<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Hi mylife,<p> I can really sympathise w/ your post. I'm married to a doc, too and spent sooo many years raising our 4 children practically alone while he did med school, residency, started a practice and moonlighted alot to get his practice to be a huge success. I really believed that was what he was doing! Well, I guess he was some of the time, but on d-day, Sept. 14, 01 he confessed that he has been having affairs throughout our 15 yr. marriage! Not only that but he is "in love" w/ this current A and has feelings for her he has never had for any other woman, including me! I can hardly believe it even as I sit here and write this.I have been devasted and am on antidepressants which are finally beginning to help.<p> He never left tho, so perhaps I am fortunate, at least to this point. But our future together is so uncertain, it really just makes getting thru each day so hard. I know he still has feelings for the OW, and is still in phone contact w/ her. he denies the EA, but its obvious to everyone that works with her.He says that when he calls her its just for business (he started a new business and put her to work there as the business manager! He hasn't made her leave either) but I don't believe it. <p>So believe me when I say that I can relate. I don't know about you but I believe that so many women out there are just waiting to try and snag an MD. They think that the money and life are so great, thats all they can see. They don't know about the many times your kids are disappointed cuz their dad has an emergency and can't make it to their game, or is never there on time for dinner. Or so many nights of being lonely cuz your H is working. I get so sad thinking about this, I sometimes feel like I have wasted so many years on a dream that has turned into a nightmare. Do you ever feel like you don't even recognize the person you were before you found out? I do. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It must be really hard to think that your new child will begin his/her life w/o a dad at home. That same thing happened to my best friend (also once married to a doc). He left her when she was pregnant w/ their 3rd child. I will tell you that I have seen her grow and develop in ways that awe me. She has been a terrific role model for me especially since I found out. She is so strong and so focused on raising those kids. They have turned out great. So hang in there and I will say a prayer for you to hope that you will find some peace and comfort. If you wish to email, please do: cckolyer1@aol.com

I saw your topic title and immediately thought:
"Hah! Join the club!" (not that it's a fun one to be in).<p>I had a really hard time getting ready for plan B for the same reasons as you. I kept on coming up with a mega LB which I wanted to 'fix' first.<p>My only suggestion to you is to beware of the regularity of your LB's. You might be better off moving into plan B before you let 'em rip again (speaking from personal experience here.. grin).<p>What I wish I had done, was to have my plan B letter ready (to email) further ahead of time. That way, before I knew I was going to LB (and you have to admit, you KNOW when they're coming on), I'd send it, and let plan B commence.<p>Karen

Hi Mylife,<p>Your story broke my heart. I'm so sorry. You don't have to be mad at your H, I'm mad at him enough for the both of us.<p>Can I ask you a question? Does the OW know you are pregnant? <p>Jo

Mylife,<p> My WS wife used to make me feel the same way. In some cases I think it helps the WS to have a villain to focus their negativity on. It's much easier than looking in the mirror for a problem. I don&#8217;t know your story but I can only assume that most of theses things you're "guilty" of in his eyes are mostly molehills that are distorted into mountains. I can tell you in my case (post disclosure), I was the bad guy for not following my WS scripted plan when I discovered the PA. In her plan I was supposed to smack her around, throw her out, so she could let her new knight save her from the terrible ogre I'm supposed to be. Oops&#8230;how weak and needy of me to hug her and tell her that it will be OK and try to work on our M. The best advice I can give you is to try to not take it personally and try to make tomorrow better for you. <p>
HI

