Here I go again, another spiral down the rollercoaster.<p>My WH has a sales meeting he has to travel for in a week. I knew that she would be there, the whole company is going. I was trying hard to deal with that. But...there is always a but is'nt there. A group is going on Fri instead of the following Sun because they have use of a ski cabin. I was not sure until last night but my H is going. He has never ski'd in his life. She is going too. <p>I asked him if he thought that I would'nt care. He said he just did'nt think. Of course he had to know I would be upset. I did not really talk about it past that last night. <p>But I could'nt sleep. This morning after his alarm went off, before our son woke up, I went to his room and explained in a very quiet way that his decision to go on this trip showed his complete lack of respect for me and total disregard of my feelings. That the weekend was not a requirement of the job. He had promised me before that he would keep himself out of social situations with her, and that this was just a party weekend, where he would be with his X(?)misstress. I told him that I had sucked up alot when he went off to work everyday with her, that I did not think I could suck this up. I told him that I was feeling hallow inside and I did not now who I would be when he gets home from this trip.<p>Just before he left for work he again told me he really had not thought about it when he made his plans.(I just can't believe that) I told him that I was finally understanding that I mean absolutly nothing to him. That I do not figure into his decision making process at all. That I am nothing in his eyes. I then asked him if he still wore his wedding ring, he said yes and showed it to me. I asked him to take it off. That between the two of us we had broken every vow we made and that the ring was a worthless lie. I told him that I had broken my vow to always love and cherish and he had broken forsaking all others, so there really was no point.<p>I told him I could not blame him for dreading coming home every night, that I wished I had somewhere or someone to run to.<p>Then he left. He still had his ring on. I am sure tonight is going to be unpleasant as well.<p>I am just a Plan A Failure...just a failure.

needing<p>
I don't think you fail if you are honest and reasonable with your spouse. What you told him WAS honest and what you have asked him WAS reasonable...<p>He is either incredibly thoughtless, or, well I suppose there is a lot of "or"<p>It seems like a bad day for several of us here. I feel like a failure too as my W gets ready to bolt a second time within a year...<p>I am trying to hang on and see what happend next and you need to do the same. <p>Boy, I know it's not easy...but it is something we all need to do.<p>You are being honest and fair...please don't let everything get you down...<p>take care...<p>E

Your WH is home, but for what reason?<p>Is he home to work on your marriage? Or is he home becaue you found out about the A.<p>Have you and him sat down and written the (x)OW the no contact letter?<p>Have you and your H discussed job reassignment, relocation? Drastic times cause for drastic measures sometimes.<p>Is there a POJA?<p>Why the seperate sleeping area's?<p>Can you go on the trip with him?<p>Don't worry about your attempts at Plan A, we all faulter, many many times. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Stay focused, take a breather, and relax. <p>((((((needing))))))

needing, what do BS almost always say post d-day? "He/she never told me how unhappy he/she was! I thought he/she was happy!" (I said it myself.) Comfort yourself with the thought that you aren't playing that game with your husband. He knows where he stands, which he should.<p>If it's any comfort, my response to something like this is "What, are you crazy???? You absolutely will not spend the night in a cabin with her, or I am walking out this minute!! You must be the most thoughtless husband in the world!! Haven't you paid any attention to all to the things I told you since d-day!!!......" Blah, blah, blah, with screaming and crying!!<p>Awful, isn't it? Gak, even I didn't realize what a shrew this sounds like! See how reasonable you are?<p>Rose Red

My Wh is home because we are supposed to be taking a 2 month period to try and get to know each other a little bit again before deciding on our M.<p>There is no agreement for no contact. As a matter of fact, there is tons of contact. <p>My H wont even consider giving up his job. I thought I could handle this, but I am starting to wonder.<p>There is no POJA. Sleep seperatly because he is more comfortable that way. No I cant go on the trip.<p>We are in limbo land. The only reason I can even try to believe him that the PA is over is that he would lose his job if anyone found out. His job is all important to him. He is just praying she does not blow the whistle.<p>We are not in reconciliatio. My H can't decide if he even wanrs to try.

