Reasons for Affairsby Elizabeth Sparkes<p>**************************************************
Much of my thinking around affairs the what, why and recovery from them, has been prompted by questions and debates on “After the Affair”, a message board for those trying to heal their relationships after the trauma of adultery.<p>A recurring question of every betrayed partner is “Why?”. The experts answer is “an affair is an attempt to get needs met” Many people struggle with this concept, and it is one of the things that provokes the most anger on message boards. In 2000, a thread raged on After the Affair to do with just this concept. The debate centred on a misunderstanding of the difference between a want and a need. I sat down to consider a way, using the understanding I have of human psychology to explain the difference . Maslow’s work sprang instantly to mind.<p>As I returned to Maslow’s writings to get the information I needed, I became more and more aware of how important his work is in understanding the nature of human beings, and why we so often behave in ways which seem quite “animalistic” or selfish.
The following is based on the post I wrote in response to that thread.<p>The Hierarchy of Needs, a Holistic Approach.<p>Kurt raised the issue of is it a want or a need. Karen raises the issue of looking at betrayal holistically. This post is an attempt to do both.<p>What follows is based on the work of A.H. Maslow (1970 Motivation and Personality).<p>It can be seen that all human beings have needs. These are biological, physiological, emotional intellectual and spiritual. There can be seen to be a hierarchy of needs, that is to say that some needs are more important than others, and that only when a basic need is fulfilled, will the individual seek to fulfil a higher need. This is best explained diagrammatically using a pyramid, however as that is impossible in this medium, I will do my best to describe it thus :-<p>7th Spirituality
6th Self-actualisation
5th Cognitive needs. Accumulation of knowledge, to analyse, the need to understand.
4th self esteem competence, mastery recognition and reputation
3rd Love and belonging affiliation and affection
2nd Safety: - physical, psychological, security and protection.
1st. Physiological needs, food water, oxygen, constant blood temperature<p>
Maslow postulates that unless the basic fundamental physiological needs are met a human being cannot move up the hierarchy to another level. In can easily be understood in the case of a tribal man, a hunter, having gone several days without a “kill” is likely to take greater risks physiologically to meet his greater need for food. But the same could also be said of a woman in an abusive relationship. She may take risks in her need for personal safety if she believes that her need for 1st level, (physiological needs) are best met within the relationship. (i.e. “He is a good provider)<p>Maslow also postulated that each individual has a need for growth, through these levels of needs, a constant striving for growth. He said, “Whatever a man CAN be, he MUST be”. So it can be seen that every man (I use the term to mean “person/people) having satisfied a basic need, moves on to fulfil the next level. Constantly striving towards the “top”. It can also be seen that fulfilling our potential higher up the hierarchy also filters down, so that a need for competence for example helps an individual fill another more basic need, as in a competent worker is likely to earn more, and therefore has less risk of going hungry! A competent house builder has a secure dwelling to keep warm and dry in, etc. It can also be seen that society can help bring about a greater abundance of basic requirements. The pressure to conform to societies norm (fulfilling the need to belong, of being in affiliation) also means that groups can work together to improve the lot for all.<p>It has also been observed that should circumstances change, and basic needs are not met, we can “loose” some higher growth. For example, in the case of prisoners of war and Holocaust victims, sex organs atrophied, (shrank) as the need for sexual expression (species survival) gave way to a greater need of ORGANISM survival. A man is unlikely to need to procreate whilst starving.<p>The need for self-esteem. Maslow sees this as in 2 parts, that which stems from the self and that which comes from others. The act of becoming competent in an area of our lives is a need for each individual, but how we perceive that competence is also to do with the feedback we get from others. So to be open to criticism is not an unhealthy trait, it is a way in which an individual can acquire GREATER competence, it is part of our nature to become more and more competent. It therefore becomes a balancing act, of belief in one’s own competence against how one’s competence is viewed by others. Much of how we come to perceive our own competence is based on others view of it, or societies base line. “Arrogance is the result of believing one is doing a great job, when all the world around you disagrees!” (Maslow)<p>We have a cognitive need to understand the world around us and ourselves. We express this in curiosity at a very early age. We have a need to acquire knowledge, to analyse information in order to fulfil the need to understand. This need also filters back down. Understanding how plants grow has allowed us to produce better crops.<p>Self-actualisation depends on self-realisation. “ We need to know what we CAN do before we know whether we are doing it efficiently!” (Maslow)<p>Self-actualisation, being the best we can be, what we MUST be, (to use Maslow’s phrase) is growth orientated, not deficiency orientated.