I'm still struggling with the fact that the OW = my best friend of 10 years. The friendship was between myself, my spouse, my friend, and her spouse = all being friends. I need advice. How do I recover for the pain? Sometimes I feels wave of anger-rage toward this person. Other couples relationship has ended in divorce. My husband and I are trying to heal our relationship.<p>I have calmly talked to her since disclosure day.
My spouse, myself, and other woman attended same formal event. It was weird.<p>Can our friendship ever truly heal. Or is it a lost cause.

My best friend was the OW in an emotional but not physical affair. It took me a year of bashing my head against the wall - symbolically - trying to get her out of the fog to realize what she had done. I have had zero contact with her since August, and if there is to be a friendship ever in the future, it will be on it's own merits, and only as long as I feel safe from her predatory style of friendship.

I'm in a similar situation, although not in recovery. Why would you WANT to be friends again? That would be a relapse waiting to happen.<p>Cut her loose, don't look back - especially since her marriage ended in divorce. You do not need a friend like this.

Dear 1st,
I'm a BS and what you went thru was exactly what I went thru. The OW was my best friend for over 10 years. And we were a couple's frienship, too, doing lots of activites together, watching our children grow up, etc. <p>My and my WS's priority is to heal our marriage. I still have moments of anger towards her. She is as much responsible for the A as my H (it takes two to Tango!) We cut all contact on DDay. I really do not care what takes place between OW and her H. As far as I know they are still married.<p>I do not need her in my life, as the saying goes, with friends like this, who needs enemies. As background, the A was a short one of 3 weeks in 5/00, but we continued to be friends with them for 1 1/2 years until OW told me in 8/01. During this time, my H and OW were at times "not nice to each other." I could tell that something was not right. So trying to remain friends in our case, did not and would not have worked.<p>IMHO, I'd discontinue the friendship. <p>LIP

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 1shadow:
<strong><p>Can our friendship ever truly heal. Or is it a lost cause.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think with a spouse you have somewhat of an obligation to try and work things out [debatable, of course]. However, that is not the case with a so-called "friend." You have no obligation, whatsoever, and I am puzzled as to why you would WANT to pursue a "friendship" with a person who has betrayed you in the worst possible way? She is not your friend.

I'm with the majority on here (and in your other identical post - gotta hate when servers give you troubles, huh? grin).<p>I'd forget about the OW and a friendship continuing with her. It's not worth the pain and aggrivation.<p>My H's OW#1 had been a good friend of mine for over 2 1/2 yrs prior to their A. Some friend, huh? She too, is married. Our kids played together, we'd go to her house for dinner with her and her H, etc.<p>As WAT suggested, don't allow the possibility for a relapse of the A. Your M is FAR MORE important.<p>There are a lot of issues that need to be worked on in your M.. the ones that created the environment that lead to the A in the first place. That takes a LOT of time. Your energies need to be focused on that. You can't afford to put energies into the OW who helped cause the pain you've sufferred.<p>Marriage first. If you and your H agree that there is available time and energy after that to work on the friendship, then so be it. But if I were you (and I can relate all too well).. I'd find a new couple to be friends with.<p>Karen

Dear 1shadow,<p>Hmmm... While reading your post, the problem that *I* struggled with is wondering how you could still view this person as a friend???????? Because obviously she has a different definition of what a friend is and what friends do!! <p>I agree wholeheartedly with MelodyLane that this person is not a true friend!<p>I think I have just figured out why I don't have a best friend who is female. I think I just figured out why I don't bring any of my "friends" over to hang out with my H and myself. I think I now realize that it will NEVER happen and why!?!!<p>YEARS ago, I got involved with a MM. I think because of my lack of respect for boundaries in my past, I tend not to trust women around MY man whatsoever. I don't care if they are married, divorced, and especially if they are single.<p>My friends and I get together separately, on our own time. I don't have girlfriends over hanging out in my kitchen, heck, rarely are girls are ever at my house when my husband is home.<p>Your post has just rang a bell inside of me explaining why. I don't trust women around my husband because of who *I* was in my past... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] and I never will.<p>Don't get me wrong, I love my friends--all of them--dearly. I am Ms.Loyal and I would do anything for a friend. I trust my husband--there has been no affair in our relationship. I trust myself now, that I can be a faithful wife--because through MB, I have learned how Emotional Affairs (EAs) start and how to prevent them! It's just that you can't trust the enemy and his way of bringing temptation to seemingly innocent situations.<p>My husband and I have a POJA where we don't even ride in cars with other people of the opposite sex--not unless each other is present. Sure, we do couple stuff, but very limited because of our schedules and being protective of our weekends, in general.<p>Still, I remember one time a "friend" from church telephoned our house at around 3am. I was at work--I work nightshift. She KNEW where I was. When my H answered the phone, she hung up in his face without speaking. She is single (divorced). I have never forgotten that incident. It was at that moment I knew that I was RIGHT not to have ever invited her over to visit and I knew she would NEVER EVER have an opportunity to be closer friends with me. <p>How did I know it was she who called? I dialed *69 in the a.m. when I got home after H told me someone hung up on him... Her answer machine picked up and I asked her how come she called and hung up on H. She later called and told me that she was embarrassed and whatever, but I still wondered if she really REALLY wanted to speak to me, why not apologize to H and then phone me at my work, but she didn't. She didn't count on being caught. <p>Now I don't know how you discovered your H's affair, but MY guess is that if you didn't discover the affair, it's quite possible that it would still be carrying on. I could be wrong, it's just a guess?<p>I say lose the loser. You can forgive with your door closed.