Hello again,<p>It has been a year and a half since I found out about the OW. I moved out 5 months ago, and
the OW has been out of the picture for 4 months or more. My H wants me to decide, get back
together or get a divorce. I don't want a divorce, but I am scared to death about getting back together. I love my husband, but I know that down deep I haven&#8217;t gotten over what he did. It changes by the hour. See sometimes I wish I were like some of you and didn't know
everything. I do and this is why it has been so hard. I know about places they went, and how
long they were together, I even have been at her house, and she showed me a letter he had
written her. This causes me more anguish. There are some things I guess I wish I didn't know.
AND of course, you must always be careful of what you take as the truth from the OW, I
know for fact that a lot of what the OW said were nothing but lies to keep my husband. I know
that if he really loved her he would be with her now, but he isn't, so why am I having difficulty
giving him another chance. The OW calls me to complain my husband won't return her calls.
What ####'S she has to call me because my husband doesn't want anything to do with her. I would love to give him another chance, and to have this NEVER happen again, like he promises, but the trust is gone, so is his promise for real...... I miss him, and he tells me he misses and loves me, but I can't even say it back, sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve it. That makes me seem so cruel, and not my character at all. Some nights, I just hold a pillow tight and pretend it is him, but won't tell him how I feel. I guess I feel if I do then that will be telling him that it OK to get back together, but I'm scared. I have read so many article, so many websites, but I haven't figured out how to let it go. Has anyone been in this situation that has gone back
and had success? Does it get easier if your together? I am sad without him, and it makes me
cry to read about all of you that are in the position that your H doesn't want the relationship
back or even to try to make it work. Mine seems like he does, maybe I am just being stubborn.
I want him back, but cant seem to take the step!!! My H even gave me a CD of all of these
songs, about regret, being sorry, about what I mean to him. I listen to it, cry, want to believe
every word, feel that it was sincere, but still have trouble moving forward.<p>My H sent me this poem, just thought you all would like to see it, I'm sure a lot of us can relate.<p>An Exercise in Sadness<p>Steichen's roses have faces in them I've seen on a few sad occasions. <p>Occasions for sadness can be found anywhere. <p>Now I'm aware in this intuitive way of the absence at my back. <p>How do I explain it? I lie in bed, alone. <p>I turn over to my side. No hand moves between my shoulders. <p>No lap molds itself to the elbow of my knees. <p>The smell of me, me alone, rises warmly from under the covers. <p>I toss and turn. I turn wearily towards the lack of you, <p>hold still as if to hold you still. <p>--Gabrielle Glancy
published in The New Yorker

JoJo,<p>You and your H need some counseling. Take the emotional needs questionnaire but before all that, tell him how you are feeling. If you keep him at bay, he may not want to work on the marriage. You have more going for you right now than most of us. Don't loose that opportunity, but show your H that your need the trust restored. It can be done in stages. Reassurance, trust of future things and rebuilding the trust from the past as well. <p>Yes you both need to realize the how and why's of the A. If your H is back and wanting to work on it and you ignore him then he gives up and leaves, how will you ever know it could have worked? <p>If you can't do that on your own, talk with Steve Harley. He might be able to help. They offer a phone counseling session. You need to work over this fear. I think you also need to let your H know how you feel. You may find that once you tell your H that the recovery is not as difficult as you think. <p>JMHO,
L.

jj<p>Orchid is right...you two need to see a good counselor. I read so much in your post that you could get past with a good counselor and a large share of resolve on your part.<p>I know it isn't easy...but if you believe it is worthwhile, and I think you do, then you can make it happen.<p>A good counselor can help you deal with your issues and also help your H see what he needs to do to regain your trust.<p>You can be happy again if you let yourself...<p>If you truly love your H, don't let stubborness or fear keep you apart...<p>good luck <p>E

