Hi all,<p>W filed for D on 10/27. She told me on 11/4. I'm still waitng to be served. From what I understand, it shouldnt take this long. What's going on? Should I ask her about it, or let a sleeping dog lie? Every time my office door opens I cringe, thinking it's a process server. The waiting is getting frustrating.<p>I want to put the house on the market, but I don't want to do that until I'm served. In the area we live, we could sell our house in a day or two and I'm worried that once we do, there'll be no turning back. My W has made no mention of selling the house or D since 11/4. What the hell is going on?<p>I spoke to my BIL the other day and he had no idea my W filed. His W and mine are sisters and very close. He said his W didn't know anything. Also, my MIL called me on Thursday to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and said she regretted they wouldn't be seeing me that day (I spent it with my daughter and my family). Seems inappropriate if if she knew. I wonder if my W's said anything to them. Oh well, the waiting continues.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 23, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

sd,<p>Just my thought, I would leave the sleeping dog lie!! Believe me I know how hard that is to do, the frustration is great.<p>Can't tell you what to think or what might be going on as all of this divorce stuff is new to me, only one that I know that has gone through this is my little brother and that was 7 years ago and I was over 900 miles away. So am not sure about all the legalities and how things transpire.<p>Good luck with the wait. Don't expect anything from what your W is doing but do hope that perhaps the papers haven't beem filed yet!!<p>I am thinking of you and as I said I know how frustrating it is not to kick that dog sleeping there!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I think such a thing is a public record. You might check at the courthouse and see if she actually filed. Or she may be having second thoughts and has heldback having you served...why don't you just ask her?

Hi, sd!
See what the others here say. I think you could just ask her. You know, I kept thinking my H filed, and he actually just filed a complaint - not the actual D. He still thinks I'm going to sign the agreement and then he'll file that with the D. I wouldn't have understood that if I hadn't asked him if he filed (which, he thinks he did), and I asked for a copy of whatever he filed - his complaint or testimony. He was confused - I told him to ask his attorney for what I was asking for, and they sent me a copy of his "complaint", which I showed my attorney. I'm not going to push him to file. Let him make those steps. I can understand if you've got a daughter and a house to sell... hanging in the middl, that you would want to know.<p>Flip-side.... Can you wait it out a little bit? Let her wallow in those tough decisions..... let her wonder why you aren't panicking and asking her about it?

Waiting to be served is better than waiting for a court date. (BEEN there, DONE that)<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I'd let sleeping dogs lie. If it's gonna happen, it'll happen. Longer is better than shorter. Especially if you want to hang on to a hope of reconciliation in the future.<p>My 2¢<p>Lupo

Thanks for your replies. She did file, I saw the cancelled check.<p>Maybe she is having second thoughts. I'm really surprised if she hasn't told her family, but I guess I shouldn't be since from what I understand she hasn't told them much, at least according to my BIL.<p>sad dad<p>[ November 24, 2001: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

sd, I saw the credit card charge also. He only filed a compleint - not the actual D papers....

faith1,<p>The check was for $1500, which seems low for a retainer. A lawyer I spoke to asked for a $3500 retainer. I guess it depends on the lawyer.<p>I'll probably wait it out for another week or so. Part of me hopes she's having second thoughts and part of me thinks this is something that needs to get started. Once she see what this process entails and realizes she will have answer for her actions in court, it may be the dose of reality she needs for anything to change. <p>Also, once I'm served and we sell the house, she'll see what life without me is really like. She hasn't seen that yet. Her life hasn't really changed. She's still in her house, seeing our daughter every day and has me around to help pay the bills, clean the house, care for our daughter and do all the things she takes for granted, while still continuing her relationship with OM in secrecy. Having me out of her life might not be as appealing as she thinks. If nothing else, it will give me a chance to begin moving on with my life. <p>sad dad

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know how you feel.... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Part of me hopes she's having second thoughts and part of me thinks this is something that needs to get started. <hr></blockquote>

Not to add to the frustration but she might be holding off due to additional planning on her part. Don't just let it happen get prepared with what you need to do.... just in case.<p>Ask me how I know this.... go ahead... ask.... been there done that....too!

mkn,<p>OK, I'm asking!<p>I am prepared. I know what I'm going to do, just waiting to be served. I'm not going to force her hand or let her goad me into some reaction. I'll just maintain my composure and let her follow through with her decision without any pressure or coersion from me. She'll have to live with this decision and any fallout that arises from it. Any heartache our daughter feels will be by her doing. Any financial burden she feels will be the result of the choices she's made. Any guilt, shame or unhappiness she feels will be hers to deal with since I won't be there to blame. I'll be able to walk away with my head held high knowing I did all I could. That brings me peace.<p>sad dad

