I met my husband when I was 15, moved in together when I was 16. He had an affair with a coworker when I was 21, and we split up for a year. We both lost everything. It was a very painful year, and when we got back together, it seemed that he understood just what he had done, and that he realized just how much he loved me. Things seemed to be on track and we ended up getting married when I was 25, and we had a beautiful daughter a year later. This is where things changed again. We had decided to work opposite shifts to be better parents, not knowing that this would be the worst thing we could do for our marriage. My husband worked 11-7, and I worked 3-11. This was great for my daughter, but my husband and I only saw each other in passing, and every other weekend. We were both exhausted, and had no respect for each others duties as parents. He couldn't understand my day, I couldn't understand his day, and things started to change. He was even more distant, and moody. I sat back in my own world and tried to figure out a solution by myself, and he was sharing with a female coworker. By the time I found out about the affair it had been going on for about 8 months. He said it was over and that he would find another job, and we started going to counseling. The affair really hadn't ended, or it did, but working with her, and her not wanting it to end, it continued on and off. I gave him several chances, he always said he would find another job, but never did. He destroyed everything, how can I trust him again? He lied so much, he had no regard for my feelings, he watched me fall apart, and beg him not to continue the affair. I admit I was very distant, and was devastated everyday when he went to go work with her. I've had conversations with her, and of course her stories are different from his. After about 10 months of this rollercoaster ride I decided I couldn't take anymore and my daughter and I moved out. I was really hard to move out, and things only got worse. My husband finally a month after I moved out abruptly quit his job, leaving us with no insurance, and no financial support. This really upset me, why now? He has made several attempts to get back together, but wants me to just let the whole affair go. He is working now but is still in financial trouble, he is not with the OW anymore, but she called me a month ago, to complain to me that he wont return her calls. I love him, but can't understand how he could have done this if he loves me. It has been 5 long months since I moved out. We talk but it is really awkward. If we try to reconcile, I bring it up, and want answers, and then the fights begin. My family lives out of state, and my best friend is my husbands aunt. For Thanksgiving I had my husband, his grandmother and his aunt over for dinner. It went OK, awkward but OK. Unconsciously, at one point I called him dear, I panicked, and he didn't respond. Then when they were leaving, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said Happy Thanksgiving. I don't know why I did that, what was I thinking, or wasn't I. Yesterday, we got into it again, I just can't cope with what he did. How could he do this to me again, and if I take him back, will he do it again in the future? He came to pick up our daughter, and of course I had still been crying, he left with her, then came back, and hugged me, told me that he loved me and missed his wife. I just cried and kept asking him how could he do this if he really loved me.... He didn't answer or couldn't answer, and he told me he loved me, kissed me on the head and left. I have been crying since, I love him, but how can we fix this? How does the pain go away? Playing detective has given me to much information, and to many painful memories. Can I let it go, and when?
