Must be the moon or something last night.<p>The same thing has happened to me. We've been working on it for 8 months. She came within a hairs width of leaving in mid-August. Last night she says she needs to talk. I brace myself. She asks me about knowing when it's over. She desparately wanted to leave. No love for me. No feelings. Doesn't like to kiss me. Said she didn't even like me. Beleive me, the 8 months that we have been together, there have been some truly good times. Father's day comes to mind when she went on the route I take to get home and put signs up along the way for me to read. "Hurry up and get home" "We love you".<p>Now she says she doesn't like telling me that she loves me. I'm smothering her. Doesn't know if she beleives in God anymore.<p>I am majorly low. I love her soooo much, but now I can't even tell her that. Since mid-August we have prayed every night together (missed two nights). She thanked God for me every time. Last night she didn't. She cried alot last night.<p>She's not leaving just yet. I've talked her out of it for now. But in the back of her mind, I know she wants to be through with this. She has many emotional issues. The biggest is the way her father has treated and is treating her. He was a runner. He ran away from his problems. I won't run from her and I think she dispises me for it. Seems unconditional love is hard for her to swollow.<p>It REALLY hurts when saying I love you is a love buster.<p>We have a Family Life conference this weekend that we planned months ago. I know she's not much into it.<p>This really sucks.

Hi,
I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.<p>I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting.

I think it was an evil moon. I fought with my H, everything is ok, but we haven't taken a dive like that for awhile. Talked to a happily married friend and she & her H also fought over something stupid.<p>Fresh start each day. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

notheard - great list! I've seen similar stuff out there too. Seems manipulative to some, but is it really? I don't think so - it's all within MY OWN CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE - we're not forcing WS to do ANYTHING - human nature is human nature, and people respond to these kinds of things because they're human - AND WE'RE BETTER PEOPLE FOR ACTING THESE WAYS ANYHOW! (Sorry for shouting, but I'm passionate about this [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>And for the record, last night was bad for WS and I too.... so was this AM.... see what the evening brings!

notheard:<p>I find the list you posted rather compelling. I couldn't locate it on the Divorce Busters link you provided. Is this list designed to be implemented under certain circumstances (i.e., when there is an ongoing A)? Or is it applicable to any spouse who is questioning remaining in M?<p>Is it more of a Plan B strategy or can it be used as part of Plan A? Does it even mesh with Plan A? Thanks.

It is in one of the Forums on Divorce Busters. <p>I call it emotional divorce. <p>But it is more like a sanity check in that it says I can be happy with or without husband. My happiness does not depend on my huband (his actions or attitudes). <p>I think it can be implemented in Plan A or Plan B.