love" or "in lust"??<p>My H (ws)was in a 2+ year A. He claims it was a release...escape..etc never love. Freedoms story bums me out about the "love".<p>How do you see it.

Resiliant,<p>Is Freedom your WS?<p>What a mess! I'm glad he realized what he did. Maybe my W will realize too sometime.<p>Thanks for posting this.<p>-AD

Resilient,<p>You know how to make us "more resilient" in out quest to save our M ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Thanks for posting this, I need it.

Thanks you guys!<p>No, "Freedom" isn't my WS. My H and I aren't as lucky as Freedom and his W. We have a very severe story. So now we are divorced and never will speak again.<p>Louser,<p>Love or Lust? I believe that Freedom had unmet needs. I believe he felt "in-love" with OW because she filled those needs. Then I think once the EA became PA he was in lust with the OW as well. <p>What I feel about Freedom's story is because he had character and a deep sense of what was right and wrong he never forgot about his family (guilt). I believe there is good guilt and bad guilt. Freedom had good guilt. And I also believe Freedom never stopped loving his wife, a mature lasting love, obviously.<p>I rememeber all these Old Time Posters from when I first came here. I read and read and read, posted just as much too. The people here were so wise, so compassionate and so giving. I owe them alot. <p>Lv,
Jo

Wow. thanks!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Very interesting story!<p>I am stunned though that after 3YEARS of living with the OW, his wife actually forgave him and took him back into her life. I really dont understand how she was able to do this. If that was me, well, there is NO WAY i would ever consider taking him back. <p>He is one very lucky man!<p>TOS

Wow--this was a good story and it keeps one wanting to wait for the WS but how can we stay sane and feel cared about when we wait years for the WS to "try" to love us again? UGH <p>I truly hate the "in love" part. That gives me no hope cause I cannot fight that for the rest of my life. I have felt for over 30 years of marriage rejection and disregard for my feelings. Boy, does the love of someone else have the ability to make me feel more rejected that ever.<p>TW

Hi ToS and Tossed Wave,<p>Yes, I agree 3 years is a very long time, but I tend to believe that Freedom's W didn't necessarily wait for him, altho I'm sure she never stopped loving him. How could she, the soul of the man was GOOD and she bore his children.<p>TW,<p>It is very hard to accept that your spouse of so many years that willingly made vows to be yours forever could be "in-love" with another. But what I tell myself about that is the WS in more "in-love" with the *idea* that their needs were being met after a long dry spell of none being met. Shoot, if you think of it in those terms, it seems a number of OPs could have been the OP. To me that says that the OP isn't that special and the two (OP & WS) weren't necessarily made for each other. Hence the ending of the A.<p>Does that make sense?<p>Jo<p>[ November 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I feel I must report the "true" end of Freedoms story. He really did try with his wife, but ended up divorcing. He ended up lonely, quitting his job and traveling around the world (in his words...to try and take his mind off of the OW)....<p>I communicated with him by email for a while before gradually losing contact with him over the months...<p>I think of him and wonder how his life is now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Susan:
<strong>I feel I must report the "true" end of Freedoms story. He really did try with his wife, but ended up divorcing. He ended up lonely, quitting his job and traveling around the world (in his words...to try and take his mind off of the OW)....<p>I communicated with him by email for a while before gradually losing contact with him over the months...<p>I think of him and wonder how his life is now.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Thanks, I was wondering what the rest of the story was.

Thanks, Susan.<p>How very sad. A's can certainly devistate all involved. Do you happen to know what happened to his W and the OW?<p>I wish Feedom would show up and tell us how he looks at things now.<p>Jo