Dear Mylife,<p>You are in an unenviable situation. I know a little about what you must be going through. I am the one who went through med school and residency. My WH had the A. The temptation in our profession is incredibly strong. The opportunities are limitless. Thankfully, I never fell into that trap. That being said, being the spouse of the physician is likely much harder than being the physician.<p>Your spouse is behaving very poorly. A marriage takes two equal partners and each is equally to share in the problems. On the other hand, in my opinion an affair is an altogether new breach of trust that does not necessarily parallel the degree of marital strife. I do agree with some of the material in this web site, however, I cannot believe that we must provide everything a partner needs at home. This is impossible. None of us is capable of completely fulfilling another person. We cannot call ourselves failures for not being able to fill up our spouses with love. In my opinion, affairs happen because of lack of forsight of the consequences and because of lack of a strong sense of morals in the perpetrator. These people do not take into consideration the damage they cause to family. They are selfish.<p>I believe that every situation needs to be considered individually. Each may need a separate plan of action. I cannot see that any single plan can work for every situation. That being said, I cannot imaging living under the circumstances you live with now. I would highly recommend Dr. James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough". You cannot let your children watch you live without dignity. If you implement even some of what Dr. Dobson recommends, you will find out for certain what your WH is made of. If it is the "right stuff", your marriage may be saved and for the better. If your WH runs, then you will know without a doubt that he does not have what it takes to be a good husband and father. There will be no doubt. You will be better off either way.<p>I urge you to stop being a doormat now.<p>Goodluck. I will be praying for you. Let me know what happens.<p>docJ

Because...they have to have someone to blame...the alternative would be to blame themselves....<p>That is why plan A...no LB's or plan B with no contact is so essential...it takes away their 'excuses, justifications, reasons and blame.' All that is left is themselves. It is hard for them to look in the mirror...so they won't. They cannot reflect on themselves and what they are doing...so they fill their lives up with other things...other people...and...soon it will blow up in their faces...<p>You do the growing and changing you need to do for YOU and for no one else and your WH will be left holding an empty bag of hot air...he will not know what hit him and will be wondering how he could have screwed up so much...

That's right, TA.<p>KaBOOM!<p>Jo [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

I have been there too--tho my H is a pilot rather than a doctor. I also have 4 kids. For the last 7 months I have listened to him say every conceivable, horrible thing he could about me. It really hurt. <p>Rationally, I knew it was just for rationalization--emotionally it is tough. Howvever, if you can pull back from it a little--you will see how stupid their comments are. I know this is a hard time for you emotionally because of your pregnancy--but please try to take what he says with a grain of salt. You can't change what he is doing anyway. So focus on what you can do for you and your kids. You are very special and so are they. You don't deserve to be treated like this---it is total irresponsibility on your spouses part. So enjoy this holiday for you and your kids. <p>Make new traditions, do neat things for yourself---and let your H wallow in his FOG. You have the important part of your family--your kids. Take time to enjoy this special time while you are pregnant....and try not to worry. I know it is hard, but my prayers will be with you. Pat

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mylife:
[QB<p>Anyway, why is it that WH's attitude went from feeling guilty about A (before anyone knew about it) to me becoming his designated person to take out all of his anger on, once everyone found out. [/QB]<hr></blockquote><p> I'm so sorry. My H did the same thing. It's all part of the package. Guilt then anger. Besides being all about lies, affairs are also very much about justifications. When the WS hits the anger stage there usually has to be someone to blame for all of it and it sure isn't going to be the WS or the OP. My H had very little ammo against me so he was really grasping at straws. We almost never fought or argued, so he even threw even the littlest things that happened when we were still dating back in my face. One morning right before he moved out he went into a rage and started screaming at me because he found a single dog hair on his suit. At that point in time everything was my fault. Then, stangely, as time went on and the fog started to clear, NOTHING was my fault. I became a saint in his eyes. Weird, but good for me.
I know how it feels being pregnant when all of this is going on. 2 days after WH walked out on me I found out I was pregnant. It was no "accident" we had been trying for a baby and I'd had a miscarriage afew months earlier (which set the ball rolling with H's depression). H of course knew there was a possibility I could be pregnant when he left. When I told him he said "Just so you know, it doesn't count as me walking out on a pregnant wife because I didn't know when I left." How's that for rationalization and justification lol? He told the OW right away. She was very upset of course because she was worried it might mess up her plans. She still didn't feel guilty about me. She later told me that she kept hoping I'd miscarry and that she told my H that she would be there to support him throughout my pregnancy. How sweet. Oh, I almost forgot the really good part. OW told me that once she realized he was drifting away from her she secretly tried to get pregnant (apparently she lied to him about being on the pill) so that "no matter what, he would still be in my life forever." I really think that with his mental state at the time he would have committed suicide if her plan had been successful. What a twisted mess. But take heart, we came out of it better, stronger and more in love than before.