I'm still struggling with the fact that the OW = my best friend of 10 years. The friendship was between myself, my spouse, my friend, and her spouse = all being friends. I need advice. How do I recover for the pain? Sometimes I feels wave of anger-rage toward this person. Other couples relationship has ended in divorce. My husband and I are trying to heal our relationship.<p>I have calmly talked to her since disclosure day.
My spouse, myself, and other woman attended same formal event. It was weird.<p>Can our friendship ever truly heal. Or is it a lost cause.

Just my opinion, but I think your focus should be completely on healing the M. I don't think I could ever be friends with OW, even if she was a close friend of yours. All the more reason that your H should have been OFF LIMITS to her. <p>MOM

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 1shadow:
<strong>
Can our friendship ever truly heal. Or is it a lost cause.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'd say forget it. Once again, with friends like that.... I won't even be friends with an OW whose MM and wife I've never met. No WAY I'd be friends with a friend who had an A with my H. I had a "friend" like that in high school and afew years after. It wasn't married men (only because we were too young to know many MM) but it was always guys with long term girlfriends. I watched her do it time and time again, it seemed to give her a thrill. Then she slept with my boyfriend. I dumped them both. I guess when you walk around carrying a viper in your pocket it's inevitable to get bitten eventually. Concentrate on your marriage and the 2 of you as a couple. Forget the OW.

OW+BS best friend, and you spoke with her calmly? Give yourself a bIG pat on the back, you are a very strong woman! As for the pain, I am still engulfed in it so I have no idea when it will subside... The friendship is obviously severed and except for the occational "event " that you might both attend, I would never want to have any contact, nor should your husband. My prayers to you as you rebuild your marraige, it is the right thing to try to do. Ladysing

1shadow-
I have read the advice you've been given, and usually here at MB, that is the usual advice. FOrget the OW. I don't disagree (is that waffly enough?)....However, here's another thought (from a WS an OW, no less).<p>Your first priority is to heal your marriage and forgive your H. Most BS are not motivated to forgive, care, or even think about the OW. I think that situation is easier, really. However, the OW committed the same crime as your H. She betrayed you and her marriage. IF you are willing to forgive your H for this transgression, are you willing or able to forgive her for the same sin? <p>Usually people at MB conclude there is not motivation to do so. In your case is this true? Is this relationship important enough to you to try to heal? You probably know in your heart that your H is not a bad person, but someone who did a terrible thing. This is the way people find their way toward forgiveness. Do you feel this way about the OW? <p>Just to emphasize, saving the friendship is not nearly important as saving the marriage. But since you seem to have some inkling of wanting to stay friends, I thought I'd toss you this idea.

I'm kinda with Clouds on this one...<p>BUT...I would still ditch the friendship...<p>Husbands and wives have taken vows before God...and are supposed to be until death do you part...friends have not.<p>With that...'our' OW was a working acquaintance...more than acquaintance really...but less than friend...we had socialized as a part of our jobs...had been to birthday parties...barbeques...etc. She played at being friendly and nice to me all the while seducing my H.<p>And I need to heal from her duplicity...so I will forgive her her sin and I will pray that God begins to work in her life...for her salvation and for peace to her two small children...because that is what God would want me to do...BUT I NEVER HAVE TO BE FRIENDLY TO HER...just cordial...business-like and resist my urge to rip her throat out.

Wait a minute, Clouds - get your head out of them.<p>You're confusing "friendship" with "forgiveness." Not the same.<p>To state the extreme, I have already forgiven my WS, but I cannot be her friend until she recommits to our marriage.<p>See the difference?

WAT-
I didn't expect people to agree, but actually, I don't think I am confusing forgiveness and friendship. I think forgiveness (like Tryingagain said) can be given without rekindling a friendship. If the fiendship with OW is VERY important to 1shadow, all I am saying is if you are willing to recommit to a marriage, and you had a very important friendship with someone, maybe it IS possible to rebuild it. Most people wouldn't get over the trust/hurt, etc. BUt if you can do it with a spouse, why not a friend? <p>Maybe I'm totally wrong, I'm really not trying to argue too hard about this.

Clouds, I understood you correctly the first time and we are in violent agreement. The friendship of 1shadow with the former OW MUST be important enough to her for her to ask us about it. And, yes, she may choose to forgive her just as she may choose to forgive her H.<p>But, this was NOT about forgiveness, it was about friendship.<p>Our advice to her was forget it, whether she chooses to forgive or not. IMHO, it's VERY risky to allow the former OW anywhere near 1shadow's H.
For the record, I have no intention to forgive, care, or even think about my W's OM, even though he was a former friend.