Dear All,
I need help. My H and I are separating now with D looming close behind it. We are selling our house, moving to 2 separate apartments, essentially my H has chosen not to try to save the M. I grudgingly made this decision with my H on 11/7. I know that my H is incapable or unwilling to see what his A has done to me, my self-esteem, my trust, all of it. He doesn't understand that just because his A was over (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, how will I EVER know), that I should be past it. Also, he thinks that since we're separating (for good this time, he says), I should not have to worry about trusting him, loving him, how he doesn't care about me, etc.<p>My C agrees about my letting go of worrying about trusting him. For instance, since the last "no contact" letter, my H would call me in the a.m.'s when he got to work (he used to stop by OW's house before work). He'd also call me at lunchtime, as they used to get together for a quickie at lunch as well. Well, I agreed to let him stop making the phone calls. I know I need to find a way to let go of him, but I still have deep feelings for him. He's just cordial to me and that's it. It's gotten harder, because I had agreed to let him stay in our house to have as much full-time with the kids as he could before we go our separate ways. It's hard because despite the fact that I know he no longer cares, I miss the affection, great talks, SF, all of it.<p>How do I emotionally disengage while he's still living there, talking on the phone to his mom and sister and laughing it up, as if he's happy as a clam about the end of our 17 years together?<p>Last night I made a big mistake and tried to talk to him about my anger over the fact that I'm still hurting so deeply over the affair, and that he's chosen to just "turn the page" on it as if it never happened, and he's moving on while I'm still in DEEP pain.<p>He got really mad, asked me HOW MANY TIMES I WAS GOING TO PUT THE BLAME totally on him. How many times I was going to tell him that he didn't care about me, etc. Anyway, the gist of it is he asked me NEVER to talk about it again.<p>I know this will be easier once we're not living in the same house, but does anyone have a way for me to turn it off so that I don't end up HATING him by the end of January?<p>Any help would be greatly appreciated.<p>MOM

MOM,<p> There is no way to turn it off. I wish it were that easy. And don't think that by him moving to another house it will be any easier either. At least it hasn't been so for me. If anything it has been harder.<p> Just try to get out and enjoy whatever time you can for yourself, to yourself. That helps a little.<p> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p> jd

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>{{{jdmac}}}
There, I hugged you back. Thanks for your reply to my post. I know how hard it is to keep trying. I can't anymore, either, since H won't really let me. Are you still living with your W? Sorry, I can't keep everyone's stories right (I am 40, you know!). Anyway, not much to offer other than prayers for you to be at peace with whatever your decision turns out to be.
Take care,
MOM<hr></blockquote><p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p> Mine was bigger tho [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> No, I have been seperated for a couple of months now. That is why I said it wouldn't necessarily be any easier. It sure hasn't been for me. <p> For the last 9 or 10 months my Wife has given me just enough hope to keep trying. Crying when I am ready to move away from town and her. Begging me not to go to Plan B when I gave the letter. Promising everything will work out if I only keep trying and give her time etc, etc.<p> Well, I just get sick of it all. I have worked so hard at making ALL the changes to myself that she told me about. It never seems to be enough for any sort of recovery to take place. She just keeps stringing me along. <p> Yes I did give her the Plan B letter and she did beg me to stay. I really had no choice as my Daughter was in the hospital for almost a week. Couldn't leave under those conditions. D was released yesterday, so I should move directly into Plan B now. But, There was this little hope left that she truly meant she would give our M 100% effort. Right.....<p> Found out last night that she is involved with yet another OM. She blew up at me for wanting to leave. Seems she had plans for this weekend and needed me to be here with the kids. <p> Quite frankly I am probably going to stay here and check into filing Divorce ASAP. I really wish I could get past this co-dependency problem I must have. I actually think I hate her, but at the same time cannot picture myself without her, ya know?<p> Sorry for the ramble. Just really kind of despise myself right now. Despise that I cannot make a decision and stick to it. <p> jd

MoM,<p>I don't know if you can get your WH to read anything...but these links might be helpful it making him understand why you can't get over it.<p>www.suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633<p>www.suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/13553<p>The links above were even helpful to myself.....it made ME understand why I couldn't let go of the thought surrounding the A.<p>Take care,
Heather

MOM,<p>there is a way that you can deal with your anger and let go. I've been reading Gary Smalley 'Making Love Last Forever' - which I can recommend - and he discusses exactly this problem. By about page 11 I was in tears because he was describing something which I've been fighting my whole life.<p>Anyways, he outlines a plan for dealing with anger which runs along these lines:<p>1 define the offense
2 allow yourself to grieve
3 try to understand your offender
4 release your offender
5 look for pearls in the offense
6 put your feelings in writing
7 'reach out' to your offender<p>You have to work at releasing the feelings and moving on. And this approach seems to work. I've been able to put it into practice this week because the OM - who is a 'friend' in our social circle - dropped by for the first time in over 4 months. Step 7 is definitely the hardest because a couple of weeks ago I wanted to knock his head off. But working on this approach I didn't. Instead I reached out, shook his hand, was polite but not over friendly and left. I've forgiven him and released him - I'm no longer angry at him. And you know what - I really feel like I've moved on. As this has been a chapter in my life from which I've grown as a person.<p>Don't let yourself get bitter MOM - focus on being better [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>take care of you <<<<<<<<< hugs >>>>>>>>><p>- Freddy