JoJo, <p>Good advice here. I just crossed into the same situation as you. I love my wife, but I'm still very angry with her for what she has done to me. I don't trust her and will not for a very long time to come. I'm not sure what to do either so we are going back to counseling tonight.<p>I am looking at it this way (but with much skepticism). People can change, I have changed as a result of my W's affair and it is for the better so perhaps she can change as well. I am being given an opportunity to heal my marriage and I am going to try because I do still love her so much, but I am going to be extremely careful for my own protection.<p>There is nothing wrong with fearing fire after you've been burned...it's natural.<p>It sounds to me like your husband has seen the light you may want to give him a chance.<p>Best of luck to you.<p>WW4L

Hey Jojo...
I am going to give a different perspective here...the one that describes your husband. I know because I was the WS first. My actions set into motion the place that I am in now, and it is miserable. My W did what she did, I have forgiven and moved forward, but she, like you doesn't seem to be able to get past the trust issue.<p>Its a tough place to be, where we, me and your husband are. Nothing we say seems to be enough to help you see the changes in us. Our words mean nothing because you can't believe anything we say. Our actions aren't enough because you've seen it all before. You don't trust yourself to start trying to trust us again. I have committed to doing everything to showing my wife that I am different...not for her, not for anyone but me. I had to change because I was on a road headed for destruction. Time is all we have at this point. Its what you have. I would give anything to hear my wife say some of the things you have said about missing your husband. I can only pray that she feels some of that. I send her cards, flowers, write poetry...she can only tell me that she doesn't trust me and feels like divorce is the only answer. I think she knows otherwise, but for her to say would somehow take away her right to choose. <p>She feels like she doesn't have much control in all of this. Like I did what I did and have come clean and am sorry, so she should just say okay? <p>All I know is, I love my wife. Plain and simple. I am working hard to show her every day. Choosing to love her even though its not been easy, even though right now she is doing nothing to try and meet any of my EN's. She doesn't even want to try...<p>Do yourself and your husband a world of good...in all of your hurt, pain, agony...if you still love him, even a little, you don't have to swing the door wide open, smile big and say here I am, just leave a little crack in the door, just open enough to see some light. If he has that, its everything. It means there is a chance, he knows he's in for a long journey, but he's got something to fight for. I pray for this ray of hope in my situation Jojo...you have a chance to breathe life into this relationship, or you can speak death into it. <p>God bless you both, I pray your marriage find strength and happiness!<p>If you have a Bible, check out 1 Samuel 30:8...a good story and one you might relate to.<p>"Pursue and recover all!!"

I just wanted to thank you all. I understand we need counseling, we went about a year ago before I even knew he had slept with her, but she wasn't out of the picture. The truth of the matter is I really understand much of why the affair happened, but to me when the roads get tough you're not supposed to bail. If that was the case I could have had an affair too. My point is if life gets tough, in a few more years does that give him the right to do it again? Does that mean that I have to feel that one wrong move or that one of life's challenges will be to much for him to handle, and could bring us back down this path? I love my H so much that I can't even picture myself with anyone else, so how could he get into bed with another person. How could he just forget about ME, and his daughter? He knew that when he crawled into bed with her that he would be ruining his marriage, but that didn't stop him. One hour I am going on and on about why, and how could you, and the next I just want to hold him again.
Just to let you all know, despite my reaction above, I am trying to get up the courage to tell him how I feel. I start to, or intend to and then my above behavior blows it. We end up fighting because he feels he has answered all of my questions, and it still doesn't make any sense to me. "WHY????? If you loved me HOW COULD YOU??"<p>Hey, Missing her, it was very nice to see your reply, even though you made me cry. My H printed me out some articles from this site a while back, and I do believe he is trying. I do believe that your W is like me, she is feeling, but not showing. My H thinks my life is grand, I'm making it without him, I seem to be moving on, but behind closed doors, I'm here on marriagebuilders.com, crying, depressed, missing my husband, and wishing I could stop being stubborn, and fearful. <p>Good Luck to all, and thank you for just listening.

