Here is the situation. I thought that I was doing "OK" with my plan A. But here is the problem. Allow me to briefly recap on my situation. <p>WS moved out into her own apartment without telling me about A. I found out on my own by driving by her apartment in the middle of the night out of suspicion. She had asked me to keep it in secrecy from our family (probably for her to save face and make me look like the bad guy). <p>Well the Wed morning (She drops our daughter off at my house on her way to work, and my mother comes down to baby sit for us) before Thanksgiving her and I got into an argument about her taking our daughther to her boyfriends house on turkeyday. She then said "This is exactly why I moved out, cause of this sh*t!" and I retorted with "No, you moved out so you could [censored] your boyfriend!" All of this was said in front of my Mom mind you. She decided to run and file for a divorce that day.<p>I called her later in the afternoon and asked her not to do anything out of anger and to cool off before making any major decisions. I still don't know where we stand. She tells me that she does not love me, and that there is NO reason for us to work on our marriage. I can't even get her to go out to breakfast as friends. She says that she is not ready for that yet. Right now I am just letting her cool off and only talking to her when we need to talk.<p>Can somebody help?<p>[ November 26, 2001: Message edited by: mermit77 ]</p>

Mermit77, You can't control her actions, only your own. You had every right to say you did not want your child around OM, but what was said beyond that was a LB. You have to control you. Easier said than done I know. I have a temper and have been known to shoot off my mouth when I should keep it shut. <p>Apologise for the judgemental remarks you made. Don't make excuses just say you are sorry. Then plan A as best you can. If she won't talk to you then be sure when you go to see your child you are as nice and as even tempered as you can be. Later when you are alone you can yell, kill a pillow or two , whatever. But just keep your cool around her.

First things first. Are you in Plan A?<p>I've heard all the things that your wife is saying to you. Been turned down when I asked him out when we were seperated and all that good stuff.<p>You need to work on you....and make sure you stop with the hurtful statements. Been there....said waayyy too many of them myself. Harder than you know what to do....but hurtful statements aren't going to bring her back. They are going to push her farther away and make her make decisions out of anger....just like she did.<p>Do your best Plan A. Let her see the changes in you...do it for yourself and your daughter.<p>Right now....don't worry about her and the OM. Try to do things to put that out of your mind.<p>You have control of you and only you.<p>I know that times like these are frustrating....but you are letting the situation control your anger....hence...hurtful statements. Get control of yourself and then you will be able to show her the changes that you have made and them maybe she will be doing a double take and back tracking back to you.<p>Take care,
Heather

mermit77,<p>Damage is done ... the bright side of it, A has to be brought to day light if WS doesn't want to stop it.<p>While you are waiting, learn more about MB. Try to lists her complaints about you & M. Separate fact (complaints) from excuses (reasoning), those are your basis for plan A. Try to guess her EN, the order is not important, fill them in if she allows you to. Learn not to LB.

I had given her the EN, and LB questionaires to fill out cause she said she would (about two weeks ago). She has yet to even look at them. She is now telling me that she does not care if I become a better person. I am doing my best to no LB, but it is so damn hard. I lover her with all of my heart and I can't mention it to her cause it just pisses her off. I could say hello to her with the wrong pitch in my voice and it will piss her off for the whole day.

Oh, the other thing is that she doesn't even have ANY desire to try and make our marriage work. She has told me this, and the fact that she doesnt even care that I am Gwyn's father. I think she seriously needs to see counseling, but I have no idea of how to get her to go. <p>She was abandoned by both of her parents when she was 15 years of age. So, the only thing that she knows is abandonment. On top of all of the crap that is going on here, she told me early in our marriage that she didn't believe in divorce cause of what her parents went through, and put her through. She used to say that no matter what the problem you can always work it out.<p>I have mentioned this to he before, and all she can say is "well that was when I was happy in our marriage." How can I help her see that people don't divorce when they are "happy" and that problems don't occur while in a happy state of your marriage?

