This is the best I have in me to offer in return. Please read this as my parting gesture. If you find something of worth here, refer others to it. I'll be gone. <BR>I browsed the beginning of the year. I posted through the spring. Haven't posted all Summer, but still occasionally stop by to see what's happening. new woman's idea about success stories getting lost got me off my duff.<BR>If this helps just one person, it's worth sharing. God knows, it was an effort getting where I am today, and that is worth any effort. <BR>Through my friends here, and the MB site itself, things got clear. My own values started to order themselves. The most important thing is honesty. Honesty is not simple. Those of us who would like to be told the truth must, ourselves, be truthful - and to OURSELVES first!<BR>In June I wrote this to my wife (she had the affairs - years ago) for our anniversary:<BR> I love you.<BR>My love for you is elemental.<BR>I don't control it. It is simply there,<BR>beneath everything - its sweet ache<BR>suffusing all that I know.<BR> I respect you<BR>as the entire individual you are<BR>as well as for your part in <BR>this entity we are.<BR>Your half depends on mine.<BR>For this, I try to share with you<BR>what I know to be the truth.<BR>You deserve nothing less,<BR>in all the ways that<BR>it might touch you.<BR>I've come to know<BR>that less than my striving for<BR>uncalculated freedom of honesty<BR>would not allow for<BR>how I need to relate to you.<BR>The knowledge is hard won:<BR> Not listening<BR>to truly acknowledge you<BR>would be to subvert it.<BR>Embracing your truth<BR>is itself an affirmation of honesty.<BR> Shielding you from it<BR>would mean I thought you<BR>less than equal to reality.<BR>This presumption would say that<BR>only I am - and isolate me for it.<BR> Taking the responsibility of both<BR>and acting alone<BR>would be its violation.<BR>Remorse for what neither ever wanted<BR>is all that results.<BR> Reserving it <BR>would be to reserve myself -<BR>fearing you to know the real me.<BR>No one wants to risk judgement<BR>and rejection, but the reserver<BR>is already<BR>alone.<BR> I have done each!<BR> But living this way<BR>I would fear<BR>that I would begin to view you<BR>differently. Guardedly.<BR>I would fear<BR>the effect on your very nature<BR>of this secret discord,<BR>this change in me.<BR>I would begin to fear<BR>for my underlying love.<BR> Such a cost!<BR>- when the simpler investment<BR>is the one yeilding<BR>ever greater consonance and trust -<BR>harmony beyond summing.<BR>And what could be better<BR>for love to thrive?<BR>So now, I try to bare my soul to you. <BR>As simple as it is,<BR>it's never easy.<BR> <BR> Love me for this:<BR> (If you would love me)<BR> Know me.<BR> Know me<BR> for what I think,<BR> My fears<BR> and wishes<BR> and plans,<BR> Things I do<BR> and have done,<BR> How I feel regret<BR> and joy,<BR> What I imagine,<BR> and<BR> Know me for my love -<BR> for all that I am.<BR> <P>In the weeks following we talked more, and more honestly, than we had for too, too long.<BR>We truly got closer. We're more living a commitment now - better than any contract. Both of us feel more free to express ourselves; express our love.<BR>I recently wrote this to my wife for her birthday:<P> I love you,<BR>so I wouldn't vie with you<BR>for the living of your life.<BR>I want simply<BR>to live mine with you -<BR>the depth and breadth,<BR> then more:<BR> I think that <BR>you can only really be<BR>all that you could<BR>when you can live<BR>all that you are<BR> with Another,<BR>continually finding<BR>who you become<BR>through your Other's caring eyes.<BR>( Coupled,<BR> Each the Other )<P><BR>Please understand how profoundly private all this is to me. I owe all of you at MB. (You know who you are.) So please, take what I've shared and do all you can with it!<BR>Thanks and 'bye,<BR>Dave<BR> <BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dave P. (edited September 16, 1999).]

Absolutely beautiful, Dave!<P>Your W is one lucky chick ....

Like Maya said, what you wrote to your wife is truly beautiful. It says so eloquently how much you feel for her. Thanks for sharing

Dave,<P>BEAUTIFUL! Thank you so much for sharing that. I agree with Maya and Madelyn, your W is a lucky woman, and you are lucky to have discovered how to love each other. Isn't that just the best? Now, THAT'S marriage building!! Thanks again for sharing, and please post more encouraging, uplifting and positive stuff when you can.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Dave - Thanks for "getting off your duff" and sharing a very personal but wonderfully sweet and hopeful slice of life.<P>

Thanks for the compliments, though fishing wasn't my game. I hoped to point up what a challenge all of this is. All of Life, I guess! <BR>How afraid are we all? It's less risky if something doesn't work out as we wanted, to try "elsewhere" or to make believe that it doesn't matter rather than to TRULY try. To really dig deeply into the workings of another person - and our relationship to them - means the risk of finding ourselves, and perhaps things we didn't want to know or face. Because of fear many of us have doomed ourselves to living on the surface. <BR>It took months of thinking and sorting and writing and rewriting - and deciding that no depths of search could be off limits - before I found the ideas and the words for that first letter. I read it to her in the cozy booth of the restaurant I took us to for the anniversary. I was so apprehensive that my fingertips went numb and I started seeing stars. After all - this was the crux of a life, here. This was thirty-one years of life in a marriage that had meaning and worth - or not. It would take TWO that were willing to risk to that extent.<BR>Try it. Look into yourself first. You'll know you're getting somewhere when you're frightened almost to death and utterly exhausted from the effort. No wonder so much of life is spent on the surface. But, believe me, that unthinkable effort is worth it! You must reach the whole way, though - whatever outcome you might anticipate.

(How do these double things happen??)<p>[This message has been edited by Dave P. (edited September 13, 1999).]

Bringing this back to the top. DaveP, you've got some great gems of wisdom in here!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

One more time around, then g'bye.<BR>Dave