This is my first post and I don't know all of the lingo yet but I'll give it a shot. My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. She was abused mentally and sexually throughout her pre-adult life by family members and friends parents. When I met her she had no self confidence or desire to make anything of herself. I was bold and cocky and a belief in my heart that I could have, do or be anything I wanted. Throughout the years I did everything I could to build up her confidence. I encouraged her to take on challanges at work and home. She did, one by one, and now has surpassed me at our work. (We work for the same company). Two months ago I caught her with an OM. She told me she hated me and loved him. She told me the affair had been going on for 3 1/2 years. It started on her birthday after I was called into work and couldn't take her out to celebrate it. It continued by phone even after we moved 1500 miles from him. She was calling him and talking for 1-3 hours a night 3-4 times a week. She was doing it on her cell phone and I had no clue. This other man was her boss during much of the affair and two of her promotions came under his supervision. She wanted a divorce I wouldn't let her have it easily. I have been plan A-ing ever since and she is no longer asking for a divorce or separation and she says she is no longer speaking with the other man but she is hiding things. She opened a mail box in her name and a bank account at a different bank. She told me about them when I heard about them through a rhumor. (She wrote a check to our workplace and whoever took it noticed the different mailing address on it). She gave me a key to the mailbox so I wouldn't feel she was hiding anything. I told her I didn't want it and that if she felt she needed it it was her decision. She left the key in my truck in case I changed my mind. Things were going fairly well for a week or so when I went to bring her lunch on my day off. The place I went for lunch was right next to the mail box place so I thought I'd do her a favor and pick up her mail for her. Her box was empty but inside, taped to the back side was a note that said only give mail to her. She gave me the key knowing I couldn't get her mail anyway. I don't understand why she did this. We are not working on the program. I can't seem to get her to read any of it or participate in any of the activities. We are spending immense amounts of time together and have always gotten along great. We don't fight or argue ever. When I ask her to participate in the MB program she says she's still here isn't she? She has trouble telling me she loves me sometimes and is very protective of her emotions. She wasn't this way before the affair was discovered. I don't think she is still in contact with him but she has not decided if she wants to be with me either. We have three wonderful kids and a great financial situation right now but I'm going crazy. She was diagnosed with clinical depression-after I persuaded her to speak with her doctor about it-two weeks ago. I had been trying for 5 years to do this. She says she can't give me any hope because she doesn't know what the future holds. She has never cried or tried to console me when I was in shambles. I worry that she is simply faking her emotions to get through the holidays. I told her this and she says she doesn't have any plans right now. She will not open up to me emotionally. The first time we made love after I discovered the affair she was amazing. She was the woman in bed that I met in high school. The woman I hadn't seen in a decade. I wondered if that was the woman he knew. I'm sure it was. She may not be in contact with him right now but her emotions are. How long will it take her to come back to me, what are my options to help her and what can I do to help me survive it? I'm an emotional train wreck and have been for two months. I've always loved her and have always shown it. It simply got monotanous to her to hear it from me day after day and when he did it - told her she was worth something and could really go far, it meant more to her. She idolized him before the affair because he was a great manager and she'd had plenty of bad ones before him. He was a great ego boost for her. Wow what a novel huh? Any suggestions? My pride and ego are pretty much gone now. I've failed at pretty much every aspect of my life. I don't give up though and put my marriage at the top of my priorities list. I will not accept the wife I had the past 5 years now. I want something better. I'm beginning to worry she won't come around. I am becoming everything she wanted me to be but in her mind love is a magical thing that just happens and can't be created. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

When people talked about plan B, I never saw myself going there, but . . . I started plan B Thursday after finding out there is still non-stop contact.<p>This is the third wound for us. I plan "A"ed through the other two, but can't put up with any more pain. I also can't let him bounce back and forth and confuse the kids (10 & 14) any further.<p>I think the advise the Dr. Harley gives is to plan A for as long as you can handle it. That will be different for everyone. I made it 8 months.<p>May God bless you and keep you strong! Please know that we are all here for support!<p>Le

saddad - without going into details, your situation is well within the ballpark of a classic affair.<p>Please see the general welcome for new posters on the Just Found Out board. Also, order the books, Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs from the bookstore on this forum (or just look for them in your local bookseller).<p>I'll bet you're a long way from going to Plan B. The criteria usually given is not being able to be around your spouse without LB'ing. I recommend a slightly different criteria of having adequately demonstrated your self improvements AND being separated, regardless of whether you can avoid LBs. Read all the material here you can find and get that Plan A clicking.<p>Do not try to get your spouse into the MB approach yet. She's not ready.<p>One other thing for the time being: since you've only posted once so far, please consider changing your MB name. There is already a "sad dad" (with a space) that will cause you two to be confused.<p>Good luck,<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

saddad,<p>This is the other "sad dad", just wanted to welcome you to MB. Listen to what "worthatry" says, he has the MB principles down to a science. His help to me has been immeasurable. I agree with him, it's much too early to consider plan B. I'm at that point, but it's been 7 months since d-day, W's filed for D and contact with OM continues. <p>Keep posting & keep reading! <p>the "original" sad dad (just kidding!!!)