M,<p>TIME- you need time. She's furious with you right now, try not to provoke her any further.<p>The best bet would probably be to just back off, give her some space, and let HER call YOU. Don't talk about the heavy stuff (Obviously, if she brings it up you have to, but only go so far as what she's talking about- don't "FINISH" the conversation).<p>Work on YOU, plan A is for you and you alone. fill out the EN and LB forms FOR your wife....put yourself in her shoes and REALLY try to see it all from her point of view. This may not be exactly right, but it'll be better than the nothing you have.<p>Time is the thing you need most, and the thing that you have on your side. The two of you have a HISTORY and a DAUGHTER, hopefully, those two factors will eventually factor into her decision making.<p>God bless,
Kev

You cannot get her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go and you will not get her to do anything that she doesn't want to do.<p>The more YOU try to get her to do something right now....the more she will NOT want to do it. For some reason while they are in the fog....we the BS's almost seem to become the enemy.<p>You said that her parents abondoned her at 15 so that is all she knows. That to me is a copout. While it may have a certain affect on the rest of someones life......it doesn't mean that that is all they know. I was abandoned at a young age also.......but I'm a fighter.....just like all the other people that come here!<p>We fight for what we want....that is what she is doing right now....while in the fog they will do and say the most horrible things....and we can too....been there.<p>Relax and take a breather.....you can't do anything for her right now because she's not going to let you so focus on YOU!<p>I've been right where you are....said the horrible things and heard the horrible responses. First of all...that has to stop.
Then work on yourself.....make a change for yourself...something that is good for you and then she will see it...when her anger settles down.<p>My WH said all the things she has said and acted the same way your WW is acting....but when I quit worrying about him and his OW so much and started working on myself and what I wanted to change he started seeing those changes and the grass didn't look so much greener on the other side anymore.<p>If she doesn't acknowledge the changes then your still better off. You're going to feel better about yourself...and at this point....that is very good for YOU!<p>Perfect your Plan A.....take time for yourself...and your daughter.

Thanks for the advice, and just letting me vent. I am really beginning to like this forum. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think it really helps to have all of these other people here who can give advice on what can work, and what doesn't work. I think it is also beneficial to have WS's here too. That way we can see both sides of the fence.<p>Just a little update. Wed. night was the first night that we actually started "talking" to each other again since thanksgiving. We got along excellent. I had to take one of our cars to a transmission shop to have it looked at, and we met up there to go to the rental car place for a car to drive in the interim.<p>Anyway while we were at the rental car place we were taking the car seat out of the car and putting it in the rental. So we had some time to chitchat. We had a very nice conversation and it looked like she wanted me to ask her out to dinner or a drink. As hard as it was for me to do so I refrained. So yesterday (Thursday) we met up again this time at the doctor's office to take our daughter in to get checked out (poor thing has a sinus infection [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ). <p>After the appointment I walked her out to the car and helped her put baby in the car and she asked me if I wanted to get a drink. I said yes, I would like that. So we went and had a couple appetizers and a tasty beverage. Along with that came EXCELLENT conversation (but she did bring up money briefly) and we got in a quick little tiff. Nothing to get pissed off about. Anyway to make a long story short, we left the restaurant and walked out to the cars and she had a cigarette so that she could talk to me some more [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and when she was done we continued to talk a little more, and then when we said our goodbyes she gave me a hug. I said "thanks, I had a nice evening." Her reply was "I did too!"<p>I just need to continue to be genuinely nice to her even when the going gets tough. I can see changes in her attitude towards me when I do.<p>Oh the other thing is that I didn't ONCE bring up our relationship at all (as hard as that was). We just talked about her day, and how things have been going in the past few days. This worked like a charm [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In addition to all of this other crap she is complaining about OM. Quite often I might add, but then when she is mad at me she tells me how much she loves him. So, they are having there own issues after 2 months of being together. This makes me happy. I just really need to stick to plan A and not falter. I know that I can win.<p>Anybody else have any other advice for me?<p>EDIT: I also forgot to add, that I don't think she has filed for a D either!!! I don't know though, cause I won't ask her about it. I just don't want to bring it up with her. She hasn't said anything to me about it, so I think she has put that on the back burner for now. Hopefully to wait and see what happens with us.<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: mermit77 ]</p>