Hi all,<p>I formerly posted as SickandUnwanted. <p>This morning a mutual friend informed me that he'd seen my husband (who lives in another city) with a dark haired young female. It sounded like the young woman I suspect my husband of having an affair with, and living with. He did have a chance to talk to my husband briefly, although my husband was trying to get rid of him before the girl arrived. <p>My husband said things like 'the last 13 years of my marriage have been unhappy' (that's when I became disabled with CFS) and that 'she'll (me) have to make a life of her own'. He walked off with the girl laughing and talking, totally focussed on her. My husband had previously told another friend that I have 'nothing to offer emotionally, physically or mentally' and that I'm 'nothing but a burden'.<p>What I'd like to know is, can he truly just turn his back on our happy past and walk into a new future? Can he really go on as if I don't exist and am not his concern in any way, shape or form? He's obviously deep in the fog, but can that become reality for him? How can anyone just cast aside their spouse? <p>Evensong

Evensong, What is CFS? So sorry that you are feeling so cast aside. I don't understand the human emotional system. I do not understand how a spouse can act this way but I do understand the pain it causes for those who did not see it all coming. Funny, my situation is reversed. WS is a paraplegic and I have stood by him through thick and thin. Everyone we know comments, "After all the time you have stood by him and all you have done for him, how could he do this?" I also put my family first throughout the last 32 years of my married life but I am not sorry cause I can put my head down at night and KNOW I have done my best---I am not perfect but I did try to work on things for many years with no response from WS. He has issues that he needs to address within himself. Anyone that had all he had---beautiful home, loving/caring children, good financial status, caring friends, easy life cause I did so much to make his life comfortable has got to have major issues if he can "detach" from it all.<p>I think that men compartmentalize their experiences and emotions so that they can detach from us. I asked WS how he could live here with me and then spend time with OW and he said he just detaches from me when he is with her. He would be crying one moment when we deciding to separate and then go out in his car and call OW, laughing and acting like a 15 yr old.<p>I know they can detach but can they live HAPPILY with the guilt and remorse that will invade their other relationship? I don't think so....I bet that is one of the things that eats away at any peace in the "new" relationship. Also the lies, secrecy and deceit can really put a damper on the "new" thang. The real test comes when they are alone at night with nothing to help them escape or detach. When that new relationship matures, what will be needed to detach or escape to so they can get us out of their minds. <p>When all the newness wears off, the question is will we be there to try again? Will they want the work involved to recover? I am struggling with these questions right now and I know that I will work through them with the help of others who have gone on before me.<p>((((((((Evensong)))))))<p>You are loved, by many here and SOOOOOOOO loved by God. Keep learning and growing and keep reaching out for help. <p>TW

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Evensong:
<strong><p>What I'd like to know is, can he truly just turn his back on our happy past and walk into a new future? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Evensong,<p>It sounds like he HAS turned his back on his marriage. He has abandoned the marriage and unfortunately, you can't work to restore something that is not there. As painful as it is, I would think the best thing would be to try to accept what has happened and start focusing on YOU and getting on with your life. Maybe some day he will come to his senses and come back to you. However, you can't count on that and, in the meantime, need to take steps to protect yourself and start taking care of yourself.

Thank you both for your replies. CFS is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. <p>I have already been focussing on myself, and getting on with my life as if he won't be in it. In my mind my real husband is dead, and this imposter is not someone I want to be with. Because I can't speak to my husband, and he refuses to email me details, I am living in limbo. I've spoken to a lawyer about legal seperation etc, but found out that the stress involved in it all would be too much for me. With CFS your mechanism for coping with stress is way over-sensitive, and I cannot risk total physical collapse as I have animals to care for. So I continue in limbo at his mercy.<p>TW, I too am wondering if I'd be there for him if he ever does come out of the fog. The things he's said, his actions, I don't know if I could live with a man who has the capacity for such sheer cruelty. Your situation just goes to show that no matter how wonderful you are, your spouse can still turn on you anyway.<p>Melody, I have accepted that he's turned his back. I guess like most BSs I'm trying to understand how anyone can do this to another, and if there's a chance he'll change back.<p>Evensong.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Hi Evensong,<p>Thanks for providing more explanation of your situation. CFS is a real and frustrating illness. My friend's mother has it and it certainly has taken a toll on her. There is much being learned about this illness and some treatments are doing good in some areas. Have you ever looked into Quantum Energy treatments? My SIL is diagnosed with MS and at one time was worried about CFS, she is doing much better but her QE treatments are helping her release much int he way of toxins and inhibited feelings and believe it or not it has been healing. My H's family (SIL included) have such a history of emotional disorders (highly dysfunctional family) along with liver weaknesses (the 2 tie together) and as the kids get older more of their problems surface. For H, we are learning that this A stuff is just one of 'his' symptoms. The other kids are displaying similar problems but with different situations. <p>Anyway back to your question, I believe you H is portraying that 'fun loving' spirit and even though on the outside he is pretending to everyone else that his is having a good time, he still has to look in the mirror and he still knows what he is doing to you. For you ES, for your health and welfare, it may be better for you not to deal with what he is doing. Just secure your future as best as you can. <p>We all know (even his friend) that he is acting foolishly. So that OW he is with either is a foolish woman or just plain stupid and will wake up one day to find out she is with a foolish man. Boy, that sure does not make her look good. <p>See, your real H was not like that right? So you are not a foolish W. Nope, you are hurt because the man parading around as your H is the not character/person you married. <p>That is what I told my H also. I even asked my H to go find my real H and bring him back. At least so that I could tell him good bye. My H agreed that he was not the same man and he cried saying he wanted the old H to come back. Yep, so did I. <p>You take care of ES and your animals, ok?<p>L.

mylife, I've been in plan B for some months now. That's exactly as my husband wants it, but I'm doing plan B for myself. He's living in a city a long way from me, so at least I don't have the daily stress of dealing with him. Your own situation must be so hard for you to cope with, I can't understand how anyone can sink so low. <p>Orchid, I've tried just about everything for the CFS, and have had to give up trying. I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can't do anything without my CFS getting worse, every treatment I've tried has been a disaster. I have accepted my illness and am normally a cheerful type of person, but this whole affair business is wrecking me. <p>What you said about me not dealing with what he's doing is right, every time I find out more I have a huge setback. Yet at the same time I want to know the truth, so that I can make decisions based on full knowledge. It would be easier for me knowing that he's definitely having an affair, somehow letting go is not so hard then. Does that make sense? I'm pretty befuddled myself.<p>Evensong