I have been married for 5 years to a man who was previously married and has 3 children, who are now all grown and out on their own. He cannot have any more children. I have always seen myself with children. I made that very clear to him before we were married of my need to be a mother. He assured me that he would have a reversal when we got married. I believed him. That hasn't happened. It's a very costly procedure, and the percentage of it even working is very small. We are presently not financially able to even consider it. <p>Okay, I didn't put the whole truth in here, because I'm a little embarrassed about it... <p>I found out about 3 years into the marriage that my H didn't really want any more children, he was perfectly happy with just me, and didn't want to share me with any children. Apparently his first W changed drastically after she had her first child, and never returned to the loving W he married. <p>He finally went to the doctor to see what he could do. He was told a reversal after 17 years had a very slim chance of working. He could also do a procedure where they take a needle and do an extraction from him and insert to me. I don't want to get too graphic. He didn't want to do that.<p>Then he got the bright idea of me going out and finding a donor (one-night-stand). At first I told him that was out of the question... but he kept insisting. So that's when the fun began.<p>I had several so called donors (one-night-stands). None of which helped my situation. Then I met someone that ended up not being a (one-night-stand). I was seeing him steadily, with my H permission for about 6 months. He was different than all the others. It was not just sexual. There was a deep connection between us. I told my H that I felt like I'd fallen in love with this man. He then forbid me to see him again. I continued to see him, and tried to leave my H so I could be with this new person. <p>But there's another twist to this story. My new love was living with someone else, parttime. Meaning he had a girlfriend who worked out of state, but would come home on the weekends.<p>I saw him for another 6 months, but it has since ended. He moved to the other state with his girlfriend, full time.<p>We still keep in touch via email. I miss, and think about him all the time. And he tells me the same in his messages. I know I will never be with this man, I'm just not ready to let him go completely. We have agreed to be friends only, and that's all it has been since he left. I know it would be better to stop all contact with him to save my M, but I wonder if I want to save it. He's a wonderful man other than that fact he doesn't want to have children with me. That may be too big of a thing to overlook. I'm 38 years old and I feel if I don't do something within the next year or so, it's going to be too late. Any comment/suggestion would be greatly appreciated.<p>I hope this makes sense. Because I'm pretty confused about a lot of things right now.<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Married Without Children ]</p>

Ever consider adooption or becoming a foster parent? There are lots of children out there in desperate need of a loving home.

<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Married Without Children ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 1happycamper:
<strong>Ever consider adooption or becoming a foster parent? There are lots of children out there in desperate need of a loving home.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have added to my original posting. This would more or less be out of the question as far as my H is concerned.

If, after seeing a sperm donor for what my math tells me is about a year and you are still not pregnant...is there somehing the matter with your reproductive tract???<p>
No, I don't approve of the one nite stand thing...I understand it....<p>But that was the first question that popped into my head.

I don't mean to be disrespectful here, but this is about the fifth person I've heard of or known who had a very deep need to have children, and married someone who'd had a vasectomy.<p>I don't get it. Isn't having a vasectomy kind of a sign that a man doesn't want any [more] children? Most men aren't about to have someone take a knife to their privates unless they're pretty darn sure.<p>I have to wonder then if women who marry these guys really want children as much as they say or think they do. I say this because I spent most of my 20's thinking I wanted to get married and then conveniently always getting involved with guys who didn't want to make a commitment. Seems I didn't really want to get married after all.<p>MWC, I think perhaps you ought to take a look inside yourself and see what this "deep need" is all about. Perhaps this is not something you want as much as you think you do; or a part of you is afraid to do it.<p>There are many children available for adoption, if your H decides he can handle raising more children. And if not, it is possible to have a happy, fulfilling life without children. In fact, many of my friends with children envy me my life because my H and I are more involved as a couple than they are with their spouses. I'm 46 and have still not changed my mind, nor am I likely to. And I don't regret my decision.<p>It's important to know yourself and not be swayed by societal pressures. Take a look inside yourself and examine this. You may be surprised at what you find.

