Just a short query. I'm Plan A'ing and have been for the past 2 months, and making small steps on tyhe positive. One day at a time and all that. I guess that this question is directed at the males out there who may be in a similar position to me. Errrr...sex! What do you do when that need is just driving you bananas? Let's forget about the snide comments about cold showers etc...been there and done that. I'm also a little tired of mugging the kojak doll as well, so don't suggest that. I guess it's the need to hold someone, the need to feel skin on skin and obviously the need to have sex. I have paid for it, and i'm not really keen on going down that path again. I've read posts which say that going and having an affair is what you SHOULDN'T do, so OK, let's take that on board as well. What do you reckon?...hit the internet personals with a vengeance, or what? I'm just confused as to what is right and what is wrong. Maybe it isn't a question of right or wrong...maybe it's just a question of management.....

MUGGING THE KOJAK DOLL?!?!?!?! OMG, ROTFLMAO!<p>Seriously, Snert, tell us a little about your story. Maybe change your biline to include your story. Are you married, having trouble, is there an A already involved, why aren't you getting this particular need met (kojak, HA [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )?<p>If you're married and there's no A pending, have you spoken to your W about this need? Filled out the EN questionaire together?<p>Let us know so we know how to respond.<p>I've never heard it called that [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Kev

HA, Kojak! Sorry, I never heard that either. <p>Let's see:
-have an affair, NO
-meet someeone online, NO
-paying for sex, NO<p>Doesn't leave you with many options, huh? What is your situation? I'm assuming that your W is in the middle of an affair and not meeting your SF need?<p>I wish I had some infinite wisdom, but all I can think of is that you have to find other things to occupy your time. When the need arises, take care of it youself. Get creative, buy toys, videos, dolls, magazines, pretend?<p>Sorry.
HbH

Yeah Snert,<p>This is a toughie...<p>I know what you are saying...<p>Except for me it isn't even so much about the sex...it is the feeling of being wanted and being close and all that--maybe my feminine side coming out? I never thought about it that much that way before...but it has become more and more important the less physical contact there is...<p>You have pretty much laid (oops sorry about that [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) out the options and none of them are very appealing...<p>I wish I had a good answer for you because then I would have a good answer for myself. All I do is try to make it from one day to the next...<p>Sorry I wasn't much help...<p>Hang in there...KVACK<p>E

Gidday All<p>Thanks for the replies. The situation is this...WS has been out of home for just over 2 mths and is living on her own not far from me. She assures me that the A is over and as in my original post, I am Plan Aing like crazy. No LB's (well..I try), and she is indicating that if she gets some time on her own (to sort her issues out)she wants to come home. We are amicable, and there is plenty of clothed hugging and kissing. But to go that extra step is proving a problem for her in that she says it would only be mechanical and she doesn't want that. Sooo...where does this leave me? Climbing the walls basically (and i'm really tired of being a visitor to the ancient chinese city of Wanking). It's very frustrating and I have made contact with a separated woman who is basically in the same situation as me. She just wants some physical contact with no strings. She wants to keep it discreet, as she wants to get her H to come home too. My sexuality is mine to manage, and it's being wasted at the moment. I love W sooo much, and I think i'm doing OK with the Plan A. In fact any LB's seem to arise out of this feeling of abandonment and frustration. I want to try and eliminate these feelings and hopefully another source of LB's, and well...I guess I'll just have to follow my heart on this one.<p>Snertus Interruptus

Snert,<p>Yer crackin' me up over here- Snertus Interruptus- GET OUT!<p>Anyway, whatever you do, man, do NOT have sex with that other woman, stop even talking to her about your problems....you're emotionally vulnerable right now. If you believe that your WS A is over, and that she'll come home, don't do anything to screw that up!!!!<p>Maybe, just maybe, you could talk to your W about it. Does she know about the MB principles? Tell her that this is an emotional need for you, ask her if she might just go through the mechanics. Don't beg, just ask politely and if she says no, well then, it's back to the shower. <p>It sure SOUNDS like your W still loves you, man. I don't know if she tells you that or not, but it sounds like it. Please think twice before even TALKING to another woman about this problem, then think about two or twenty more times.<p>Kev

