Hello,
This last week has been HELL!!!! My WS contacted the OW last friday after about 3 months of no contact and every day since. Said he can't get her off his mind. She is his best friend. They are on the same page. He needs some answers. (There A lasted 2-1/2 yrs.) He is not happy anymore and doesn't know what makes him happy. He has been very short with me, and asked to sleep in sepearte bedrooms. I love him so much, and cry all the time and he gets even more angry as to why I'm crying. Says we always talk about the same stuff, always end up hurting each other, always bring up the past "well you did it too" kinda thing. MAJOR LB's. I've been reading up on co-dependacy, and I know I am very co-dependent. I think this is my fault, and what can I do to make it better, yada, yada, yada. He asked me to wait 3 weeks so he can find the answers he needs. The not knowing is tota HELL! I asked him if by talking to her again, he rekindled their relationship and he said not any more that what was already there. I don't want to lose him and he won't let me move out. He wants his space, but finacially neither one of us can move out. Want's to cash in our 401ks, to pay off some bills (yes it's that bad) and even he want's the divorce we both need to live here unitl we are more financially stable. I can't do that. I need to move on if he decides to end this. How the hell can I live in a house evey daywith a man I am in love with, know the feeling isn't mutal. His response: I thought we agreed on this. You really need to go see a money counselor. #$%@^ him. All he cares about is money. When I say all I care about is him. I sense that he want's to reduce the debt to divorce me, but he says I read way to much into stuff. Questions: Do we have a chance? How can we stop the LB's? How can he get over the OW? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

FYI-
F-35
Married 6 1/2 yrs together 10
D-day 5/01
no kids<p>PS. Said he loved me this morning, but is in love with her more.

Camplite, I am so sorry for your pain tonight. The boards are slow on the weekend, so I'm not sure if many people will be on to help.<p>You say his affair lasted 2 1/2 years? Wow, it will take a long time to get over that, 3 months isn't nearly enough. I can't believe he caved after all that time!!! Oh hunny, the frustration you must be feeling right now. It is every BS's nightmare.<p><<<<<<<<<<camplite>>>>>>>>>><p>What was the 3-months like when he was supposedly not in contact? Was he really working on the marriage, or in withdrawal the whole time? It sounds like he was probably in withdrawal and that's why you couldn't get anywhere.<p>That BS about loving you and loving her more is just that, bullsh*t. Don't believe a word of it, hear me!!! That's just WS-talk.<p>This is way past any boundary I think I would have. Was this one of your boundaries? If so, then get kicking - you're in plan B, girl. Since you have no kids I guess that means you should make plans to move in with a friend or relative until he gets his butt in gear.<p>You will not take this, will you? I mean 3-months with no-contact and then he has to go and pull this sh*t. You can't let him get away with it, there has to be consequences.<p>Sure, you can plan A, but you've already done that, haven't you? I guess I don't know your story, maybe, it's possible you should go back to plan A, but honest woman, I don't know how you would find the strength to do that.<p>Maybe it is just me though, when my H re-ignited his EA after 3 weeks of no-contact, I had to go to plan B, I had to, for my sanity, that was my boundary and he pushed me too far. Of course we eventually came back from that (2 months and one PA later). But then again, my story is quite a bit unique, so...<p>Just my 2 cents. I hope someone else chimes in here.<p>HbH

HbH,
Thanks for your post. I re-posted it today hoping for more feedback. I've been talking with a close friend, (actually her and her H are me and my H's best friends) and she keeps telling me to move out for awhile and give him his space. The thing is, I asked him and he won't let me. Can't afford it. This would just add stress to the already in crisis marriage. What a bunch of crap! He won't sleep in our bed with me, he won't eat supper with me, he won't go anywhere with me, he won't watch TV with me, and it seems like everytime I open my mouth, he is all over my as to why I am starting this agian, why all the questions, if you keep talking this is going to go nowhere. yada yada yada. I fell like a hostage in my own hope. I can't stay here knowing that I want to work this out, he doesn't want anything to do with me, can't make up his mind as to whether or not it's over, his actions are leading me to believe it is and he is just stringing me along (financially) but he won't let me move out. (In fact, he asked OW if we didn't work this out, if she would move in so he could keep the house...she said no supposedly. IS THIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE OR WHAT????

Hi Camplite, <p>I am sorry you are in such a sad state. Have you read any info from here? Surviving an affair, his needs/her needs, basic concepts, etc? There is also another book called love must be tough (this is by Dr J. Dobson), the other books are by Dr. Harley. Read up if you can. It will help you regain your strength, identify and focus on the real issues. <p>If you feel you need to move out then do so. It is for your sanity. Finances are usually a major worry. Can you stay with a friend? Don't let your H dictate your schedule. He may be wanting you there so he can save up and move out when it is convenient for him. Don't give him that option. <p>Your H's logic sounds like it is lost. If that is true then his decisions may sound wacky. Be careful, learn to know the right from the wrong and make your decisions with a calm heart and a clear mind. <p>Cry and vent here as much as you need. My H said almost exactly what yours did. I carried and paid all his bills plus our families for 3 months. After that, I gave him back his stuff and told him he was on his own. He came back 2 months later (1st of 4 attempts) and he is home now. <p>So you have a lot ahead of you but you have support and homework also. This will definitely help. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hi camplite, I agree with Orchid, give YOU some space, not him. Give YOU some time to decide what YOU want, not what HE wants.<p>If that means you have to move out, so be it, it is what you need. Don't make it contingent on anything (like him breaking it off with OW again), if it is your decision, it is your decision and shouldn't be based on any words your H may or may not say or promise.<p>That is my advice, give yourself some time and space and see what it is that camplite wants.<p>HbH