I need advice but this is also a vent just for me since H doesn't want to talk about it.
I've read on these boards that 3-4months postD/day are the pits for the BS. I've arrived there. i"ve been crying off and on for at least 2 days now.
Small, stupid little triggers that make me mad as hell and I just break down and cry. Can't help it, the tears come running down my eyes.
Also H has said some very mean things which I am having a hard time dealing with. I don't think he means to be mean, but it sure feels that way to me.
We haven't had any just alone time in awhile. We went to visit my uncle in the hospital. The 5 minutes it takes to drive to and back are all we've had besides working on a house project which isn't private.
I asked H the other day if he made or had contact with OW when he was away this last week for 3 days. He said, "no, I told you, M, that its OVER!, don't ask anymore". I told him I need to ask as its the only way in my mind I can get reassurance from him and build some trust back. He says he won't talk about the A anymore. He hasn't in a long time.
We were standing in the kitchen and he made some comment about how messy with JUNK it is above the kitchen fridge cabinets. In the old days I would have said something like "maybe your next wife will be able to do everything to your specifications". This time I thought about that and just started crying. I'm crying now.
Pastor said something about Solomon having 1000 wives and it really messed up his life to the point where they swayed him to worship other Gods and idols. He should have been happy with one wife....his first.....that made me cry too. Every little thing sets me off lately. I have thought about writing OW a letter that I won't send. Got that idea off of this board, and guess I will try it. I'm also going to try journaling too.
I was cleaning out my closet yesterday with him as we are going to have some shelves built in there. Came across some internet directions to Monticello. At first he said, where did you get this stuff? I didn't. HE printed it off the computer. That's one of the places HE went with OW. Started crying about that too.
I have sent H emails with excerpts stating how I feel and why I need to talk as he won't talk face to face. He hasn't answered them.
The other night I took a xanax as I wanted to get to sleep and then H said I snored and kept him awake, said he needed to get his rest. So I left and slept with the girls. I thought about it and got really pissed off. I have been leaving the bed for nearly 15 years so that he can get his sleep. I have been considerate. Where has it gotten me:? Now 2 years ago I set up that room so I could have my own bed and not have to roam the darn house everynight looking for a bed to sleep in because I coudln't sleep because of his snoring. We agreed it would be our room, but I feel if he needs to be separated, then by God, he should be the one to move. I'm tired of being the one to move all the time. Then he complains he misses me and wants a body there when he sleeps. So, he gets another warm body.....the OW...where does that leave me? He has an appt tomorrow to see the Dr. and then on Dec. 18th to get his sleep apnea machine workup.
I am just so confused as to what I want anymore. I was thinking today that a few weeks ago he said that he didn't think I would be able to lose all the weight he wants me to lose anyway, so he isn't making any committments. I'm pissed about that too. Maybe my love bank will be empty by June. Then he can just go. It has almost been one year since I haven't worked either. Maybe that is bugging me. H is a good provider but doesn't want to spend any money for Christmas gifts. I haven't worked for over a year now and won't be able to contribute to that. Just another reason for me to think of myself as a failure which I'm not, but if I'm not "contributing" I feel guilty about spending his money, even though it is for both of us.
I am just feeling like garbage. I hate it. I need to get over this, but can't. I see the counselor tomorrow. I'm going to tell here there isn't any use in going anymore because H won't see a counselor. I don't feel like I've made any progress lately. We are dropping back intto the same old stuff. I want to rip the darn tv out of its socket.
We have S** at least 4 times/week. That is good. I touch him often, tell him I love him. compliment him.... etc. He is just not meeting my needs for affection or validation. I want communication with him and its not there. I'm just sick. I feel empty inside and restless. I'm also sick of pretending everything is alright with me whenever anybody (friends, people from church, my sisters) ask. I can't confide in any of them as I feel it would be counterproductive and would make me the bad guy.
Can anybody give me good advice? Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and need a swift kick in the @ss. I don't know. I'm tired of crying.
Mikkey

Okay...here it is your KICK!!!<p>YES, YOU'RE HURT AND YOUR FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED...<p>but, if you keep touching a wound it won't heal right and it will keep hurting...<p>YOU ARE RIGHT...<p>but, where does being right get you? Just right...there is no big prize in life for being right...<p>I have read LOTS of books over this journey and one thought keeps coming up...you have to have good will towards your spouse and continually treat your spouse with kindness...yes, you can be hurt, angry, mad, sad, defeated, ambivilant....you name it...but YOU have to manage those emotions....YOU...MANAGE....<p>If you keep doing things the same way you always have, you always get the same results. Try looking at things from a different angle...try saying things in a different order...act or react in an opposite fashion from what you would normally do...see what happens...