I have to agree with Kevco here. If you really do love your wife, DON'T do it man. You will screw yourself royally. Your W will NOT understand this and it will draw you two farther apart.<p>You are vulnerable. Kevco has an excellent idea of talking to your W about this. Don't even bring up OW when you talk to her, it would be seen as a threat. "oh if you don't do it, I was thinking of just having sex with this other woman so it would fill my need". Oh man, please don't do that.<p>It sounds like you are SO close. Don't blow it. Stop all contact with this OW, she is a cancer to your marriage whether you realize it or not.<p>HbH

Well Snert, <p>From a vensuian's point of view, you gotta tell her your need!!!! Know that it may fall on deaf ears but she will know the signs. She may even play it against you but at least she will know your need. Are you up to that kind of treatment? <p>On the other hand, she may see your need and develope the desire to fulfill it. Most women want to know they are needed. Some just plain don't like it and others want to be shown they are needed. I am not sure what kind of vensuian your W is. <p>Is she a needy woman in the reassurance arena? If yes, that's your ticket. What are her top EN's?<p>L.

Hi All<p>Thanks for your thoughts. I did meet with this woman and had a drink. I did ask her back to my place for a coffee. I did not sleep with her even though I'm sure she would've. I just couldn't do it. She was nice. Note the emphasis on the word "was". I won't be seeing her again and she has been told this and she accepts this. At the very worst, I spent 2 hours in her company socialising. However, I do take issue with some of the thoughts expressed to me. The thing is that I am not the WS in my marriage. I am the victim. Why in the **** should I spend my time in self-flagellation and misery because of the waywardness and inconsiderate behaviour of my W. I have acknowledged all of my faults in not meeting her EN's (and there aren't too many areas where I failed there, but where I did...OK...I can change that easy) yet, I am still being hung out to dry.
My W made a choice. She chose between coming to me and talking about her concerns about our M, or taking up in the arms of OM. She chose to fall into the arms of OM. I was not given the opportunity to change. "Because I was scared of your reaction" is the reasoning she gives me. What reaction?? Since the A came to light I have backed her to the hilt and listened to her concerns and changed. Yes, I have changed!!... so that I can meet those EN's that were neglected over the years. Simple as that. And given that I have forgiven her...given that I am supporting her financially whilst she "finds herself"...I am still being hung out to dry sexually. And, yes I have discussed my needs with her, and it seems that she just doesn't care to go that extra step with me for heaven knows what reason. Sorry kids, but i'm just a bit sick and tired of being a victim.<p>With all due respect, and believe me I DO respect you people out there, it almost seems that in a lot of the posts I am reading, we BS's wallow in the fact that we are victims. I am the victim...many of you the victims. Why should we go on being victims? It's a beautiful day outside here, and I see many ppl walking in pairs ...seemingly happy. Why do I have to be a "single" skulking amongst them feeling miserable and ashamed that my M is on the brink? I want to be happy...I want to laugh...I want to go about my days as a whole person and NOT feeling as though I have been robbed of part of myself by a selfish betraying W. Becoming whole is what we must do if we are to regain any semblance of who we were when we entered into our beautiful fantastic relationships with our now WS's. The question is...how?<p>Sorry about the rant, but I have given much much thought to this and I AM open to your thoughts on any of the above. *Phew*...after all that i'm off to braid the hair in my nostrils again.<p>El Snertino

Snert,<p>Done? It's good to vent and get it out....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My W made a choice. She chose between coming to me and talking about her concerns about our M, or taking up in the arms of OM. She chose to fall into the arms of OM. I was not given the opportunity to change. <hr></blockquote><p>Careful there, you almost described Snert there for a second. My point is, sure your W made a choice, and she betrayed your trust. But is turning right around and betraying hers going to make things any better???? Sure, the revenge A is awefully tempting sometimes, but will it do ANY good in saving your M, or will it make recovery only MORE difficult?<p>Ask yourself these questions, and consider the answers VERY carefully.<p>Nobody's saying that you're not justified in your anger, frustration, what ever. But is having an affair yourself going to fix any of that? NO!<p>Also take into consideration that from what we've read here, your marriage seems awefully close to a breakthrough. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>she is indicating that if she gets some time on her own (to sort her issues out)she wants to come home. We are amicable, and there is plenty of clothed hugging and kissing. <hr></blockquote><p>Many BS here would do nearly ANYTHING to hear a spouse say those words and perform those actions. If her A is truly over and she's REALLY just trying to deal with her feelings, and she REALLY wants to come home, then do you want to risk it by having an affair and making an already unbearable situation even worse?<p>Just trying to help.
Kev