I just found out that my W and the OM are still taking. I've asked her many times and she keeps lying to me about it. Should I just stop asking? I'm trying to keep on Plan A (been on it for a month), but I'm not doing well. I know it takes time, but patience is not my best virtue. How long do I allow this to keep happening? I almost asked her to leave today.<p>Thanks

Burns, one of the toughest things I've had to contend with is the realization that I have no control over my W's actions. It doesn't make it easier but there's not a lot you can do to stop it. <p>The conclusion I came to is do I want her in my life if she can't choose our family over him? I need her to make that choice without provocation.<p>If you've read the info here you know that the A will likely die a natural death and there's not much you can do to speed the process. It's very hard man, I feel your pain everytime the phone rings but we have very few options if we want our Ms. I wish you all the best!

Just be thankful that your wife is still living with you. My wife moved out THEN I found out about the A after she moved out. She never even gave me a chance to try and make things work. I am doing my best to stick with plan A, but it is VERY hard for me to do with her gone and seeing him every single night. I have to practically pull teeth just to get her to do anything with me. Hang in there and things will fall into place.

Burns,
This is tough! I suggest you read as uch material as you can. I am be no means an expert - if you read Kevo's post you get the jest of my perspectives -- I am normally a real softy, but I do believe there are times when we (the BS) have to outline our limits -- this is not something I have read a lot about, but the idea is that we cannot control our S (as other person stated), but we can control how we deal with their actions. I understand that we have every right to let our partners know how we feel & that we love them, but .... there has to be some consequence to their actions -- that is tough part -- plan B kind of thing -- tough call I know.
Dobson's book has excellant ideas about this kind of thing --
Limits -- focus is on you & your limits -- when I first herd this concept I thought we were to outline limits for S -- these are out limits as to what we will tolerate in relationship.
For what it is worth, I don't buy into the concept of letting the A die of it's own accord --this sounds too enabling to me -- SNL has interesting viewpoint of calling thing in post for Kevo -- may not be as bad as we think -- if no actual contact -- but it has to be according to how you feel! IMHO
Best of Luck!!
HH

burns<p>I know you are hurting and can feel your pain. I was there in your shoes a little over a month ago. My WH A went on for three months after dday. Was the hardest thing.<p>I would ask him if he had talked to OW sometimes he would tell me yes and other times he would lie. If you continue to ask do in a non LB way. Tell her she can tell you and you will listen(you might not know what to say) If she does tell you she has talked to OM. Tell her thank you for being honest with you.<p>I do feel in time she will open up and trust you with her feelings.<p>This is the hardest time. But I really feel the A is dying.<p>I can understand what HH said, but I tried everything to end my WH A and I really don't know if it helped. I gave him info from this site and told him what he would lose and have to pay if he chose to leave.<p>Stay in Plan A and come here to vent. We are with you and will help you, Keep us posted.<p>
SLH

I have the same problem, and the latest time this was revealed, I once again spelled it out for him: That this continued contact and deception about it in the face of my consistently telling him how much it hurts and how it destroys any perceived progress in our relationship will eventually destroy my love for him and any hope of a future together.<p>I told him that I didn't know how many do-overs I have left in me, but that each time this has happened it has decreased my emotional investment in the relationship and if continued will eventually result in me not being invested at all. I feel that I have given him fair warning (something he did not give me before pursuing his A).<p>I also told him that I am well aware that his failure to meet this #1 need for me may be due to my not meeting an important need of his and asked for his help in determining if that was so and what I could do to meet his most important needs. The only thing he came up with was for me to understand how emotionally and physically drained he is all the time. I assured him that I would be more mindful of that in the future.<p>In addition, I asked that, in light of his limited resources, he put all of his chickens in the Honesty and Openness pot for me until that need was fully met before investing any of his limited energy on my less important needs and reiterated that any deposits in those needs would not make up for the dishonesty LBs.<p>I feel now that the ball is in his court, that he knows the consequences of continuing this pattern, and I have peace knowing that I will know when I am ready to plan B.

Burns, <p>I had the same exact problem. I knew she was seeing OM and lieing about it to me. The lieing is like a disease, once they start they just keep going and they tend to try and make you think you're paranoid. I have been plan A for 4 months and she just kept getting further away. My anxiety level was boderline lunatic. I simply could not go on with this without knowing for sure. So I listened in on a phone conversation she had yesterday morning and heard what I feared was true. "I miss your kisses and your touch". <p>I will warn you that hearing or seeing what you fear to be true is devastating. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I confronted her about 1/2 hour later and she denied it....Can you believe it? She said I was paranoid. But then I quoted her exact words and it finally sunk in. <p>I told her I will not continue with this deception and that I no longer wish to be married to her and that I was filing for divorce. (These were not threats as I truly believe I cannot be married to this woman right now, hence, I said my true feelings). <p>She had been sitting on the fence for 4 1/2 months with complete disregard for the utter Hell that my life has become. She is now off the fence in a big way. Begging and pleading for one more chance, saying she will do anything, ANYTHING, not to lose me. She hadn't as much as kissed me in 4 months and she was stuck to me like velcro all day yesterday.<p>To be perfectly honest I don't even know if I want her but at least the fog has lifted over her head or she's just full of [censored]. <p>What ever way this goes I know I did the right thing. I simply couldn't take it anymore. Looks like I have some serious thinking to do.<p>just my 2 cents.<p>WW4L