Mikkey,
OK, I'm putting on my boots..get ready.<p>You want a job, go get a job.
You don't want to change beds..don't.
You want to be happy..start doing thing that would make you happy.<p>I'm not saying kick his butt..heavens no..treat him with kindness, consideration, and good humor, but start spending more time doing things that will make you happier. Get outside and walk, get your hair done, look at your weight loss accomplishment with pride and quit feeling you're not good enough.
Make a list of one thing a day that you like about yourself...this is all about you not him and, at the moment, not your relationship recovery..it's about your personal recovery...get up and DO it.<p>OK, boots off....been there Mikkey..had to do it myself..still have the bootmarks on my butt to prove it.
T

Hello Mikkey,
((((((((((hugs)))))))))<p>You are going through the normal stages of recovery. It is much harder than most people think. During the affair, we are putting so much energy into getting the WS home that we don't think of what will happen once they do come home.<p>Since I am a full year into recovery, I am just a few months ahead of you. If you recall my posts, my WS said some very mean and hurtful things to me six months into our recovery which was accompanied by physical blows. Now, he does not remember any of the hurtful things he said.<p>You hit the nail on the head when you said you are not spending any time alone together. That has to be a priority for both of you. You need the time to heal and bond. I always tried to make it as fun and light hearted as possible so my WS would want to spend more time with me. I tried not to wear my feelings on my sleeve. I deserve an Oscar for some of my performances-smiling outside and dying inside.<p>I know about the triggers. I tried not to let it get to me. When it did, I cried in private. My H also never wants to talk about the affair. It was hard not to talk about it but I have managed to not ask as often as I want to. There are times I needed to talk about the affair and I did. I told him I cannot just bury it under the rug - that I need to discuss in order to heal. But, I do try not to talk about it very often, maybe once a month in the beginning.<p>Your love bank is close to empty. Your resentment and anger at your H for having the affair is coming out now. His attitude is not helping you. However, you have worked so hard and come so far. Do not get disheartened. The honeymoon stage is over, but you can keep the love alive. <p>As for the weight issue, I am still puzzled at your H's attitude. If your weight is such an issue then your sex life would not be so active. I think it is just an excuse he is using to justify his actions. Please, do not buy into it. <p>Twyla is right. Get a job if that is what you want or need to do. It is not his money, it is your money. You should not feel guilty for wanting to spend money during the Holidays. <p>I know exactly where you are right now. You are wondering if this is worth it all. You are tired of hurting, of the triggers. IT IS WORTH IT ALL. I can say my H is in love with me all over again. It would not have happened if I did not Plan A again and again during the recovery-even when my heart was numb. My H says his goal in life is to not ever hurt me like that again. I could not believe that this came from him. I am still facing several problems but we are working together to solve them. <p>Hang in there Mikkey-you and your family are in my prayers.<p>NOMO

Trying again and Twyla.... Thanks for your responses, and the boot marks. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I am trying to make changes in my "reactions". You can't believe how good I can count, and my tongue continues to bleed on a daily basis from biting it. Thanks for the analogy of the wound.
I think it is quite amazing that I have not stormed and raged at H since this first came to light. I have done it in the woods, by myself, but not with him. I have THANKED him for being honest with me about past contact to OW when it has ripped my guts out and I've wanted to get that piece of stovewood out. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> I haven't let my H see me cry. On one hand I feel this is dishonest, but I cannot also deal with the rejection I would experience if I let him know.<p> About the bed, I emailed him to let him know how I felt and then he asked what should happen next time he snores like that, I told him --he'll have to be the one to go downstairs [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
TWYLA, Thanks for the advice of making a list of one thing a day that I like about myself. I make a list weekly of what I like about H and email that to him. Never thought to do myself. I had also read your reply from another thread that I found so helpful to me. Thanks. I can't even remember the name of the thread, it was to someone else. But thanks for sharing.
NOMO thanks for the commiserating. I need that just as much as a kick in the @ss sometimes.
It validates that I have to have some kind of feelings like this and I'm not simply crazy. What I do with them is a different matter, but for someone to say "they've been there" and survived is so helpful. I'm glad to know you are doing well in your relationship. Sharing that really helps and gives the rest of us hope.
Mikkey