Just needed a little bit of support here. I see it all unfolding in front of me. H is out of the apartment, quit his 3rd shift job to get a part time job in the morning.<p>It's only been a couple of days, but I can tell he is depressed. He is now talking about quitting his job altogether so he can have more time.<p>Our lives are going back to the way they were before his affair. His same issues are there, just like they were before. And just like before, I'm not the cause of these issues (until OW's came into the picture, then suddenly everything was my fault).<p>The kids overwhelm him, he can't seem to control his anger, and he is majorly stressed out, and has insomnia.<p>And, just like before, I see myself asking him "what can I do for you?", "can I do some stuff that will take some stress off you?". I make sure the kids don't bug him, if he's angry, I get them away so he won't yell at them.<p>Now, I know these are his issues, there's nothing I can do about them except bring up how they affect me in MC. Okay, done.<p>What I need support with is just leaving him alone. I want to help so badly. I see him in so much pain, depressed, angry at himself, etc and I want to help. But, I know from experience nothing I do matters, he has to fix this and I am doing more harm than good. I definately don't initiate doing things for him, but I do still find it difficult to say no when he asks me for help...<p>OW is definately out of the picture, but honestly, I have no clue if there is a new OW, it doesn't seem like it, but one never knows... <p>His mood swings are severe. One day he loves me, is meeting all my needs, etc. and the next he is totally furious at me and wants nothing to do with me (except sex).<p>I know I have to be strong, to work on ME and not care about his issues. But, it's SO hard. I know Elad is sort of in this boat, anyone else??<p>I also find plan A SO difficult, I find myself just not caring anymore because I can "see" the future. And what I see is my H either getting involved with another OW, or just leaving because he can't handle his issues.<p>I am starting on Wellbutrim today, so hopefully that will help me feel like doing more plan Aing... H and I are supposed to go out this weekend, and that usually helps us get closer and talk about our issues. <p>It's SO hard when I KNOW that I am not the cause of my H's problems, yet he makes me feel like I am, and takes out his issues on me. Oh, he apologizes and thanks me for being there, helping him, etc. (when he's in a good mood). But again, I live with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know who will be home when I get there...<p>Guess I just needed to vent a bit too. SO frustrating. Work on me, work on me, work on me... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>HbH

I think these are the same reasons why I am having such a hard time with Plan B! I want to be there for him because he is so depressed.<p>I don't have much advice because I'm seeking it myself!<p>Le

You need to get a copy of "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.<p>It's a daily reader, and very easy to read. I gave my copy to a girlfriend about a year ago, 2 weeks ago, as she is going through a nightmare with her family and their issues...she called me up and thanked me profusely for giving her the book. She also showed it a friend who's husband had died 6 months earlier, and the friend broke down in tears - and went out to buy it for all of her family.<p>It's a very healing book - basically its everything you need to heal yourself and to keep that Plan A going steady.

Thanks BR!! Darn, I just put in a huge order at Amazon, wish I would have posted this earlier! LOL<p>I did get the book on co-dependency and some of the other stuff that people have recommended (still waiting for them to come in). I'm not sure where to start!<p>Always up for some good reading.
HbH

Seriously,any chance of making that a family presciption for wellbutrin? If he sees you feeling better any chance you might persuade him to try some too?

His stuff is not about you...just like your stuff is not about him (not really). It is all about our own stuff and the 'expectations' we have about relationships.<p>How do you give him his own space? Don't push about the issues just yet...take your time...really think about what it is that you want and why you want it...then do tell him in a calm, matter-of-fact way...but the key is your expectations...if you expect him to react in a certain way...you are likely to be disappointed...<p>You have to get the point where you say what you say because you want to and have to...but you can't expect 'changes' or certain 'reactions' to occur.<p>Hard. You bet. I am sooooo frustrated w/ a couple of situations...but I KNOW IT IS ALL ME...and I have to get over it...'cause it's my thing and not his...all I can do is 'negotiate' for something different...<p>Do you have all the Harley's books...I can't remember if it is HN/HN or LBs...but there is a really good chapter where he is describing negotiating with his wife about wearing a seatbelt...good stuff...<p>Hope that helps.<p>Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I think what got to me the most was the my H just went on with his life. Of course, he went to work, but he also worked on other projects after work as usual. He would go to friends' houses.
Oh he would ask me to go, but I was very depressed and confused over everything that was happening, so I would stay home. I really expected him to stay home, but he would just tell me he loved me and out the door he would go.
Now after all this time, he has shared with me that he and his friends would get together and pray for me and our situation. He also told me that I could have all the time and space I need, but to remember that no one would love me as much as he does. And I watched him go about his business. He also took care of the house, laundry, cooking and things that he had never done before. He said if he had to do it for himself, he might as well start now. And all this was only one month after he discovered my A.
It was his whole attitude that amazed me. He constantly showed me that he loved me without pressuring me to make some kind of decision. he told me he was only able to do that because of the support of his friends.<p>I hope this is what you are asking about. If you have anything more specific you want to know, please ask. I work nights, so I don't get on here everyday. But I do check back. I have posted my email address that you can use if you want. I do check that everyday.<p>God bless,
Debbie <hr></blockquote><p>This was posted on Confused_guy's post...I thought it might be helpful to you...

Hurt, My W could tell that story nearly word for word. the only difference being that she got tired and found OM. I was diagnosed with dystymia and chronic major depressive episodes shortly after that. It had been going on for over 10 years! Something to think about. I wish you all the best!

Thanks Cali, MF and SF2Go.<p>Cali, thanks for re-posting that off confused thread. I did not see it...<p>I know you are right, just have to try and get there...<p>HbH