Who wants to chat about continued contact? Who has gotten past this point and has some words of advice? How do I know A will die a natural death before I die of a broken heart?
Heck

I can't really give advice right now - just hugs and support and I KNOW what you're going through.

Hi Heck,<p>I can spend a few minutes. What kind of continual contact are you referring to? In my short lifetime here, I have seen more than I want to and more parts of the OW than anyone should have seen!!! LOL! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will help if I can. <p>L.

Thanks Alberta - good luck to you too!<p>Hi Orchid!
This is so hard to do! My H never fully committed to saving our M. but I thought that is the direction we've been heading since he came home 4 months ago. I think my H never wanted to make promises he couldn't keep. But I do feel like there are times when his heart is truly in it. It's like having my old H come to visit!<p>And some days I truly feel like we are going to beat this thing. But H is still working with OW (I'm sure you remember me whining about this on previous posts!) and I don't think he can get through the withdrawal thing working with her. I imagine that they are continuing a EA if not occasional PA. It has been 6 months since d-day and I thought by now the A would have died the "natural death". H seemed depressed last week and I had recently discovered that the OW had moved out of her home with H and gotten an apartment on her own. I thought his depression was due to guilt about not joining OW in their original plans to be together at this time when she was leaving her H. Now of course I wonder if he is still seeing her. I know many people would just say it is time for Plan B...but I'm not ready. I feel like we have made some progress and I don't think I can ask him to leave when I have no proof that he is still seeing her. I think Plan B would hurt my children more right now than it would help my marriage. Plus with the holidays coming up it is not good timing. We did go to counseling for 1 session after my H moved back home. But counselor didn't see any problem with H working with OW even though H pointed out that many professionals say to treat it like an addiction and avoid contact completely. Yes, my H DID say this to the counselor but also told me that he was not at that point. Looks like he'd rather give up his family rather than his precious job with OW.<p>Sorry, this turned into a vent. Anyway, I have had a very good attitude about this whole thing. My friends are amazed at how strong I have been. (Thanks to my MB friends!) I have told him that although he has done a horrible thing he is not a horrible person! I have expressed how I believe our future together has GREAT potential!<p>What do I do next? Do I continue my Plan A hoping the A will die and act as if I have no suspicions about his relationship with her? Do I pressure him to go to counseling again with a new counselor? We do have a little trip planned to go to Chicago for a few days in early December but I hope it is not ruined by one of his 'moods'. <p>Help!Heck

Hi, <p>Ok, you suspect that your H (even though he is home) is back with the OW. You may be right. As long as you can stay in plan A (remember who this is good for) then go ahead. You feel you are not strong enough for plan B then that will be an outside goal to be prepared in case you need to get to that point. <p>Have you read the revised plan a and plan B thread? I posted NSRs writeups a couple of days ago. It might be helpful to review it. <p>When we went on our trip, H was acting moody then again so was my son..... so I had a nice chat with the both of them and said that we all needed a nice get away and really hoped they would each do their part to make this a nice trip. This was hard for me. At that time I was having anxiety attacks almost daily. Still do but not daily. The bickering got to me a few times and I had to leave to clear my head. Despite that we did have some good family time. The funny thing is that both H & son were annoyed with each others behavior. Hmmm.... then they individually reflected and helped each other have a better attitude. Son was having TV withdrawals which H & I have talked about due to the TV has been a babysitter during this trial (I am home and stressing) and this was not good for our child. <p>So that is my take, set your boudaries (in a gentle and nice way) and watch his reaction. <p>Remember logic and compassion travels slow in the fog. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi HoaG,<p>You should be talking to Lora. Her story is so similar to yours it's scary. Lora posts primarily on the "Recovery" board, altho she does frequent here as well. If I talk to her on the phone today, I'll let her know to post to you. <p>I'm so sorry for what you're having to go thru, I know how frustrating it is and how much it hurts.<p>Very best and prayers are being said for you, sweetie.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 24, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

heck,<p>
Well ,here I am, not to offer advice, but to commiserate. I am in the same place. My H came home 7 months ago, said he hated OW, would call the police if she approached him at work... yada yada yada. We had a good month and then I discovered phone contact. I asked him about it and got He wasnt sure about our marraige, he was just talking to her.I deceided to give it 6 months as it seems like it often takes awhile for contact to end. So here we are. Just when I feel we are getting closer, either I will feel him distanceing again and then find contact or this last time that hurt even more I felt we were closer and I still found contact.<p>I dont know what to do. I go in for a hysterectomy on Teusday, so the timeing is real bad for me to go to plan B, or even try a conversation that might turn into a confrontation. I am tired of waiting for it to die out now. I am not sure it ever will. I am tired of living in a marraige that is not really a marraige, waiting for him to come around and be a husband. I am ready emotionally for plan B and maybe will think about it for right after I can return to work. Because if he cant end it in 10 months on his own, he never will and I cant go on like this , I will be more of a plan B headed for plan D I think. I dont have much left to give to this relationship.

Hi Lora,<p>I'm so sorry you are in the same boat as me! Do you think your H is continuing with a PA, EA, or trying to remain friends with the OW? Did it seem like you were in true recovery? I know with me and my H there is definitely still room for big improvement, but some days I just felt (feel?) so sure about our recovery! I'm too scared to try to discuss anything relationship-related with him, since in the past I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. And now I know some things that he is keeping from me that I would like to discuss with him, but then I won't be able to continue with my snooping sources. <p>Perhaps I am overreacting. Maybe my H is still trying to beat this A. But I know he has communicated with her and those 14 words are killing me. No, it does not mean he is sleeping with her again, and there was no mention of "love"...and this is really the first substantial thing I've found since he's came home 4 months ago. So maybe this is a bump in the road. Hopefully you are only experiencing a bump as well!<p>I've thought about trying to contact the OW and ask her what her intentions are. When H and I first discussed working things out he said he could never work with her. When I asked if he would get a new job he said he thought she would probably transfer. I don't know if this is something that the 2 of them had already discussed, but I wanted to tell her I think it would be best for all of us. She is leaving her H, her daughter died last year and her oldest son will be graduating and going away to college this year. I would think this town is just filled with bad memories for her and she has no family here. My H would never quit his job, and I would ask him to transfer, but our whole family is here and I want my kids to know their grandparents and the rest of the family. Plus I would be scared to pick up and move and go thru all this again with no support system! I would like to talk to her in person about this, but I'm probably too chicken! (Plus I don't want her to know that I know where she is living now, and won't just show up at work.) I might have to send her another email (sent her one right after d-day) but I know I would not get a response and I really want to know what she thinks. I want her to know things are going well with me and my H and imply that he will never leave me for her. (i would word this carefully.) Would this be stupid?<p>Keep in touch! Let's help each other through this! We could email if you'd like. There are some things that I'm not comfortable putting on this website just in case one of them are lurking.<p>Hang in there, Heck<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: heckofagal ]</p>

Hi, <p>So here's a suggestion. While not going into A discussion thingy, try testing the waters on other subjects using the same POJA and radical honesty techniques. Then you may see his reaction without notifying him of the A? <p>Ex: "Honey, I need 'reassurance' in your agreed commitment on helping me with the _______project on the house."<p>Note: Reassurance may be one of your ENs. Commitment may be another. Helping a 3rd. He may not score high in all but you may get a better picture of where he is. <p>Ex: "Honey, here is the _______ you asked for. Let me know if you need something else." or "I made your favorite dish......"<p>Note: Finding out if he believes some of his ENs are being fulfilled. Even though you may be fulfilling them, they may not want to admit it, thus giving them more excuses to keep you at bay.<p>Hey, JHMO.<p>L.