<p>So this Maslow model shows us that each of us has a need for self-fulfilment; that we have a basic human need to grow, that we move through the levels of needs as each of us strives to be the best we can be. It shows us that unless a lower level need is first satisfied, a higher need gets “lost”, but that higher needs actually help us better meet lower needs. <p>As a therapist, I came to learn of this Maslow’s work whilst in training. It’s useful for a therapist to be aware for instance that a client’s need for physical safety over rides their need to “get in touch with their inner child”! It’s very easy, especially for a a “baby” therapist to ignore the clients lack of income for example, and spend many sessions focusing on early childhood issues! Berne taught us to fix the client first, then worry about the how of it later…. the navel gazing that many critics object to in therapy! Navel gazing may have its place, but it is much higher up in the pyramid of Maslow’s needs.<p>But again, as Maslow’s work shows, once our lower needs are met, we then have much to learn by introspection, and by attending to our spiritual growth. This added insight can then sustain us should a more basic need start to require some attention later on. This is the basis of his work…. that lower needs have to be met first…then as we fulfil higher and higher ones, that growth helps us by filtering down too, giving us better and wider recourses in all areas of our lives. For instance, a man who has a deep spiritual connection with their God will be able to tolerate periods of uncertainty in the work place, or when the rains fail and his crops are destroyed.<p>
So what has this to do with adultery? Well, many writers of recovery books, self-help books etc, which attempt to help us understand about adultery, talk about infidelity being a way of meeting needs for the individual. And that part of the process of recovery is for the “betrayer” to understand what need they were trying to meet outside the primary relationship. If they come to understand that, then they can start to get that need met INSIDE the primary relationship, and make it affair proof.<p>This is often a painful part of recovery for the betrayed partner. It often provokes anger and hurt. Often any attempt of the betrayer to look at the need that the affair met will be misunderstood by the betrayed as an “excuse” for the affair .<p>Also the betrayed partner can feel that they are being blamed for not meeting this need, or that the need was not valid. . A betrayed partner can angrily scream “You didn’t NEED it, you just WANTED it!” Maslow’s work can help remind us that there is a difference between a want and a need, and that EVERY need is valid, and more importantly it is the INDIVIDUAL’S responsibility to meet it, although at times we need other people to join in the task with us. It’s not always something we can do in isolation from the rest of the world.<p>Maslow was attempting to answer, “what makes us who we are, and what makes us do what we do”. He looked at tribal cultures as well as western. He is not the only one to do so. I could have used many other scientific studies as a discussion about needs. But it seemed to be one that was the MOST holistic.<p>It also, I believe is a good basis for distinguishing the difference between a want and a need.<p>A need in this context (and the context I use it in) is a requirement that enables a human being to grow, physically, emotionally intellectually and spiritually. And in that order. A child who does not receive food will not grow. Nor will a child who is deprived of love, of a sense of belonging. Research shows us that children who are not nurtured psychologically will suffer physically too. Their physical growth is stunted even if they are given adequate nutrition. <p>Whilst most people understand that to be true of children, they can miss the point that growth is a lifelong pursuit. We continue to grow (or healthy individuals do!) until the day we die.<p>So what ARE we talking about here? Looking down this list, this is all about SELF-actualisation. These are needs that the individual is responsible for filling. And that is true. But HOW we fulfil these needs, on closer inspection, is often WITH others. No man is an island. It is in RELATIONSHIP with other human beings that we meet our need for growth. <p>I am not a farmer; I need others to provide me with food. In our western culture we have an elaborate bartering system that allows me to feed myself, through the division of labour. My need for physical protection is provided by my landlord (and the man who built the house!). <p>I too have a responsibility for my own security, taking precautions, being careful, but I am also dependant on others within society for my own protection. <p>Love, belonging and affection. This isn’t just something I want (and by implication can do without!) I need to belong to my society, as a minimum, because it affords me protection. But more than that, when this need is sufficiently fulfilled, then and only then am I free to move on to a higher need, so that I may become the best I can be.<p>In this way, from birth to death, we are growing.<p>The question has been raised that we have a need for flowers, or that we have a need to go fishing….it has been suggested that not getting flowers, or not been given the space to go fishing is depriving us of a need too, but WE didn’t go out and have an affair because our needs weren’t being met! <p>So these arguments about flowers and fishing, where do they fit into this? What is that all about? Well, they are not a need. They are a want. These are things that we can do without. I could continue my road to level 7 without ever having been given a bunch of daffs! AS LONG AS I HAVE HAD MY NEED FOR LOVE BELONGING, AFFILLIATION AND AFFECTION MET IN OTHER WAYS. <p>What I am saying here is that these things are TOKENS. How we show and receive love is a personal thing, and depends on each individual’s perception of affection. Or should I say how we SHOW and SEE that someone is caring about us. If for some reason of my own psyche, the only LANGUAGE OF LOVE I UNDERSTAND IS the giving and receiving of flowers, then this would be the only way I would feel loved. And if someone knew this of me, and they WANTED to show me affection, then they would wouldn’t they? Of course if they don’t know, then that is a different issue! If I knew this thing of myself (a higher need remember, to understand?) and I was withholding that information, then I am for some reason regressing DOWN the needs hierarchy, to a pre potency stage.