Okay. So, I'm not really mad, BUT, sometimes (well quite often actually), my H is just SO disrespectful.<p>He called me today like 6 times (that was nice). H is on his trip to WA if you recall with a bunch of this colleagues at school. On one of these calls he says he didn't get to bed until real late because he was watching a movie in his room. So, I ask how many people were there and he tells me <p>"Well, at first it was just me and FRIEND, but then a bunch of other people came in and finished watching it with us."<p>Now, FRIEND was a single woman. Someone I know who babysits our kids occassionally. <p>Now, am I crazy, or is this not disrespectful to me? I mean, why is he alone in a hotel room with one of the three single woman (out of 8 total) watching a movie? Doncha think he should be aware that this is inappropriate and either walk out of the room or find another guy to be with them?<p>Or am I being too anal? It's just like his phone call at midnight a couple of weeks ago that lasted 90 minutes with another single woman that liked him and asked him out on a date (different woman).<p>How do I bring this up? Whenever I do, he says I am trying to "pick" who he can and cannot be friends with and that he should be able to have female friends to hang out with.<p>Now I know these two instances are harmless. I feel no threat from either of these woman (and I'm pretty good at figuring these things out, I had both his EA's pegged long before he admitted to them).<p>But, it just bugs me that he is so disrespectful to me, especially after his affair. Does he not GET it?? Or am I just being too picky and the issue is really with me?<p>Thanks. This is just something eating away at me and I'm not sure how to bring it up without it turning in to a fight.<p>HbH

Prior to your H's history of affairs, I'd say you're all worked up about nothing. Now, however, it's a BIG LB on your H's part. In my mind it's VERY disrespectful of your feelings until you two are more secure in the recovery of your M (if ever, to be honest). Just my opinion.<p>MOM<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}

Can I go one further? Honestly, I don;t think the problem is with you...I think that unacceptable behavior. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if the shoe were on the other foot and you got calls at all hours from other men.<p>I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

HbH, you are most certainly NOT crazy and it is disrespectful towards you. It is totally inappropriate for a man on a business trip to be alone in his hotel room with another woman. Inappropriate under any circumstances, whether he has a history of affairs or not. It's just flat out wrong and stupid, and it's how many A's start. <p>Doesn't this come under one of the basic MB rules for a good M -- that neither partner allows themselves to get into any situation where an inappropriate emotional relationship could develop? That would include supposedly innocent situations like going out to lunch or coffee together. A hotel room, with a bed right there and handy, is hardly innocent.<p>As to bringing it up without starting a fight, that does need to be handled carefully. You could tell him that you appreciate his honesty in telling you about the situation, but that it makes you uncomfortable when he spends time alone in his hotel room with other women.<p>It is interesting that he sees it as an issue of who he can be friends with, and although you didn't say it explicitly, I think for you it is an issue of trust as well as respect. Do you think your H would still have had an A if having female friends wasn't so important and accessible to him?

HbH,
He doesn't have the right to hurt you, this hurt.<p>He lost any right to hang with single females with his affair--and alone in a hotel room in another city isn't exactly a danger free zone! His actions changed any leeway he had with female "friends" if it was ok before with you, it is not now.<p>This is a natural consequence of his having an affair...what a bummer for him [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>It is not your lack of trust, don't let it come back at you.

HbH - I can imagine that I would feel the same as you if I'm ever fortunate enough to have this problem (in recovery). I agree with the responses above BUT I do think it's noteworthy that he apparently told you the truth. Sooooo, if you discuss this with him, please be sure to throw him that bone. Understand?<p>WAT

OMG it would bug me. I agree w/Lor, he lost any leeway to be w/other women "friends" when he had the A. Not to mention it sounds a bit like a party atmosphere where inhibitions will be lowered. I would have to find a way to let him know that this is unaccaptable. You can always try the tact:<p>When you put yourself in situations such as this it makes me feel___________. <p>You will have to stay calm to get him to see your side though.

hbh,<p>I have traveled on business with men for years and it is entirely inappropriate to be alone in the hotel room with them. That is just ASKING for it. When we gathered for dinner or in someone's room it was only when there were several people there. THAT is how married people act on business trips. <p>He is showing VERY POOR judgement by doing this at a time when he desperately needs to be REPROVING his trustworthiness to you. Not only that, but he is playing with fire by making himself AVAILABLE to other women. A married man should not be doing that. <p>Nor should a THOUGHTFUL, committed married man be putting his own wife through this torture. If his "friendships" with these single women are truly insignificant as he says, then it shouldn't be that hard to end these "friendships" in order to restore his marriage and your peace of mind. <p>You need to start setting some boundaries before you lose your mind, hbh. It is bad enough to have him on the road, but this is a bit much.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by needing:
<strong>OMG it would bug me. I agree w/Lor, he lost any leeway to be w/other women "friends" when he had the A.
</strong><hr></blockquote>

I am in total agreement also. How many of our H's OWs were "Just friends"? A lot. The next time my H wants a female friend he can get a divorce first.