Needing, I think you are doing very well. You are not a failure. It is great that you were able to tell your H calmly and honestly that you expect him to keep the promises he has made to you. Even though you still don't have a committment from him regarding your marriage, he did promise to avoid seeing OW in social situations, so you clearly have a right to call him on that. You can only suck up so much before you start feeling worse. You picked a suitable issue to bring up. I think that is good Plan A'ing.<p>Let us know how things go tonight.

The heartless bast*rd!!! OOHHH!!!<p>This brings me back to April when my H was waffling at home between OW and I. He would straight out tell me he was going to see her, and there was nothing I could do about it except LB!!!<p>I really feel for you needing. Your H is being a jerk and a half. You handled this situation aweseom!!! Yes, you LB'd a little, but MY GOD, this guy is going on a trip with OW and some colleagues just shows a complete lack of respect to you.<p>You did good. Now, if you can someone manage to keep it together tonight. We'll see. I don't think I could, but I wish you well.<p>Hey, if things turn out horrible, you can always blow the whistle on your H at work. NOT THAT YOU'D stoop to that level. But it's nice to know, you could really screw him over - if you wanted to, isn't it?<p>I have no advice for you. Your H is being a typical thoughtless WS right in front of your face. You either suck it up, plan A, and take it, or you move to plan B. It is your choice.<p>So what happened tonight?????<p>HbH

Hi Guys,<p>Well nothing happened last night. I was very quiet when he got home. Decided to wait and see if he brought it up. He did'nt. We watched a movie and then it was bed time. Our son had gotten up and wanted to sleep with me, so I had him tucked into my bed already, when I went in there he just looked so cute I went to H and said, wanna see something cute, he came into the room and just smiled. We made a couple of comments about how adorable he was. Then I said, well good night and walked over and kissed my H on the cheek. He actually returned the kiss, although I am sure it was just a reflex. I felt really good about this when I went to bed.<p>So this morning, while he was getting ready for work, I went to him and said, you know I meant everything I said yesterday morning, including the part about our wedding rings. He said I know.
A few minutes later he came into the kitchen and asked me if I had stopped wearing mine. I said yes, that I did not see the point anymore. He said that that was funny, he thought he was the one who was'nt supposed to see the point. the rest of the conversation went like this.<p>Me: Well a person only needs to have so many bricks thrown at them before thet get the point. With this weekend thing, I finally get the point.<p>H: There will always be a brick wont there.<p>Me: You don't think this is a pretty big brick.<p>H: No, I actually understand why your upset about this, I really do.<p>Me: Well I am glad you understand, but your still going so it does'nt do me much good.<p>H: So you want me to cancel?<p>Me: Yes, of course I want you to cancel. Does that surprise you?<p>H: (Bitterly) no, it doesn't, there will always be something wont there.<p>Well by then he needed to leave for work and take our S to school. I also did not want to have to much of a conversation in front of son. So he left.<p>So I just sent him an e-mail at work. I wish I knew how to copy it here. The basics of it were that I thought it was completly unfair that he goes around saying that I am going to hold the A over his head the rest of his life, that I have been trying very hard to show him that I do not want to do that. That I want to get to a point were we never have to talk about it again, but that would not be easy or quick.<p>I said that the one promise he made me was that he would not be in socail situations with her but that he had already been to a happy hour and she was there. That for all I know they have had lunches together and private conversations at the office, that I just don't know. But that I try very hard to believe him and to believe in him. I told him that this trip was just to much, I could not handle sitting at home knowing that they are sleeping under the same roof and partying together. That my mind would wonder to much, he does not ski, how easy would it be for her to say I don't feel real well today, I'm not going to ski, and bingo they are alone for the day.<p>I also said that even if he did not love me, I thought he had enough respect for me to know that this decision would upset and anger me, and that out of respect he would not do this. I said that the only reason I could see for him going on the trip was that he wanted to be alone with her. I also said that he had also promised me that he would tell me this time before anything happened between them again and that no matter how much he thought it would hurt me to hear this, it would kill me to find out he was lying to me again.<p>The last thing I said was that I wanted to know what he thought about the comments I made about our rings. I told him that I would wear mine again for now, but I did not know for how long.<p>That's it. Sorry this turned out so long. I do have one question for anyone out there, What do I say to comments about my holding the A over his head forever. I do not want to do that. I have tried to tell him that, but he thinks I will. It seems to me to be typical WS justification for not working on the M.<p>Thanks for being there for me. All of you really are a huge help and a calming influence on me.<p>Needing