Jo, the others have given you good advice, and of course counselling is critical to unraveling things for any of us when life gets confusing. I have some additional comments, in the sense of providing a balance. Obviously MB is focused on rebuilding marriages, that is the goal. But one needs (and the harleys stress as well) to be motivated to do so, that means each and every individual in a troubled marriage has some preliminary work to do first, decideing what they really want. It sounds like you are struggling with that, and so I will address that, and not rebuuilding.....just don't want you to think I am being "negative".<p>IMO an affair is a serious business, and not something you necessarily should accept or forgive (as in the sense of restoration, not in judgement). You have had a truth revealed about the nature of your marriage, and the nature of your H. I don't believe affairs just happen, or are singular events, they are a sympton, and they mean something. Likewise they also reveal things to the BS, force them to deal with issues they may have as well, both issues of deep-seated doubt (which they may have buried and denied), and issues about themselves and the effect they have on the ws. <p>IMO the very first thing one does is not focus on the ws, or their issues, but look long and hard at whether the marriage is one you want. The trouble is people grow accostomed to their marriage, and miss the "picture" they thought they had, this often is confused with "loving" the spouse, when what they really love is the picture of who they thought the spouse was, and what the marriage was. And what they miss is feeling married, and all the "stuff". The fear is starting over, and building that again with another....it seems easier to just keep doing it with the one you have. Denial runs rampant in relationships and ignoring ones real feelings is very dangerous in the long run. <p>There are some key questions you must answer before you can be properly motivatred IMO.<p>The first is an assessment of your H. <p>1. Is this his first affair? That requires some serious consideration on your part. Did he cheat on you, or anyone else, before (even while dating). You can really never know this for sure, if he says no (and look him straight in the eye when telling him reconcillation depends on his being completely honest, starting with this question), is he lieing. If he has, then you have a tough call to make.<p>Whether you stay married or not, what did he learn from this choice? Not even talking about whether he wants to me married or not, but what did he learn about the extreme difficulties seeking a relationship under those circumstances entails? The hurt to other people, the deceptive behaviour, the spiritual conflict, the difficulty developing the relationship in a healthy manner...etc. He should be expressing things that indicate he would not pursue this avenue again, not cuase it hurts you, but because it is not a good way to try and live, and he does not want to find himself there again. This is what protects a bs, not saying I love you, but the pure self-interest realization that an affair is not in his best interest. We can always trust peoples behaviour the most, when we know they are acting in their self-interest, and it is consistent with what we want too. If instead we are trusting cause of a promise or such, we are at more risk of being let down. Ideally a marital partner would be someone who would never have an affair for any reason. There is no way anyone can gaurantee that, cause of the nature of human psychology....BUT someone who has experienced it, and knows how it feels now, and how it develops, should be able to say (and convincingly so) that they would not choose that path again.<p>IMO it is a red flag when a ws won't talk about the affair. There is no reason not too. He should answer all your questions, calmly and willingly. No reason not too. If he understands why it happened, and has decided such a choice is not the way to go, exploring that, and explaining it to you shouldn't be too difficult. WS who won't/can't do that are much more likely to do it again IMO, partly cause they are expressing conflict avoidance behaviour, and that is a huge precursor to an affair.<p>Once you have assessed (rationally, not emotional feelings for him, but a cold calculated assessment of his character) this, go on to the next step, if you think he is "safe". If you don't think he is safe, you have a tough decision to make. Cut your loses and move on in life (and do not look back), or accept the risk he will betray you again if the proper circumstances appear, and that you are going to have to "watch" him forever, and try to gaurd agains those circumstances occuring. Some say you can do that, that affiar proofing is part of marriage....I disagree, I can see no reason to be married if I feel part of that is gaurding against affairs, kinda destroys the whole point of marriage, that being trust and safety.<p>I have more, but have to go now, will add to this later.