I doubt if anyone can help with this but I need to post...<p>For those who haven't followed my story W (WS) is home after 5 month separation. She has been home since August and originally I thought we were working on getting back on track.<p>OM is out of the picture...we have been in MC since mid-September. <p>She told me earlier this week that even tho OM is not part of the equation she is stymied in our recovery and thinks maybe we need to separate again to allow her to work on getting past her issues.<p>We saw C separately last nite and bottom line to me from the C was that W seems to have left the marriage emotionally. C says that W loves me and that she respects me but that she is not on the same page regarding our marriage, and that at this point it appears that W is headed in the direction of moving out again. Maybe, moving on with her life.<p>W & I talked...very emotional for me...she says she can't regain the passion we had, she can't get back to the feelings she had when things for us were so good. And they were good--very good. <p>She says she considers leaving---not just leaving me, but leaving where we live and striking out on her own. Says she is 35 and feels like she has never accomplished anything and that she wants to try to move on up in the world and see how far she can go. (she has a great job/career and is well respected but apparantly it is not what she wants) <p>I have told her I don't understand how we can't do that together...that her ambition can be integrated into our marriage...<p>She just responds that she doesn't know. She can't get the feelings back she used to have. She says she has tried...(I don't think she has tried very hard, but that's another story).<p>Anyway....I missed her so much when we separated the last time and really struggled with her gone. I am not sure how I would handle another separation...and, for that matter, how I handle if she really wants to move on in her life wiothout me...<p>I am really struggling today...I really don't know what to do...I feel like I should just give up....I feel like I should just let go...<p>I have worked very hard for the past year and pretty much put the past behind me and wanted so badly to move forward with my W...now it seems all of that is crashing down and I really don't know what my next move is....this is just so sad it is beyond words.<p>
What I don't understand is W says she loves me, says I am still her best friend, says she cares for me, but says the passion and the feelings that I and our relationship were the most important things in the world just aren't there. <p>She says she is afraid of "giving in" now and finding a year or two down the road that she still harbors these feelings that she didn't follow her dream (my words but you get the jist of it).<p>I am so tired. Tired of working on this, tired of loving w/o much love in return, tired of living my life with the expectation that something good is going to happen to us and finding that nothing has or will. I am tired of being tired. <p>I am basically a nice guy with a good job/career, responsible, caring, thoughtful, generous, kind etc...I don't understand why or how this happened to us... <p>I don't expect anyone here has any answers but this is the toughest spot I have felt like I have been in since D-day...<p>Just a vent I s'pose... <p>Anyway...thanks for listening...<p>E

Elad,<p> I'm listening and heard every word loud and clear. My WS wife acted/acts the same way. She had big time obsession with finding/defining herself and her independence as an individual. In a way I can understand (not that I like it) how one could feel that way. After being married awhile, many times people start to loose site of their individual identity and only seem to focus on their identity as a couple or parents.
I look at that those feelings as a mid-life challenge. Whether it turns into a crisis or not really depends on what actions they take to resolve those feelings. New career, new home, further education, new hobby/club or volunteer work is how many emotionally mature adults approach the situation. The stories on these boards represent another common not-so-mature way to react.<p>IMHO these feelings seem to have a much heavier toll on women than men and seem to hit them in their early 30's. I feel our societies demands/expectations on women play a large roll in all this. Another common trait I have observed during the onset is toddlers or young children (2-5) at home. Guys on the other hand I think become afflicted in a similar way in their 40's but not for identity reasons. They seem to act more like they want to regain their youth.<p>Our wife's are about the same age and have about the same time line on EMA. So I hope you don&#8217;t feel like the Lone Ranger on this particular aspect. All the same stuff you described. Wish I had an answer, but near as I can tell it's just something they have to work out on their own. The million dollar question is how long can the other party wait BS before they just loose hope or feel that too much of our life has slipped away joyless for this to continue another day/week/month/year.<p>I do have a couple questions for you. Does your wife have a passive aggressive attitude towards the marriage/reconciliation? Did you have your kids at home when this started? If so what were there ages when the EMA started? Mine where 2 1/2 & 4 1/2.<p>
HI

