My H insists there's nothing left of our M. We're selling our house (can't afford to keep it without him), moving to separate apartments and "moving on" according to my H. I still love him. He's very cold; like there's no love there at all. Forget the "in love", just no love. Although when we are not focused on the M, we get along fine; can joke and laugh. I have tiny suspicions that the A may be on again. Nothing concrete, just a feeling. I have signed a lease for Feb. 1, and until that time, H and I have agreed to live in the same house. Can I plan A again, knowing that we are definitely separating? I made the mistake of asking him for SF this past weekend (I told him, no emotions, just sex). Well, he turned me down flat. Said he just couldn't do it, had no interest (we have not had sex for 7 weeks) in having it with anyone. I find it SOOOOO hard to believe that he has not had sex in 7 weeks. I mean, he told me all this same stuff before I knew about his A, and at that time, he was having no trouble having sex with OW. Anyway, I ended up crying and telling him that I was sorry, but that I DID still love him; I am having trouble letting go, as we are living our daily lives together. I just get the feeling that as far as he's concerned, other than helping out with the bills, the kids, etc., right now I'm just "dead" to him.<p>Anyone have any suggestions????<p>MOM

MOM,<p>I am so sorry. This has got to be such a hard time for you.<p>Of course you can still Plan A, if you have the emotional control to do it. You can Plan A all the up to a D. Plan A is about you, making the changes in your life you need to survive without him. He may never recognise your efforts, but you will be a happier more fulfilled person for making the changes you need for yourself.<p>As far as the SF, boy are we in the same boat. My H is just flat out not interested and it is so hard for me. I know this makes it all the harder to keep your feelings in check. We all hate to be rejected, but remember, he is deep in the fog. And BTW, its been 8 weeks w/out SF for us. And for a change I am the one who wants it.

MoM,<p>Can you plan A again? I think the answer is 'yes'. In fact, I remember Harley answering a Q&A by suggesting that a man who did not want a divorce continue to plan A his W and keep doing it until 2 years after the divorce became final. (I think it was one of the 'rebuilding alone' articles.)<p>The question is do you want to plan A? If you want the M and you still have energy to put into it, then plan A could be a good option. If you can really plan A, which means meeting his top ENs AND not LBing, and accept that you will get absolutely nothing in return and may actually get LBed for your plan A efforts, then I say go for it. You will have shown him the 'best MoM' in the weeks preceding his moving out, and that may have some impact.<p>If you don't have the energy to do a very good plan A, then consider plan B to the extent possible while you are still sharing living space. Plan B will protect the love you have remaining for your H, and it will keep you at a distance from him moodiness and unresponsiveness.<p>So, MoM, what are you up for? How are your feeling?<p>Talking it through here is a very, very good move!<p>Hugs,

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<MOM>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><p>I am so sorry for the pain. I think it's pretty obvious the A is still ongoing. We all know the signs...<p>So, what can you do about it? Plan A yourself, and get out of that house ASAP so you don't have to deal with his crappola anymore. You have given him so much, I think it is time for plan B as soon as you move out.<p>I really think you need it. It is the thing to look forward to, it is how you get your sanity back. You need him AWAY from you while he is like this. You are losing what little love you do have left at a very rapid rate...<p>So, can you stay with someone until Feb. 1st? What about your H, how come he can't move out now?<p>I am so sorry for your pain. You do NOT deserve this, not now. Try to avoid him as much as possible, and don't ask him for SF anymore.<p>I do still pray that a few months from now, your H gets out of the fog (and the A) and realizes what he has done. I hope by that time you have managed to seperate yourself from him so that you may even have SOME love left to restore your marriage.<p>Your H's A never did die it's natural death. I was so hoping that you would be the exception, but these WH's will just keep waffling and going back to the A until SOMETHING clicks. So disheartening...<p>It's not you MOM, it's NOT YOU. It's him. Please take care today.<p>Hugz,
HbH

My heart aches for you and I'm right there with you! I almost wish my WH would have been upfront with me and told me that he didn't love me. Instead he has spent the last 2 months telling me that he loves me, SF several times a week and also lots of returned affection.<p>In the end, I found out he has still been in contact with her the whole time and plans on trying to rekindle their relationship. It was all a game. 1) He convinced me that we should sell our new house which we did. 2) He convinced me that we should move away from her which we did (a ploy to get me far away). 3) He convinced me that we should move into a small apartment with 2 teenagers until spring, which we did. 4) He convinced that kids that it would be ok to leave their friends so we could start over, and they believed him. 5) He convinced me to quit an excellent job, which I did. 6) He convinced me to take a crappy job here for the interim until I could find something better, which I did.<p>So many promises of a new life together and then WHAM!! Last Thursday he walks out and says that he is filing for divorce. The night before, he caressed me, kissed me, made love to me and said he loved me.<p>I wish he would have just told me the truth from the beginning.<p>Sorry to go off on my own tantram, but my point is that hearing the truth is sometimes very hurtful, but continued betrail is worse. I wish I would feel "dead" with him so I could get on with my life. Instead he continues to lead me on. He can't let go of me, but he won't let go of her either.<p>I feel so much of your pain! My prayer are with you!<p>Le