Obviously, you are uncomfortable with the situation; therefore, I'd be totally honest with your hubby and tell him exactly how you feel. Yet, allow him the benefit of truly knowing that this type of behavior creates anxiety and doubts within your mind. Thank him for being honest and let him know that you do appreciate the same. But, by the same token, let him know that you are open to resolving this issue by mutual compromise.<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: GeezLouise ]</p>

Wow, glad to hear I have support and that I'm not alone on this.<p>My H has always had many female friends, very, very few male friends. <p>This was a college club trip, all the people were single except my H, so the atmosphere was not like a business trip. I've been on business trips, this is NOTHING like that. H shares a room with 2 other guys, so that is why people were in/out like I mentioned and they all came in to watch the movie.<p>I also know H thought nothing of this. Before his A, I wouldn't have cared all that much, as long as I knew about it. It's the same thing with him picking on me about strippers and cute girls at work. It's not true, but he likes to pick on me about it. Like it's funny, now.<p>It isn't. Pre-A, yes, now - it's obnoxious, cruel and disrespectful to me.<p>We're not the say-anything best friends we used to be, where he and I could honestly look at other people and be like "oh, she's your type, or you'd really like him". Y'no, just messing around, where you feel so secure with your S that you can do this stuff. <p>So, I know why he does it, but I still don't know how to make it sink in that it hurts me. I've told him that I would like it if he didn't have any friendships with single woman w/o them also being a friend of mine or all of us doing stuff together. He agreed, but that was months ago, and now he doesn't remember. Now he says I'm trying to control his life and pick who he can be friends with.<p>I think I will write him another letter. How do you think this sounds:<p>H,
It really hurts me that you continue to have close friendships with women while we are trying to rebuild our marriage. I feel as though these friendships weaken our chances of recovery as well as my ability to trust you to be faithful.<p>I feel as though your actions are very inappropriate and disrespectful to me, especially after everything we have been though. It feels like you are acting like an irresponsible, single college guy with no girlfriend, rather than a married, responsible, caring husband.<p>My self-respect, trust, and happiness take a major hit when you:
-Talk to women on the phone late at night for long periods of time
-Allow yourself to watch movies alone in a hotel room with women
-Pick on me about strippers or fictitious beautiful women that you meet
-Spend any free time with women (outside of school-assigned projects) that do not involve me as well<p>I wish I could put into the words the pain and trauma I suffer knowing that your relationship with both OW started out the exact same way as your friendships with these new women. I feel as though it is your responsiblity to minimize putting yourself in inappropriate situations with women, especially since you are not wearing your wedding ring. <p>HbH

Well, small victory I suppose.<p>H just called. We didn't really get to talk about any issues (wouldn't want to on the phone like that anyway). But, we did make plans to talk when he got home on Sunday so I can feel better.<p>He is so clueless sometimes. I did ask him to please call me if he plans on watching a movie again tonight (he didn't think so but it wasn't a definate no). Then I think he got it finally, cuz' he was suddenly like "oh yeah, of course I'll call if that was to happen again, no problem, etc."<p>I know it was all totally innocent, but, y'no? You can't be putting yourself in situations like that... It's like me walking home alone in a dark alley at midnight. You just DON'T DO IT!<p>Thank you everyone for validating my sanity. If you do have comments on that letter, I'm open to suggestions. I probably will still give it to him on Sunday...<p>HbH

Dear HbH,<p>No, there is no totally innocent of anykind anymore. That was lost when he lost your trust. <p>You both are suppose to work on rebuilding both trusts in your relationship. That is where I think you should focus your next discussion with him. <p>Hey, I panic when H doesn't answer his phone. Innocent or not, he lost his innocence on that too! Silly as it sounds, even if his reasons are legit, the reason why his innocence was lost is because we doubt. No longer are we giving the WS or x-Ws the benefit of the doubt. <p>I just got in from helping H do a delivery job. He is on his way to Reno and we had to wait in the parking lot of this production studio for almost 4 hours. Then I had to wait for another guy to pick up the last package. H was rushing to drop off the 3rd package to another driver and deliver his 2 by the next deadline but he had to drive by the exit for OWs house. You bet I panicked. I called him on his cell and asked where he was. Couldn't get through (tried 3 times). Then on the 4th try,he said something about pulling off the side of the road and my heart skipped a beat (several beats), then I called back a few minutes later to call in more info and he was filling his gas tank. I had to ask "No passengers?" He replied: "no passengers". <p>Still my heart skipped a beat. I don't need irregular heatbeats now...... you see where I'm going with this? All innocence lost, panic city is in......nope the WS' responsibility is to assist in restoring the trust, in a big way. <p>The innocent ones? Our children. <p>L.