<p>So another way of looking at a want and a need could be that a “want” is our own personal wish of how we would like that need fulfilled.<p>Putting this all into the context of an affair, maybe one could say that the NEED (whichever it was!) was valid, but the “want” that the adulterer used to fulfil it was a definite bad choice! Say for example the need was a for recognition (the old ego boost scenario!) the want could have been “and I want recognition from this OP, they seem to be giving it to me, so I’ll just mosey on down this road for a while!” Or “I want recognition the way this OP is giving it to me!” Wrong want, right need!<p>One analogy that has been used is that of a thief. A bank robber may be poor. He needed money (for buying better housing or food?) but chose to meet that need by taking what wasn’t his! The need was valid. The way he chose to get it met was not OK.<p>By looking at Maslow’s hierarchy it is possible to see how an affair could have been attempting to fulfil many valid needs. Lets look at the list again, the other way up this time.<p>1st Physiological needs, food water, oxygen, constant blood temperature…a bit tongue in cheek maybe, but how often does food come into the equation of adultery? But on a serious note, it could be that an affair may start as a way to find a “better provider”.<p>2nd Safety: - physical, psychological, security and protection. The same applies to this level, especially if there is any form of abuse in the primary relationship, overt or covert. It can also be true if the betrayer believed they could loose the primary relationship for any reason (more that one basket of eggs!)<p>3rd Love and belonging affiliation and affection Where the primary relationship has gone “cold” for any reason, perhaps through habit or mutual neglect. Or if the individual feels they don’t get the recognition they deserve…or just because they got more from the OP. In my view this is often the need that is being met by an affair, or an attempt to do so.<p>4th self esteem competence, mastery recognition and reputation. Not so hard to understand this one either is it? An adoring OP is likely to be offering a great deal of this!<p>5th Cognitive needs. Accumulation of knowledge, to analyse, the need to understand. This level is often the most painful for the betrayed partner to come to know…that in many affairs something is learned, that there has been a growth in knowledge, a sharing of information.<p>6th Self-actualisation Another tough one for the betrayed. The betrayer often had the sense of being a “better person” being all they can be within the frame work of the affair.<p>7th Spirituality. Many people involved in an affair will talk about being “soul mates”, of feeling a particular connection with a higher place, again very painful for the betrayed partner to know.<p>.
Of course these needs, and the attempt to meet them wasn’t CONCIOUS in most adulterers. It is only in hindsight that these things can often be known and understood.<p>What I also hope to show using Maslow’s work is how an affair takes you FURTHER away from what we need! If the need for love and affection is met outside the marriage, then what happens to the next level? That of self-esteem? Of competence and reputation? How can an adulterer move up from that? Even on the same level, by meeting the need for affection outside marriage, then the payoff is often the loss of belonging! Being rejected by family and friends.<p>What I have done is to look down Maslow’s list of needs and connect each of them to what an adulterer THOUGHT they were meeting ….but if we look at it again, we can see that in almost every case it was a fantasy, the need wasn’t being met, it just FELT like it was. And this is why it’s important to both partners to understand which need was being “filled” by the affair. <p>We ignore these valid needs at our peril. <p>If we have been betrayed, and we wish to recover, not only ourselves, but also the relationship, we can argue till we are blue in the face that their need was invalid, or that they are TOTALLY responsible for fulfilling it themselves, or that we just plain don’t believe them. The fact remains that as a human being they have them, and as a human being they will in one way or another continue to look to fill that need, whether they are aware of it or not. <p>We have a choice; we can either join our partners on that journey to meet their needs (if they will let us) or watch to see HOW they get it met in the future. And to underline and put in capital letters, THIS ISN’T JUST THE BETRAYER I’M TALKING ABOUT HERE!<p>The betrayer HAS to understand this as much as the betrayed. Look down Maslow’s list again. What of the BETRAYED’S needs? The need for safety (oh yeah unprotected sex is VERY safe isn’t it?) of affection, affiliation and belonging (where was all that when they were off elsewhere?) of self-esteem, competence, recognition and reputation? <p>What we are doing in recovery is DEMANDING that THEY meet our needs. We are doing it the right way, we are respectfully explaining what our needs are, and communicating to them what our expectation is. We all agree that we have the right to do that. In this way we all agree on the unmet needs idea that in a relationship there ARE some needs that are JOINT responsibility. Surely then we must allow them to have some too?<p>A healthy individual is able to meet their needs in a healthy way. They are self-sufficient and are self-aware. But we are social animals too, and we have a need to belong. It is a balancing act between what we can do for ourselves and what we can invite another to do for us. A healthy couple can say “I love you, I want you, but I don’t need you” what we are saying is “I want to share my life with you, but I’m not going to fall apart and die without you. I can get my needs met elsewhere, I have a preference it’s with you.”<p>By starting to understand what those needs are, and how we would like them met, and lovingly meeting them, we are building a relationship to rejoice in. Again. <p>**************************************************