(((MOM)))<p>I know right where you are. Here's an excerpt from WS email this morning, sound familiar?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Kev, I feel my heart breaking at the hope you hold out for us. There is almost no chance that I am going to have some revelation. Don't you think I would have by now? It kills me that you don't want to start healing and getting on with life. I know that's hard for you to fathom, but you've got to think that way. I'm flattered that you love me so much, but it's just not enough. I don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. Life has to go on. I'm so sorry that we let this happen and that it got to the point of no return for me, but it has. I don't know how to go back or even start over.<hr></blockquote><p>I'm sorry for you, and us all. MOM, if there's anything we can do, or say, or pray for, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm thinking of you.<p>Kev

Thanks guys! As usual, I knew I could count on you all for advice, words of wisdom. I don't know truthfully if I can plan A. I don't feel as if I ever DID a good Plan A. As far as him leaving; he's made it clear HE WON'T go. Neither of us can afford the house without the other, and pay all of our credit card debt as well. He has said "the A's over; you're the one who blew up one night and asked for the D; you leave." I guess my biggest problem throughout this whole process has been my emotions have been ALL over the place. I plan on doing a Plan A; then I get frustrated and want MY feelings heard. Well, he's never been to the point where he can hear my feelings; whether it's guilt over the A; his self-centered nature; whatever, he's just really not been interested.<p>The other problem with me Plan A'ing, is that my H has never wanted to discuss what his EN's are. He's never bought into the MB principles; he read part of SAA once, but never finished it.<p>I have no way of knowing for sure that the A is going on, unless I catch him. He's never told me any part of it; I have ALWAYS had to catch him in the lies. So, I'm going to follow him to work next week (I normally take the bus, but on days when I have my IC, I drive), to see if he stops at her house (she lives 3 miles from where he works, and he made frequent "coffee" visits during the A). If I catch him there, then he will HAVE to leave. He's always said that he would leave if the A was going on. Now he's been playing sanctimonious, righteous one (the A's over; you leave). So I guess I wait and try to "trap" him.<p>I hate that he's put me here. He's talking to me right now; *****ing about how much more his car insurance is going to cost when we're divorced.....AAAGGGHHH!!!

(((Le))) I'm SOOO sorry your H has been playing such mind games with you. See, this is what I am trying to avoid with my H. I feel he is once again, manipulating the situation so he comes out smelling like a rose; getting all the money and possessions he feels entitled to, etc. I wish it had been different for you and your H.<p>(((Kev))) Unfortunately, your W is so deep in the fog, it's more like dogshi# than fog. I guess the others are right; sometimes we have to be OUT of their lives completely for them to understand. And even then, that understanding may never, ever come. I guess I really need to find that out, huh?<p>Love all you guys. You are my lifelines......<p>MOM

Myownme,
I did Plan A through our first 6 separations 11 out of 18 months. The affair on & off & on, etc. but my H denying it 85% of the time.<p>You say you aren't sure you did a good Plan A--I didn't do so great sometimes either, except for the last 6 months of it. You could use this time until you are supposed to move out to do the best Plan A you can. Then you'll know you DID do a good Plan A & can decide once/if you separate what your next step is--more Plan A or B or that's it.<p>Anyway, it is possible to do, if you are able to do it and your H spends a little time with you.

Thanks Lor!
You must have had God in your corner to have withstood 6 separations! I will do my best to do the "right" Plan A while I have the chance. Honestly, I don't think my Plan A was about ME. I think it was and everything else I've done to this point, has been about my H. I'm really trying to concentrate on making ME a better ME. Thanks again, Lor, you're quite an inspiration.<p>MOM

Myownme,
Thank you for the nice compliment.<p>Just a little clarification, there actually were 7 seps, the last one the longest at 5 months--during which I had little interest in Plan A, failed at B, and served D papers. So, I know what happens when it all gets to be too much. But at least I had no regrets about not having given the best I could prior to that--and that is what I would wish for you. That you make good decisons about your own behavior.<p>We're 19 months in recovery now, but in 2/00 there was every indication that we would be divorced. I am a fortunate woman, when I bailed out on Plan A and reconciliation efforts...my H had a change of heart and picked it up. <p>When we came back together, it was a choice we both made. At some point, it does take both partners to work on the marriage, some get there sooner than others. And you are right that God is in our corner, it is His plan for marriages to succeed.<p>I wouldn't wish mulitple separations or Ddays on anybody, but it isn't necessarily the end.