I have a question concerning WS behavior I hope someone can help me with. Brief history- found out about W&#8217;s A two months ago, all contact with OM is done, relationship between Ws and me is improving but only as friends, have been Plan A-ing almost the whole time, moved out about one month ago, moved back in (sleeping on couch) about 1-1/2 weeks ago because of financial problems.<p>My dilemma is this. During the last week we have had to deal with a close friend who died of cancer. WS and I have talked a lot during this time and W would seem to get real close to me and it has even gotten to the point of becoming intimate on a few occasions, but, when things started to &#8216;heat up&#8217;, W pushed me away and said she didn&#8217;t think it was a good idea to continue. Now, W is telling me that she no longer wants to commit to saving the M, but wants to see if she can become independent, get a job and take care of the kids by herself. She says that this is important to her and is the only way she can decide if she can &#8216;choose me&#8217; again as her husband. W has told me that she feels she got married to young, never had a chance to prove herself in the real world and thinks that she was pressured into getting married and staying married by her family. I get the feeling that this could take a long time for her to do.<p>My thoughts are that a marriage is an agreement by two people to support each other. I have no problem with her getting a job or becoming independent. I will support her on this, but she does not want me to be a part of it, she wants me completely out of her life, but wants to remain friends. Financially I cannot move out of the house again, but if W&#8217;s thinking does not change soon, I may not have much of a choice. I need to protect my emotional and mental stability and living with someone who doesn&#8217;t want to commit to you is hard to stay with day-to-day.<p>I have told W that I would move out soon and release her of any responsibilities to me but got no response. But, I wonder if staying and continue the Plan A-ing would be a better choice. Has anyone else been in a similar situation with a WS? Any suggestions on what I should do would be greatly appreciated.

loveherstill,<p>My situation is similar to yours - except my W moved out. There still is no resolution, but she asks for a D almost every day.<p>-AD

Hi, <p>I just lost what I posted so I will start again. <p>WS use excuses intermixed with reasons. This combo tends to confuse and frustrate the BS to no end. Some of the BSs try to hang on every word and deed good or bad. What is more helpful is to carefully extract the reasons from the excuses and work with those. <p>Here is what I see from your account:<p>Action:
1. WS moved out about one month ago. <p>Reason:
2. WS moved back in (sleeping on couch) about 1-1/2 weeks ago because of financial problems.<p>Excuse:
3. W pushed me away and said she didn&#8217;t think it was a good idea to continue. <p>Excuse:
4. Now, W is telling me that she no longer wants to commit to saving the M, but wants to see if she can become independent, get a job and take care of the kids by herself. She says that this is important to her and is the only way she can decide if she can &#8216;choose me&#8217; again as her husband. <p>Excuse:
5.W has told me that she feels she got married to young, never had a chance to prove herself in the real world and thinks that she was pressured into getting married and staying married by her family. <p>Excuse:
6. she wants me completely out of her life, but wants to remain friends. <p>Reason:
7.Financially I cannot move out of the house again, but if W&#8217;s thinking does not change soon, I may not have much of a choice. I need to protect my emotional and mental stability and living with someone who doesn&#8217;t want to commit to you is hard to stay with day-to-day.<p>Suggested action:
8. I have told W that I would move out soon and release her of any responsibilities to me but got no response. <p>Question:
9. But, I wonder if staying and continue the Plan A-ing would be a better choice. Has anyone else been in a similar situation with a WS? Any suggestions on what I should do would be greatly appreciated.<p>
Take a look at this (I may be wrong about which are excuses, it's just my take). This is just a suggested guide to help you wade through the crap and work on the real stuff. I had to do the same. It became much easier when I could throw out most of his babble. The roller coaster ride gets bad when we analyze everything. It is just too hard to answer everything when they babble soo much. ex: Don't call me so much....why haven't you called? I want you.....get away from me..... <p>See? Anyways, hope this can help you on where to concentrate your best effort on the WS behavior question. <p>L.

Orchid<p>I can see what you are saying about the excuses/reasons being intermixed. Its obvious to me now that I have thought about it that W hasn't yet fully come to terms with what she did. These comments that she makes to me are just excuses to not admit her wrongdoing. It seems that she wants to avoid the whole A issue altogether right now. Its almost like W is making me out to be the betrayer in this situation and she is trying to decide if she wants me back, instead of the other way around.<p>Does this seem logical?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong>These comments that she makes to me are just excuses to not admit her wrongdoing. It seems that she wants to avoid the whole A issue altogether right now. Its almost like W is making me out to be the betrayer in this situation and she is trying to decide if she wants me back, instead of the other way around.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Bingo!! You nailed it.<p>from you original post: "Now, W is telling me that she no longer wants to commit to saving the M, but wants to see if she can become independent, get a job and take care of the kids by herself. She says that this is important to her and is the only way she can decide if she can ?choose me? again as her husband."<p>A classic reading from the WS script. Translation: I really want to see if OM and I are really right for each other, but I want to keep my options open.<p>DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME AND KIDS AGAIN!!

I second Wat's observation (but then again, I usually do...) LOL!! <p>As a woman, we have this awful knack of wanting to be fought for. Crazy yea, it's in our hormones. Kinda like the way you boys love your sports so much. .... LOL!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This crazy feeling couples with the fact that she is in the fog can send you off into outer space without a rocket! How painful can that be?!??!<p>So here you are. What is a man to do now? Here it from a 'vensuian'.... (or better put - a girl that likes to shop at Macy's)..... STAND YOUR GROUND! Let her know that you love and will fight for your family. If she wants to be a part of you family, then she needs to be a valuable participating member. Each member has value and needs to participate. Let her know that you will be here for as long as you can be (don't tell her how long) and that you love her. If she chooses to leave with that knowledge then let her. It will ring in her head. When a man loves a women that much, it will ring in her head for the rest of her life. Whether she pays attention to it or not, is up to her but it will ring in her head. <p>Hopefully it will ring loud enough to bring her to her senses. If not she may become truly love-deaf. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks for the replies. Y'all have reaffirmed my resolve to stick it out no matter what. It is hard to think positive when I get this kind of crap dumped on me. Hopefully someday W will see how much I love her and am willing to fight for her. I'm trying to go day-to-day but it sure is hard.