Oh, by the way, I signed the e-mail with<p>I Still Love You.

Tell him the only way for him to know that you won't hold the A over his head is for you to show him over time. If you did this then you could never be happy again because you would always have this unresolved conflict that was eating away at you. YOU wouldn't hold it over his head because it would be hurting YOU, not just him.<p>I think you did okay. A little bit too much of a guilt trip, but not too bad. Try to use more "I statements" next time and not be as confrontational.<p>I know it is tough. Do NOT, hear me, do NOT go to plan B immediately after he goes on this trip. I say this because it is what I would have done and it would be WRONG, wrong, wrong!!! You'd be re-acting and doing it to get back at him.<p>If you're thinking it - wait at least a week before you decide for sure.<p>An alternative would be for you to agree to the trip (he's going anyway, right?), BUT, set very clear boundaries about how you would like him to call you, here him say he loves you in front of her, that you want to be able to call at any time, that you want someone else with them to know what's going on and report to you.<p>I don't know, I know those are kinda stupid suggestions, but you get my idea. He's going anyway, so turn it around and ask him how HE is going to prove to you that nothing is happening. And you want some pretty significant proof!! What's he going to do for you?<p>POJA.<p>Let us know.
HbH

HbH,<p>Thanks for the reply. I like your suggestions. However, no one there should have any idea of what happened. Having anyone he works with know is one of his BIGGEST fears.<p>I am still hoping and praying that he will cancel. If he does not I will try and sit down with him to calmly discuss ways he can make me feel more comfortable and reassured while he is gone. As one of my friends pointed out, I want to make sure and not make him feel like he is "checking in" like a child, but to understand what I need to feel some level of comfort about this. Not that I think ANYTHING can make me feel comfortable.

Well, here is my H's response to my e-mail.<p>I know that it is no excuse but I just don't think. You can take that to mean what you wish, its not a copout, its the truth. Your perspective was not one that I had anticipated. Does that mean that I don't care about your feelings? I guess that I owe it to you to figure out the answer to that!<p>I never thought of this trip in that way. (Friend)and I are talking about trying to rent snowmobiles since I don't ski and i am not enthusiastic about taking a ski lesson on my own.<p>Have a good day. We can talk later.<p>
So my feelings about this is that, obviously, no he does not care about my feelings. Actions speak louder than words right? And he admits right here that he did not think of me at all when he made this decision.

yep. Actions speak louder than words.<p>PLEASE tell me that (friend) is not OW!! If it is - OH MY - he is just digging that hole deeper and deeper...<p>Okay, so when you talk again, say "now that you do know how I feel and you are taking my feelings into account, what are you going to do about it? I can understand your reasoning before, but what is your excuse now that you know?"<p>he he. Seems like he'll try to weasle his way out of whatever you say though...<p>What a jerk. Sorry. Your H really infuriated me for some reason.<p>HbH

HbH<p>He really infuriated me too. No, the friend is not her. Is a guy I know very well.<p>I will try and talk to him tonight. Who knows what will happen now.<p>Thanks for the input.<p>Needing