HI<p>No kids here...<p>As far as my W's attitude toward reconciliation and marriage....I had hoped it would be aggressive, but it turned ouit to be passive...<p>I think she was waiting for the feelings to hit her again like they did before and that didn't happen.<p>Our MC. like many of th ebooks I have read, suggested that you have to work at the feelings..."fake it 'til you make it" is what our C called it.<p>My W says she couldn't even msuter enogh to do that...<p>I feel doomed and I feel like our M is doomed and that is the last thing I want...<p>E

Hi Elad - I validate your feelings of despair. The only comfort I can offer is a claim that you have no where to go but up.<p>I think you got a terrific reply from Hi Infidelity and I agree with what your C has said - the feelings don't just come back. There is no such thing as "natural" love - you have to work at it.<p>My thoughts are with you and I believe you're strong enough to make it regardless of the near or long term outcome.

WAT<p>
You gave me the first smile of the day when you said I have no where to go but up [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sad but true, I s'pose...<p>Thanks<p>E

How sure are you that the affair is really over? Was there a no contact letter? How long was the EA/PA? The Harley's say if an A lasts 6 months, that the possibility of your WS being depressed (what is the word I'm looking for), can match the length of the A. Harley's say that the WS emotions won't return until they are truly over the OP. What's the timeline?<p>Hang in there, we all have been where you are at.

Yeah--H2y...I am pretty certain the A is over...near as I can tell it lasted from last Oct - June/July so I would make that about 10 months...<p>W has been home since august...4 full months...<p>I s'pose it's possible she is still somewhat fogged...who knows?<p>I just know for a BS this doesn't get any easier....no sireee...not any easier 't'all..

My goodness, I'll just chime in here to reaffirm once again that you aren't alone. My situation is very similar. WW is struggling / confused - and she's in quicksand and sinking!<p>The comment about withdrawal length being related to A length - very interesting. Seems to make a case for again, not letting things go too far. Plan A hard but short, maybe.<p>I can only speak for myself - call me "speedy", but it's been 3 months since d-day, and I'm already becoming disillusioned enough to think about life without her. That hurts, that 13 years of life can be condensed into one moment where we, the BS, are forced to say, "it IS over". How unfair.<p>Again, for me, I see Plan B's value so much today - to protect my remaining feelings for her. I'm not saying that it's right for you, but I know if and when my WW leaves, I will automatically slide into Plan B - her act of leaving will be enough to pretty much bankrupt my love bank for her.<p>So if it is something you do end up doing, maybe her time "alone" in Plan B will give her some time to realize what she's losing. A question: how does she feel about having children? My W hurts me so much recently, talking about having kids with OM - that's something we were getting so very close to doing ourselves. Sigh. If she spends some time alone as a "single person" essentially, she might realize it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Hi, <p>Not sure if this is a 'guys' only thread but here is my 2 cents. My H said he was waiting for something/feelings also. I said why? You didn't wait when you fell in love with me or went after the OW. <p>H agreed. See in this return/recovery stuff, the anticipation is with the BS and not the WS. The WS at this point may be too pooped to pop. They don't want to do anything. They would if they could dump all their recovery on the BS. Why not? The tries to 'plan A' and make it easy for the WS to come home. Or so they think. <p>To this day, my H is under the impression that I begged him to come back. I did not!!! In fact I sent him the other way but in his mind, I begged him to return. I told him as I said he, he could come back if he was willing to give and show value to this family. Otherwise he could stay out there and rot for all I care. Yet he came back. Yes, I wanted a settlement. Equate love to money if that is even possible. H said we were worth a million bucks/priceless even. I said ok, I will settle for 1 million. He said he couldn't do that. I said ok, 100K, he said too high, I said 86K...50K.... bottom line is that he thought if he could give me the 'thought' that he wanted to give me a million bucks it would suffice...... hmmmph.... nope. Love is real and so is money. <p>Ahhh... finally settled in. H really really did not want to 'sell' his family down the river. He did want his family back. Now he had to work to come back. Whether he realizes it or not, he has been working to come back because I am not working as hard. <p>See, no waiting in the middle of the road. Life goes on and so does the BS and family. That WS waiting for a feeling will be left farther and farther behind. What they need to do is put on their track shoes and start training to get up to speed. Little baby steps first then bigger ones. <p>Don't let any WS give you any bs about waiting for a feeling. That is a bunch of crap!!! In their minds it makes sense but then again so does a lot of other nonsense. <p>JMHO,
L.