Hi MOM. I wish I had the answers you seek, but I just wanted to give you a great big hug.<p><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<MOM>>>>>>>>>>>>><p>It will get easier with time, just keep telling yourself that. Vent here, write out your feelings, and try to emerse yourself in something that you enjoy.<p>HbH

Thanks everyone, the responses help.
Freddy,
I have read many of Gary Smalley's books, and have been very enlightened by them. He's a wonderful Christian author. I do need to learn how to be more Christlike and forgive, even though my H neither asked for forgiveness, nor cares whether I give it or not. I know that forgiveness is more for the one doing the forgiving. It's hard for me to think about reading a book called "Making Love Last Forever" when there's no love left on my H's part. I know I should read it though, because I need to grow and change from this experience if I'm ever to have a healthy, loving relationship in my future.<p>HBH,
Thanks for the hugs. I really appreciate them.<p>Ms. Pris,
Will go and look at the sites you posted. Thanks!

I posted this on someone elses thread yesterday. I think it applies here too. Have you read "Tough Love" by James Dobson"?<p>-------------------------------------------------
I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.<p>I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting.

Hey MOM---<p>ya gotta find the peace within...<p>I have a HUGE list of books that have helped me...but the biggest help is looking to God and my journey to find out what God wants me to learn from this crisis... "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson helped me with this.<p>Take time for yourself...<p>...the hardest thing is to stop the 'talks.' They just don't help when our H's are still within Fog...<p>...the book that has helped me look at situations in a different light and even 'talk' about them differently is "How One of You Can Keep the Two of You Together" by Susan Page...<p>...but I want to emphasize that YOU do what you can do for YOU...to get stronger!<p>Cali

Thanks Notheard,
I read Dobson's book early on in this mess, sent the "letting go" letter. You're posting things out for me again will help ME to move forward. Unfortunately, my hope is completely gone. My H may still be in the fog, but I'm more inclined to think he really doesn't care (hasn't shown care for most of our M). I really had high hopes that this crisis would be what we needed to get our M on the right track. Unfortunately, my H has run from anything hard his whole life. While he may change someday, I can't keep hoping that he will when he shows me such coldness. He really wants it to be over, but doesn't want to look like the bad guy (he never has). <p>Cali,
I appreciate your sprituality so much. You just don't know. The single most important thing that's happened to me throughout all of this is that I've developed a more personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! Still working on trusting him to take care of me, however. That's a real process for me. Giving it over to God without taking it right back! Also, I know that God loves me and is here for me, it's just so hard without actual, physical arms around me when I need comforting. I will definitely look for the Secrets of the Vine book you suggested, but as far as the other....I can no longer try to save my M alone.<p>Thanks again,
MOM

MOM as long as your WH is still in the house and you have to see him everyday, you will never begin to start to heal yourself. Seeing him everyday is like continually ripping a band off of a sore that is not completely healed. BS still hurt when they don't see their WS but it hurts less especially not having to see the WS carry on in their life like they don't have a care in the world as the BS sits in misery. If either one of you can't afford to leave the home financially, then when he is in a part of the house go to another part where H is out of sight and out of hearing range (so you won't have to listen to his pleasant phone calls). Stop bringing up the state or future of the marriage, this is obviously not what he is really or willing to hear or talk about. I think that your neediness is turning him away even more. You are focusing everything on him and it is mentally unhealthy for someone to put their total happiness on another person. Start taking care of YOU again. You had a life b4 WS, time to start finding it again.

Hi Mom,<p>Here's a []!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There is no easy answer on this one, no pill to take. But you need to know that this pain too shall pass. <p>Verbal communication is painful and full of anger. How about doing it in writing? E-mail, handwritten whatever. Let his reaction be his reaction. Prepare for the worst of reactions so the impact is lessened a bit. Then stick to the method of communication that is less painful. For me it was e-mails. <p>Don't spill all on the e-mail. Keep him guessing if you can. The more time he spends thinking about you, the more time his brain is working and he is not doing the A thing. OK?<p>You have a lot of advice and suggestions here. Mull it over in your mind. Take a breather. Spend time on you and the kids. I know you don't feel like much right now. Crying is ok, eventually your body will say stop. You do whatever you need (within reason) to reach a calm heart and a clear mind. <p>Take Care.....<p>Your MB friend,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Freddy:
<strong>MOM,<p>Anyways, he outlines a plan for dealing with anger which runs along these lines:<p>1 define the offense
2 allow yourself to grieve
3 try to understand your offender
4 release your offender
5 look for pearls in the offense
6 put your feelings in writing
7 'reach out' to your offender<p>- Freddy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MOM,<p>I think Freddy has the right idea. Even though I have not seen this before, it is basically the process I went through. <p>Maybe you are having a problem because you are afraid you think you have to quit loving him. You really don't. You can always love him and still move on. You can't make him love you like you need but it doesn't mean you have to loose that love for him. <p>I know it's hard to understand right now because you are at step #2 which is the toughest part emotionally and the toughest place to get out of. I think I am at step #5 and I will tell you it gets easier with time.<p>
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