Hello,<p>This is the first time I have posted but I'm well aquainted with this site. If there's anyone who would be so kind and perhaps share some experiences and advice that I wouldn't get just reading the articles here I would be very grateful.<p>My wife and I are about on the verge of throwing in the towel despite the fact that we just moved back in together after six months of separation. I had had an affair which broke us up, which continued throughout most of our separation. Once I realized it had been a mistake I ended the romantic involvement but kept up some intermitent letter writing with my former lover. Now that has ceased also and we are not in any contact. <p>The repeated deceptions and disappointments have led my wife to a point at which she simply cannot trust me anymore. She considers me a fundamentally untrustworthy person and looks for signs of betrayal in what I do or say. And I can't seem to say much that reassures her, though I am trying. Nor can I blame her: I'm not sure that it's ever really possible to reestablish trust after something like this--it went on for over a year with repeated false endings. I'm also perfectly aware of how badly it's damaged my integrity, so I don't have an argument with her taking the position she has taken, though she interprets that as a negative sign too. Internally it's just that I feel whipped, having been the one to do the whipping.<p>All of this is torture to us both, especially to her. Making the marriage work would in some ways perhaps redeem me--I don't mean that literally--but it seems only to make her miserable. Is there really anywhere to go from here but to divorce court? I'm asking that knowing that it would be me who would have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, and in the face of our two children also, but also knowing that it would finally set her free of this misery. I am pretty sure that if I suggested we take a divorce she would agree. She wants this to end, and in spite of the ending of the affair there's no end in sight.<p>Before anyone responds, please try to take it in that in our case the trust really seems to be dead and gone. Can that be an illusion?

Futuretense,<p>Both of you can rebuild your marriage and it can be stronger than it was before. Believe me, it can happen and it can be done. Is it an easy road? No it isn't. But don't give up, don't throw in the towel. Walking away is easy, making it work will take courage. <p>You didn't support your marriage or your wife by having an affair but you can heal the wounds. It's your decision to help her rebuild the trust in you, it's not a decision your wife can make. Don't just look to your wife for an answer. It has to come from you too.<p>My suggestion would be to seek professional counselling because your wife has to confront her own anger and fears. If she can let go of these feelings towards you (something I can imagine is very close to hatred) then she will be ready to work with you in the healing process. But you owe her the chance to deal with her pain. Walking away will not free her from her misery. It'll probably make it worse.<p>In the meantime, develop yourself a strong Plan A because you have to start changing and growing. You have to look at your behaviour which led to you having an affair and you have to work on this. You have to show your wife that you are committed to her and that you are making efforts to make yourself easier to love.<p>Take care futuretense, and welcome to MB [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Freddy ]</p>

I second what Freddy said about MC, but I'll go one little step further. Don't see just ANY marriage counselor, you MUST see one that prescribes to the MB principles (if not Steve or Jennifer themselves). Any other MC (IMHO) will do more harm than good to your marriage..... Most counselors are just ill-equipped to handle the difficulties in marital problems.<p>Second, reassure your W often. Own up to your mistakes (all of them). Tell her it was the biggest mistake of your life (of course don't lie to her if you don't feel this way, but you SHOULD). <p>Be consistent with her. Show her that she can trust you in EVERY way. If you say you're going to be home at 5pm, BE THERE (maybe even early). It's not just about trusting you to not see OW, it's about trusting you in EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE (LIVES). Be consistent with EVERYONE. If your W can see that you're trustworthy when dealing with other people, it'll be easier for HER to trust you.<p>Good luck, and God bless.
Kev

Thanks for your words. I'd like to know how you all mustered the energy and the commitment to go for it with your spouses in the context of what at least for some of you must have been a lot of ambivalence. I find myself holding back emotionally in some way because I am indeed ambivalent. Not over the OW, that was just disastrous. But faced with my wife and all this history and the previous history before the affair I feel, sometimes, lackluster in my commitment. I want to stay in not least and often mainly for our children, but that makes it hard to be convincing, even to myself.