One of the questions my WH has asked me recently is why am I trying so hard to save M now. I let him know all of my feelings now, of love, desire, fear...everything. He says if I had done this 6 months to a year ago we may not be in the place we are now.<p>How do I answer this. He already knows I was in a depression, weight gain, moving to a new city w/no family or friends, becoming a stay at home mom, all contributed to this. I started coming out of the depression about a year ago, but did not fully realise all the damage and pain I had already inflicted. I did not do enough to try and fix it then. <p>He does not understand why I am trying so hard now when he is at a place where he does not care so much about my efforts.<p>Please, anyone, what do I tell him.

Hi needing - the question your H asked is a fairly common one of WSs. Your answer should be exactly what you told us.<p>The problem is that he doesn't really want to know the answer, that's why he will reject yours. He's trying to put the blame for the affair on you. He will not accept that you can recognize your issues and change for the better because this will remove his "reasons" for the affair.<p>Answer truthfully, as you stated above, and be prepared for the answer to be rejected. Accept this as part of the affair psyche and continue Plan A.

Needing,<p>I've been asked this VERY SAME question several times. All I can think to answer (aside from things like what you've said) is that "IF NOT NOW, WHEN???" This is absolutely the MOST PROFOUND and HURTFUL experience of our lives. If THIS isn't going to force us to truly look at ourselves and try to make life changes, what possibly could do that.<p>I'm sure you agree that it wouldn't have take THIS to precipitate our changes. As SoFar2Go posted in an earlier thread, I wish my WS would have taken my head in her hands and told me: "I'm not happy, you're not meeting my EN, and it's hurting me. If we don't work to change something, we're going to get divorced." I surely think THAT would have been enough of a wake-up call for me.<p>Kev

Needing, I&#8217;ve gotten this question as well. I think most of us do and I agree with WAT. It&#8217;s a justification issue for the WS. We caused the A by not meeting their needs. I also believe that the fact that we don&#8217;t just throw in the towel is often a huge irritant to them. How much easier on the conscience must it be to be able to say that the BS ended the M.<p>Depression is an entirely different situation. My wife&#8217;s A provided a wake-up call for me and the horrifying reality that I&#8217;d lost at least 10 years of my life to depression. I can&#8217;t use it as an excuse for my actions (or inactions) and I can&#8217;t absolve myself of responsibility for the condition of my M. That would turn it into a crutch I&#8217;m unwilling top lean on. All I can say to my W is that I have seen and I am taking action and that it sometimes takes a significant emotional event to wake us up. The very nature of depression makes it nearly impossible to admit never mind combat by one&#8217;s self.<p>Where is your H&#8217;s responsibility in this situation? As Kevco mentioned, I also suggested to my wife that honestly and openly telling me how she was feeling would have had the desired affect. I can&#8217;t recall getting asked that question again, perhaps that truth was a bit too hard to rationalize away. Who knows&#8230; <p>Your answer is honest and open, what more can he want? Semms liek truth is a huge problem for most of our spouses.
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