I have read the MB site and Board and would appreciate comments on the following:<p>1. How did you decide that you wanted to stay in
your M and build a new R with your WS?; What
was the process or factors you considered?<p>2. I do not believe that I could immediately or
quickly forgive WS; particularly, if
dishonesty or A continues after "D-Day".
foregivenss, for me, would be a process not a
fixed point in time. Even assuming WS wants
to try and save the M I fear that
"withdrawal" period by my WS would be my
ultimate LB and doom my ability to forgive.
Can recovery begin/occur without forgivenss?
3. I was surprized to read that Dr. Harley
referred to OP as the 'WS' "lover".<p> a. Is it 'love'?
b. If it is, why does Dr. H also refer to it
in terms of an "addiction and withdrawal"?
c. Can one person be nearly equally "in-
romantic-love" with more than one person?<p>Your responses will give me guidance. Thank you.

Hi Cletus,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. As you should have surmised from your readings, this site is to help those who have trouble in their marriage recover and better their marriage. If that is not possible then the result of becoming a better person, mate, parent, etc. is also a benefit. <p>I will attempt to share my thoughts on your questions:<p>1. How did you decide that you wanted to stay in
your M and build a new R with your WS?; What
was the process or factors you considered?<p>Response: The choice to work on our M came out of love and commitment. The man my H became as the WS was not the man I married. What lead him to become that strange character, motivated me to search for my real H and give him the opportunity to return. In our case the A acted like a drug. So much so that I was convinced that he was under the influence of a foreign substance. <p>In reality, he was under the influence of a foreign substance. The OW. H submitted willingly. In our case, he surfed the internet to find this psyco winner of an OP. <p>Looking back, my H can not believe what he did. There were issues in our marriage to led him to leave but none of them justified the leaving. That was his choice or way of handling his selfish greed which he allowed to take over his character and turn him into a stranger. One that did damage to his family. <p>During this time, my H admitted that he was out of control and did not know how to return. He is still having difficulty (he has been home for the last 2 1/2 months. <p>
2. I do not believe that I could immediately or
quickly forgive WS; particularly, if
dishonesty or A continues after "D-Day".
foregivenss, for me, would be a process not a
fixed point in time. Even assuming WS wants
to try and save the M I fear that
"withdrawal" period by my WS would be my
ultimate LB and doom my ability to forgive.
Can recovery begin/occur without forgivenss? <p>Reason: Before all this happened, I would have answered similar to you. So sure was my H of that, both he & OW threw all their 'eggs' into one basket and gambled on the fact that I would never take my H back. <p>So I would say that until you are in the situation, no one can actually predict how you will act. It is a very very different perspective you gain when you are forced to be a BS (betrayed spouse). <p>
3. I was surprized to read that Dr. Harley
referred to OP as the 'WS' "lover".<p>a. Is it 'love'?<p>Response: While there are many definitions. The one where the word love is used in connection with the A is the philia love. The one tied to feelings more than commitment. The eurphoric somewhat aphrodisiac scent that pulls one in the opposite direction, not knowing what hit them, going beyond all sense and reason is what is referred to as 'being in-love'. <p>Note: There are other types of love but usually not associated with the A. <p>b. If it is, why does Dr. H also refer to it
in terms of an "addiction and withdrawal"?<p>Reason: Because of the addictive qualities that are produced. Like the love of alcohol. The addictive draw of the A is like that of booze. To pull away from that addiction often has it's major withdrawal period. This period could last, days, weeks, months and even years. <p>c. Can one person be nearly equally "in-
romantic-love" with more than one person?<p>Response: Can a person drink out of 2 straws from 2 different glasses of 2 totally different drinks and not gag? Maybe, but not likely. <p>So this 'in-romatic-love' stuff can be felt, but is it able to withstand what else goes with true love? The enduring, long lasting for better or worse love? <p> ************************<p>Now I ask you C, why are you here and what is prompting you to ask these questions?<p>L.

Hi Orchid. I appreciate your taking the time to responses. Your thoughts on you experience have been helpful.<p>Why I am I here? Some details: married for 28 years, 2 adult children (is that possible); marriage never blissful, believed S happier with R than I, no abuse or prior A. Some 6 months ago in an attempt to strengthen, rekindle t R I found MB site. S and I began process of working through HN,HN together. Two-thirds of the way through the book S suddenly stopped participating. Now, I have reason to believe that S is involved in an A. While I have no proof a wake-up call has sounded. <p>What is prompting me to ask these questions. I appreciate the wisdom of your statement that no one can predict how they will act until they are actually faced with an A. However I am, by nature, a planner. I assume that if these and a million other questions were answered I could do a better job of preparing myself to deal with the current state of my R. In short I am fully capable of making a bad situation worse. Hopefully, insights like yours will temper my reactions. Thanks.

Cletus,<p>You have to make a decision if you want this M w/ possiblity of A, think of the worst. 99% of spouse instinct is correct. I had the same feeling but I dismissed it, even I dismissed a clue from my D. Love blinded me.<p>If you do want to, read up on plan A and no LB. Regardless of posibility of A, put together plan A and do it. Follow the link on 50 sign below..., make a journal on "void time" and work from there to discover A. Be ready on what you will face. If you find prove of A, my sugestion is do not expose it until you are done with plan A, expose it when you are ready to do plan B. I made mistake by exposing it too early, I did not know about MB back then.

Hi Cletus, <p>Thanks for your response. Yes you may be headed for that rollercoaster ride that you did not purchase an A ticket for but nonetheless you will be put on free of charge and against your wishes. That is what an A does to everyone else. <p>You have been reading here for 6 months. Have you thought about having a phone counseling session with Steve or Jennifer? You say that your W suddenly stopped participating......think the A was already in play or is your W going through a MLC? Has she been to a doctor for a general or annual women's physical. If your W is around my age (40 ish and gettting younger - yea right :rolleye: ) then many things could begin happening to her inerts. <p>So you like to be prepared and that is good. See if you or both can do the emotional needs questionnaire to give you more insight. Check out some of those links that Redhat gave, he is a great guy and has helped many. <p>Take Care,
L.