W filed for D on 10/27. She told me on 11/4. I'm still waitng to be served. From what I understand, it shouldnt take this long.
That could be the day she first saw the lawyer. They have to have the papers drawn up first, then your wife would sign them, then they would get to the courts. This last bit is the actual “filing.” Once it gets to the courts it may take a while before it is actually looked at by a judge. After that it could take 30 days to get it to a process server. All this is a “worst case” scenario. Generally once it is signed by the spouse, it should take a week or two.<p>Often times a spouse says they “filed” when all they have done is went to a lawyer & maybe even had papers drawn up but just tell the lawyer to sit on them until ???<p>I want to put the house on the market, but I don't want to do that until I'm served.
When you are served you cannot put the house up for sale. Usually, being served puts a temporary injunction on both spouses in that they cannot do anything out of the ordinary (such as move money from accounts, sell property and such) This is to prevent both parties from totally screwing the other out of everything.<p>[ November 24, 2001: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>[b]
When you are served you cannot put the house up for sale. Usually, being served puts a temporary injunction on both spouses in that they cannot do anything out of the ordinary (such as move money from accounts, sell property and such) This is to prevent both parties from totally screwing the other out of everything.<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm, glad you told me!! I didn't know this....<p>NO ONE told me any of this. Well, it's a good thing we don't have a LOT, cause i HAVE "moved money" around.....etc, and I did retain a lawyer once I was formally served.<p>Not to hide anything, just had bills to pay, etc. and NOT getting any help w/stuff.<p>Lupo

Chris,<p>We both agreed that we would put the house up for sale as soon as possible. I may have worded it as if this was something only I wanted to do but that's not what I meant. We both know neither of us can keep the house. The sooner we can sell the house the sooner we can be away from each other. That can't be soon enough for me.<p>sad dad

Once you are served, you may still have to go to court and have them approve the sale EVEN if you both agree to the sale.<p>I’m not a lawyer so please consult one before you do anything.<p>Here is something I found concerning injunctions in Colorado.<p>For your state you might check at Divorce Source<p>“Automatic Restraining Order<p>As soon as a divorce is filed, a special court order called a "Temporary Injunction" automatically goes into effect for the protection of both parties. This order covers both spouses and is printed on the summons. The automatic order basically says: 1) children shall not be taken from the state for any reason without agreement of the parents or court order; 2) neither party shall disturb or harass the other; and 3) property of the marriage shall not be hidden, destroyed, transferred or borrowed against without consent, except in the usual course of business or for the necessities of life. <p>If you are contemplating any of the actions described in above, you should bring that to your attorney's attention immediately, even if your divorce has not yet been filed. If you know any of these actions have been or might be taken by your spouse, you should also bring that to the immediate attention of your attorney.“<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

chris,<p>I think I've decided to ask her why I haven't been served yet. Letting a "sleeping dog lie" may be a better move, but if it's going to happen there's no point waiting to get it started. She may be having second thoughts or is just waiting until after the holidays. I'd rather get ot started now. The sooner it happens, the sooner we can sell the house and I can plan B. <p>I had hoped that in time something would change, but at this point nothing is likely to change until the D gets started, we're out of the house, plan B has some time to take affect and she begins to see the consequences of her actions and choices. It may not make a difference, but at least I'll be able to get on with my life. It's been a year and I'm ready to get off the rollercoaster.<p>sad dad

Sad Dad,<p>I know someone mentioned this, but how come you don't just breeze on down to the court house and look it up. If she has filed, it is a matter of public record, dontcha know.<p>There may even be a Website you could go to for your State/County/City ... maybe?<p>How I found out my H was proceeding with D was my next door neighbor came over and showed it to me in the newspaper. Nice! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sorry you're going thru this, such hurt.<p>Best to you and prayers.<p>Lv,
Jo

Resilient,<p>I will look into that, but the cancelled check pretty much tells me that she filed. I'm just puzzled why I haven't been served. She talked about D since shortly after d-day (4/30). I always made it clear that it is something she would have to do herself, I wasn't going to help her or file myself. Six months of talking about it, another month since she filed, and I'm still waiting. Contact with OM continues, but I'm not sure how often or to what extent. <p>Someone from another board who knows my whole story said she will have to fall on her face for anything to change at this point, and I agree. Getting this started will be the first step in that direction, so in a strange way I'm looking forward to it. She has not had to face any consequences for her actions or seen the reality of her choices, and getting this started may do just that. I've been advised by Steve Harley on just how to handle this, so I have a plan in place. Just waiting to get started.<p>sad dad

Okay .. you sound like you're dealing with this and you have a good plan in place.<p>Steve Harley is great, couldn't find a better Marriage coach anywhere. I'll pray for God's Speed regarding your wife falling on her face, no disrespect intended. <p>Take good care of you and your children. Time is on your side, SD.<p>Best,
Jo

Resilient,<p>
No disrespect taken. I hope she falls on her face too, and I plan on being there to help her up. If my plan fails and I do get divorced, hopefully my
W will at least have to face the truth and I'll have the closure I need to move on.<p>I hear that time is on my side all the time, but it seems the more time that passes, the less likely our marriage can be saved. I guess thats how all BS's must feel.<p>sad dad