Originally posted by OneDay in recovery:<p>
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002839.html<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Here are some of the things I have learned in the seven and a half months since d-day. I have also come to realize that while many of these reflections seem intuitive and the "veterans" repeat them time and time again, living this roller-coaster has helped me to understand their significance.
Generally,
1. This is truly the worst thing that has happened in my life;
2. But I will survive it;
3. H's A was his choice, his mistake, his responsibility to accept;
4. No matter how unhappy he felt at the time, there is no justification for this choice;
5. That said, he is human and he is fallible;
6. And I love him, in spite of this;<p>Taking Responsibility
7. Both of us contributed to the state of the M before the A;
8. And each of us needs to accept this and commit to making our M better, by fulfilling each others ENs and by avoiding LBs;<p>Getting Help
9. A good MC early on in recovery is invaluable;
10. The BS should consider anti-depressants if a reactive depression sets in; it is a really long road and meds can help the BS to weather the rocky journey<p>The MB Principles
11. Plan A works;
12. But Plan A is exhausting and it is very hard on the BS' self-esteem;
13. Living the Rules of Recovery works;<p>Withdrawal
14. The WS' withdrawal lasts longer than the BS expects, sometimes longer than the BS thinks he/she can endure;
15. Withdrawal lasts longer when there is any kind of contact, no matter how infrequent or the reason for continued contact;<p>No Contact
16. A good "no contact" letter is so important (follow the Harley model!) and it may need to be repeated;
17. The MB principle of absolutely no contact is the best way to go, but that is not the reality of many of our situations;
18. If there is continued contact, the WS should disclose it as soon as it happens; the BS should create a safe environment for these disclosures;<p>Rebuilding
19. The BS starts first and often does it alone for some period of time;
20. BSs - Plan A with all your heart and soul! Be the best person you can be and the spouse that no one would want to leave;
21. The MB questionnaires are a great place to find some hints for where to start and what to work on;
22. Invite the WS' participation, both in doing him/herself and suggesting things for BS to do;
23. Positively reinforce all attempts by the WS, no matter how small;
24. The WS needs to feel much more positive about the M before actively participating; so the BS' motto should be plan A;
25. The BS needs reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance (in words and conduct);
26. Think of rebuilding as a service to your relationship, not as something you do for your spouse or even for yourself; put your M first;
27. Live the M you want to have (a.k.a. living "as if");
28. Keep a personal journal;
29. Be consistent!
30. Be patient!
31. Be positive!<p>When you Just Can't go on
32. Take a break from rebuilding, but do not withdraw;
33. Think of your children;
34. Do not make any decisions!
35. Do not ask yourself existential questions!
36. When you have regrouped, ask yourself if you have tried everything; resolve to try everything and to do those things you have tried a little better;
37. Indulge in a good vent, preferably not towards the WS; vent here, vent in your journal, vent to a close and trusted friend/minister/pastor;
38. Sleep on it;<p>Recovery
39. Is a process; it is not an end or a place;
40. Takes time, lots and lots of time;
41. Requires both spouses to heal, in their own way;
42. Was my choice;
43. Was my spouse's choice;
44. Is what I am committed to;
45. Is what I am living.<p>------------------
Never give up. Never, never give up.
~ Winston Churchill<p>[This message has been edited by OneDay (edited April 19, 2001).]<p><hr></blockquote>
