<BR>Yesterday I was angry and I did very well for the most part (no tears). I kept telling myself that I'm going to be strong and I really hate the person he has become.<P>Today, just now, it started hitting me. I feel sick to my stomach, it's taking everything within me not to call him. I took him off my instant messanger buddy list so I don't see him on (and wonder who he's chatting with).<P>I wish my meeting with my pastor was today. I'm really starting to loose control. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be sitting at home either. My head hurts.<P>Did he ever really love me? Even though he proposed and gave me a ring, did he have any intentions on committing? When I said yes to his proposal, I was committed as though we were already married - I would have died for him.<P>I want to run and never stop. I HATE this feeling. Why did he do this to me?<P>Thanks for "listening".<BR><P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

LadyK - you're asking exactly the same questions I have. I separated 6 months after I got married when my H chose OW over his marriage. I have finally started to level off to a state of indifference and managed to get past our 1year anniversary without any problems. You are going to be okay. You are grieving a loss, maybe not of 'x' number of years of marriage, but of the future plans and dreams you had with your soon-to-be husband. People will say 'it's a good thing you weren't married' - it doesn't matter, when a relationship breaks you grieve for what was, or what could have been, or both. Hang in there, he did love you, he knew about the committment he was making - if he says he didn't he's just justifying his actions, believe me I've heard all the justification. You'll get through it just hang on and don't beat yourself up for the emotions you feel!

LadyK - <P>I feel so bad for you. I know how you feel. My W's affair is still pretty fresh...she's living with the OM and has filed for divorce. I know the feelings of ambivilance you speak of...I go from calling my wife every profane and vial name I can think of (at the top of my lungs) one minute to breaking down and praying that she come back to me the next. It's really wierd to feel so MANY emotions squished up against each other like that. I'm an engineer, so using my emotional right brain to this extreme has been strange and scary.<P>I don't know when this all started for you, but I've found that getting on anti-depressants has helped TREMENDOUSLY throughout the ordeal. They take a few weeks to kick in but I HIGHLY recommend seeing your doctor for a prescription. Also, don't be afraid to talk to as many CLOSE people you can. You'll find that many just don't know what to say...don't take offense that is a normal reaction.<P>Definitely see your pastor. i don't know how strong your faith is, but I can tell you that before my ordeal, I was a lapsed Catholic...maybe going to church 2 or 3 times a year. Since the affair, I have renewed my faith, and have asked God and Jesus into my life. It is absolutely amazing how much of a difference there has been since I've done this...I realized that I have tried so hard to impose my will on the situation. Although I'm not sure what it is, I now understand that only God's will will succeed. I have handed this problem to Him and asked for guidance. You know what LadyK? It really does work. Try it.<P>Your husband did and still does love you. He is in the early stages of the fantasy now. You did the right thing by not snooping (I found that snooping after discovery made me feel worse...and it didn't change the situation one iota.)<P>Hang in there, get some exercise, see your doctor, pastor, counselor, talk to friends and family and keep posting here!! I'll pray for you.

The ups and downs must be normal. I was very strong the months before my separation. Even the first 2 1/2 weeks went okay. Last night and today have been horrible. I've made plans for the weekend, though, and it looks pretty full. I've not been alone in 25 years -- what an adjustment!

Thanks so much for all your support. I mean that. It means so much more since you've been there and know what I'm going through. My SO and I have been on such a rollercoaster ride the past 9 months.<P>He told me yesterday that he had set up an appointment with our Pastor for next Thursday. It could be just another lie or it could be something else. He is very involved with the church. He is very concerned about what everyone thinks about him, too. I don't have intentions on maligning him, but I refuse to be a pillar of strength and say it was mutual.<P>I am on Zoloft. I have bounced on and off of it the past few months. This is my 2nd day back on it in about a month or so. I was taking Xanax once too and that's what I need to get some rest at night. That's when it's aweful and I pace the floors.<P>Here's to tomorrow being a better day.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

Hi Lady K -<P>I just responded on your "Over" thread and then saw this one. <P>Let your feelings flow - the emotional turmoil is normal and to be expected.<BR>When you feel yourself needing to do things that you know you shouldn't or that you really don't want to - jump on here and we'll help you through it!! Did you get your AOL back - do that toot sweet!!!!! We're here for you!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

LK, I'm pretty self absorbed here lately. But, I feel for you. Talk to me any time you like. JB

Hi, all,<P>I love the support here. I posted an update on my "It's Over" thread. I'm very positive about where I'm at and I have managed to reach a peace and calm within myself that this is right for us right now. There's nothing wrong with a sabatical and I plan on making the most of it. The boys and I were on the go all week-end so I'm pretty exhausted. That could be the early stages of the Zoloft, too, I think. I'm just thankful to fall into bed at a decent hour each night and fall right off to sleep. Usually it's the middle of the night that I get emotional and can't sleep. I only had one night like that (Friday night).<P>Besides, my son made the only goal in his first soccer game of the season so he's on Cloud 9 and I couldn't be more proud. It was a great ending to a great week-end with them. :-)<P>Keep smiling and God Bless you all.<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>