Elad,
I've tried to reply to your post twice and gotten kicked offline...here goes.<p>While she is still in the house use the opportunity to Plan A.<p>If she is going to leave...you can't make her stay. I know about our 4 separation I was contemplating a basement dungeon for my H, complete with chains & subliminal MB messages piped-in. But realized that would be *wrong* [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>If she leaves, you can continue Plan A at that point, or B, or Plan Divorce. You don't have to decide now, you can wait to see what you feel capable of, or even wait some days, a couple weeks before actually settling on a plan of action. <p>I'm not in favor of separations, but sometimes it decreases the household tension...and certainly living with a waffler is a huge energy drain--as you say, you are tired. My H always stayed in touch & came over a lot, and it was almost easier to not LB while separated because I could do it for just a couple hours, rather than late afternoon into evening through morning.<p>It sounds like for whatever reason, your W is blaming you for her lack of happiness. On her own she has only herself to blame for her dissatisfaction--you can chase the wind, but you still have nothing as you catch it.

Hi Elad. I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. <p>I think plan B is the worst thing you could possibly do. Your W is majorly depressed, she hates herself, her life, and feels like a complete loser.<p>To go to plan B now, with the way she feels about you, how special you are to her - would be to pour salt in her open wounds.<p>Is it fair? No, it's not, it all sucks. You don't deserve any of this, not one little bit!!<p>But either your there for your wife or your not. It's your choice. If you're going to be there for her, then you need to take a step back and think about her as an individual right now.<p>SHE CANNOT WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. She is not capable of it right now. You need to accept this or it will continue to bring you down.<p>So what can you do? You can work on accepting the fact that your wife has her issues that she still needs to work out. Even though you are ready to go on and work on the marriage - she isn't. With that said, you must plan A ourself and get on with your life without relying on her or expecting much from her.<p>I think it's good to remind her that you are here for you, you're behind her, and you will do whatever you can to help her. Suggest that the two of you start to date again exclusively.<p>If she wants to move far away. Oh, Elad, I don't know what to tell you then. I'm sorry, I hope she doesn't make that choice.<p>It sounds like you are doing everything you can and then some. If she leaves, Elad, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Okay? You did it all, no one could have done better in your situation. You are the man!!<p>Maybe you can ask her to give it another 6 months, with counseling. You'll give her tons of space, let her become the individual she wants, and if at the end of that time, she still feels as though she needs to be on her own w/o you, then you'll accept it and move on.<p>Your reasoning could be what others had suggested (being depressed for the length of the A), the EN questionnaires and how they can make a huge difference, site examples from this site about people that felt the same way she did.<p>Then just plan A.<p>I hope it works. I am so sorry for your pain Elad. It is not YOU, it's not. It is her, please remember that.<p>HbH

Orchid, Lor, HbH<p>Thanks so much for your kind words...<p>I am considering all options but the bottom line is that I love my W and I WILL be there for her as long as SHE wants....<p>If she decides to leave...I know I can't stop her, but I am hoping that between now and then she realizes that she still wants me.... <p>We are headed out of town together for the weekend to do some X-mas shopping...We'll see how that goes...<p>I am trying to take care of myself, too...<p>Thanks again for your kindness...<p>
Take care, <p>E