Thank you for your comments I will do this. I just want to say the reason my H had the vasectomy was because his XW had problems in her pregnancies, but I guess wanted him to take the knife. I don't know the reason she didn't, and I don't think it's really any of my business.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Dazed and Confused:
<strong>I don't mean to be disrespectful here, but this is about the fifth person I've heard of or known who had a very deep need to have children, and married someone who'd had a vasectomy.<p>I don't get it. Isn't having a vasectomy kind of a sign that a man doesn't want any [more] children? Most men aren't about to have someone take a knife to their privates unless they're pretty darn sure.<p>I have to wonder then if women who marry these guys really want children as much as they say or think they do. I say this because I spent most of my 20's thinking I wanted to get married and then conveniently always getting involved with guys who didn't want to make a commitment. Seems I didn't really want to get married after all.<p>MWC, I think perhaps you ought to take a look inside yourself and see what this "deep need" is all about. Perhaps this is not something you want as much as you think you do; or a part of you is afraid to do it.<p>There are many children available for adoption, if your H decides he can handle raising more children. And if not, it is possible to have a happy, fulfilling life without children. In fact, many of my friends with children envy me my life because my H and I are more involved as a couple than they are with their spouses. I'm 46 and have still not changed my mind, nor am I likely to. And I don't regret my decision.<p>It's important to know yourself and not be swayed by societal pressures. Take a look inside yourself and examine this. You may be surprised at what you find.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Men's Health just did an article on vasecotmys and I was surprised. Alot of men have vasecomtomys while married, thinking they've had all the kids they want and that the marriage is going to last forever and then one day the marriage falls apart. These men sometimes go on to remarry and when they do it's statistically to a younger woman who ends up wanting kids of her own so these men will occassionaly try for a reversal. Over all a very interesting article.<p>As for the one night stands to concieve, you obviously didn't use any form of protection, I'd be more concearned about what you might have caught and could possibly pass on to your husband. I wouldn't recommend continuing in this manner of trying to get pregnant.<p>As a woman I understand the deep desire to have a child of your own. I have three children of my own and it's hard to put into words that others will understand that overwhelming desire to get pregnant. It doesn't always have anything to do with something missing in your own life or trying to fill a void, that's usually what a person who doesn't want children thinks our need is all about.<p>Since you're not really interested in adoption or foster parenting at this time why not volunteer to work with children for a while. Your local YMCA should be able to help you there.<p>And lots of women are having children in the 40's nowadays. Don't give up hope just yet.<p>But someone did bring up a valid question about the lenght of time you were having one night stands to get pregnant and have yet to concieve, are you sure you're fertile? You can easily check for ovulation with the kits they now have avaible or with a simple basal thermometer and a chart. Check yourself out too and good luck.

MWC<p>You did not answer D&C question about why you married a man who had a vasectomy if you wanted children? I too have run across this many times and I just don't understand these women.<p>1 happy camper<p>Are you encouraging MWC to continue committing adultery? Her H had a vasectomy before they were married, she knew about it and his desire not to have any more children and yet you are encouraging not to give up hope? <p>Hye MWC how about doing the right thing and divorce your H. Obviously your desire to have a child is so great that you are able to justify committing adultery. Get real and set your H free he deserves much better.

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Why is your husband against adoption or fostering a child? Is it because it would be somebody else's child? Do you realize if you get pregnant from a one-night stand it's going to be the same thing? Is he really going to be willing to raise and love a child from you and another man? If he can't do it through adoption I would be real leary of subjecting a child to a man that may not be able to love him. It's not fair to any child. You need to think this whole thing through. <p>I know the feeling of wanting a baby so bad that you can taste it. However you need to first focus on your marriage and see if it's salvagable.

KalGrl
Maybe you should reread what I wrote. I recommended that she NOT conitnue trying to get pregnant in the manner in which she was trying but why should she give up hope? Her H might come around one day when the marriage is in a better place and try the reversal.
She may have married a man who had a vasectomy but this man also told her he would have it reversed so she didn't marry this man KNOWING he didn't ever want any more children.