I am sorry that things did not work out for Freedom and his W, 3 years would be a long time.<p>Very interesting read though, I see alot of what my H is going through in the words that Freedom writes.<p>As Jo says there is good guilt and then bad guilt, I am hoping somewhere along the way that the good guilt will interfer with my H and the OW, at this time it is still an EA, as I think he knows that what he is doing is wrong and wont let it go to a PA. That is just hope!!!<p>Thanks Jo you do such a good job digging things up from before that relates to something that is going on with this bunch of forum friends. Thanks for your efforts. <p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I read this thread, all the while wondering how Freedom and his W were doing. As I read the end of the first post, my first reaction was, "I don't think they made it - three years is just too long."<p>People go their separate ways, emotionally and mentally. I know that from past experience. I had a fiance who I loved very much attempt to make amends ... but it was not the same. He too left me because of an OW. And there was something about the continuum of "us" that was irrevocably broken.<p>So I was not surprised at Susan's post at all. I am, however, surprised that Freedom is still hung up on the OW. It doesn't sound as though it is love, but more unsettled issues and lack of proper closure. Perhaps it would have been better had they married and then found out that it wouldn't work ... as it was, they didn't get to the point where things were truly *bad* - as in, unbearably bad. The OW did not disappoint him *enough.*<p>What a sad waste of time - and life - for all involved.<p>belld

I remember Freedom well,
Here is the link to the thread Jo posted, further down Freedom talks about his relationship with his wife.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=006158<p>if you do a search with the word Freedom in the subject line you will find more of his posts. Freedom's member number is 2253.<p>He is a great guy, he realized his mistakes and took responsability for his actions. I miss him very much sometimes. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes, he was a great guy....and very helpful to me in my time of marriage recovery. I had a long affair, but I am here to say that IT CAN be done. 3 years is a long time...but my 25 year marriage is better than ever.<p>If you do a search, I do believe that Freedom does tell the end of his story...of his divorce...etc.<p>In talking with him it seemed that he was very sad, he was haunted by the OW, but she would have nothing to do with him. Also, his marriage to his wife ended...so, basically he ended up with no one.<p>He told me that he spent his time traveling over the world trying to forget.....<p>I had email contact for some time, but he got a new computer and new screen name and I am afraid I lost contact.

Bump ^^^

I also feel saddened by his love for the OW. That is my greatest fear, that my H still loves his OW but lies about it to me because they can't be together. You know, the whole star crossed lovers thing. I told him I won't be his consolation prize, but sometimes I still feel that way. If had broken it off instead of her, I guess I'd feel better. She also told him they could be together "in another time, another place." That definitely leaves an open door.<p>Basically things are going pretty well, but reading things like this make me sad, and they scare me!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maggierose:
I also feel saddened by his love for the OW. That is my greatest fear, that my H still loves his OW but lies about it to me because they can't be together. You know, the whole star crossed lovers thing. I told him I won't be his consolation prize, but sometimes I still feel that way. If had broken it off instead of her, I guess I'd feel better. She also told him they could be together "in another time, another place." That definitely leaves an open door.<p>Basically things are going pretty well, but reading things like this make me sad, and they scare me!<hr></blockquote><p>Maggie,<p>Freedom knew, and states he knew, that the OW was manipulative. That she had an agenda and regardless of his fantasy feelings for her something wasn't right with their relationship, beyond him feeling guilty about leaving his family and wife. <p>What's important is your H chose you, and you him.<p>I do understand your sadness. I posted this more for encouragement demonstrating A's rarely last and reason's why.<p>Lv,
Jo

and this is why (despite whatever other myriad issues re marriage one may quibble about) you cannot serve two masters.....and must end an affair, return to the marriage, and resolve it one way or another. He may or may not have had a good marriage with ow, but be that as it may he is revealed (despite whatever other qualities he may have) as a user of people for his own good...he chased the ow, won her heart, used her up, dumped her...and ran back to his w to have further needs met....she, of good commonsense it seems, understood such a man can never be trusted emotionally (even if she loved the person). I wish he had been around too, I would have liked talking to him, but I suspect we would not have got along at all....frankly the story sounds like a narcissist, just a more clever than usual one...and I doubt the ow was nearly as needy as he portrays, otherwise she would have taken him back (for the wrong reason, but all the same). The way I read it, he did leave his wife, lived with the ow as H, cheated on her with first wife, and got what he deserved....left by them both.