<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: BeenWishin ]</p>

Marsh,<p>Re: “I thought this was a forum to rebuild marriages.” And your reply….. <p>“I thought the same thing. I came here and was told to immediately divorce my H. So much for rebuilding marriages! I wonder if Dr. Harley would tell me to divorce my H? Maybe I should call him.”<p>
This is a forum for rebuilding marriages. The issue of bisexuality/homosexuality is somewhat separate. Unfortunately they could add some complexity and extra pain to healing your marriage. This is a reality. It is obvious that it is an issue to you because you brought it up as perhaps the main issue in your first post. <p>You also asked if you should have an affair. You got sound advice that having an affair yourself would not be wise if you think there is even the remotest possibility to save your marriage. It is far better for all concerned if you work on this marriage. Then if you have done all you can and the marriage fails anyway. Then, after your divorce, you can date. I believe that adultery is a very bad choice no matter the circumstances.<p>I have read and reread the responses you received. It seems that most of the people who responded to you are people who are giving you support and advice for dealing with your H’s affair and his bisexuality/homosexuality. Few have even suggested that you should “immediately divorce” your H. <p>This is an open forum, people will say whatever they want to. It is your job to take what you feel is relevant to your situation and to ignore the rest. If one person says something you do not like, don’t paint it on to everyone.<p>It does seem to me that SnL’s post did serve to help you get closer to clarifying where you stand on all this. That is good, even if you do not agree with him. You will come to learn that SnL has opinions that are, well his own. And he is not shy about spouting off about them. You will also find that he loves a good argument/discussion. So as long as you are willing to argue/discuss back, he’s game. <p>So what if SnL has an opinion that you do not like or disagree with. Let it go and spend your energy on your recovery, personal and marital. <p>I think that you are right. Calling Dr. Harley would be a very good idea. It’s some thing that just about any couple could benefit from. And in your case even more so. He and his staff have helped thousands of couples through recovery. I am sure that he has seen several cases like yours. Therefore he probably has very beneficial insight.<p>Z<p>zorweb@hotmail.com

Know what's really funny? For me personally, that is. My H has told me many times that he wouldn't consider an affair with another woman cheating but it is with a man. How twisted is he???

Marsha, I'm afraid my post got lost in all the Bible-thumpin'.<p>Please go back and read it. Let me know if you'd like to discuss this further. I have no religious agenda to push. My qualifications are these: My H was involved in in inappropriate friendship 3 years ago that has since been resolved. I have a close friend who was in your H's shoes. I think I offered some good suggestions. Please go back and read them and then let me know if I can help.<p>Thank you.

Marsha,
Zorweb's post says a ton. Hope you will read and then also go back and re-read some of what others have had to say. You seem to have gotten your back up over one person's response and then turned off your hearing to what others may be saying. <p>There is a lot of help for you here, if you are able to accept it.
Best,
M

Marsha...<p>Maybe you can help me understand what the BS is going through in a situation like this. Maybe then I can appreciate what my wife thinks.

Marsha- I wanted to add some facts that i happn to know from family experience - <p>My husband is one of 8 children, one of his brothers died from AIDS. You know what- he was not a drug addict, didn't go to prostitutes, and was not bi or homo sexual. He got it from having a regular affair with a regular girl.<p>The homosexual community has gotten a bad rap because it started with them in this country- but believe me they are not alone or even in the majority anymore. Does that mean don't get tested- NO- everyone who posts in this forum should- no two ways about it, I have been.<p>Also- I have another brother in law who is gay. He was married for many years when he was younger- has four children in fact- but he was always messing around from time to time with men, unknown to her of course. Eventually it all came out of the closet, and today they are divorced, and he leads his life as a homo sexual, and she has moved on and seems to have found a very nice straight man and is happy again.<p>I tell you about this because I have tried to not be judgemental of him, and I love him because he is my brother, and I have spoken with him many times about all this. <p>He did love his wife, still does, still speaks with sincerety and respect of her, still has in the back of his mind the idea that he would go back to her if she would have him (she won't- mute topic, and I think it is really just as well.) He also admits that it is not likely that his sexual preferences would be able to change. He is a very confused person, but in the end he is happy with his choices for his life- so I guess that is the thing that matters for him.<p>This confusion though, I think it is very real, and most likely your H is feeling it also. I think it is very possible that you H does love you, I also think that it is very likely that his affairs with men are not going to just go away. This is not a need you will be able to fill no matter how wonderful of a wife you are, and it is not your fault. You are going to have to make your own choices for your own life and what you want in it.<p>I feel deeply for you- this is an awful situation.<p>NY

Also, if you wish to my email address is mackley@twcny.rr.com (I will edit this out in a few days or so when I remember just so I don't get junk mail- so write it down if you want to use it. I don't mind getting mail from anyone in this forum, it's just the spammers) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BeenWishin:
<strong><p>So I guess by Snl's view, I am depraved, a blight on society and not worthy of anything.<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: BeenWishin ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BeenWishin:
<strong><p>So I guess by Snl's view, I am depraved, a blight on society and not worthy of anything.<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: BeenWishin ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>NO WAY!!! You are far from it!

Marsha

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>, <p>Marsha,
Hope we have not scared you away -- you can help us be better people in learnig to be more emphathetic to other's situation -- I believe we all are trying hard to be sensative to your needs & are hoping & praying for you!
Peace to all,
HH</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Nobody scared me off. Not too much can scare me off nowadays. <p>Marsha