It's been a while since I visited the board here. I lurk occasionally, but now I'm back again to post. I had been snooping throgh my H's e-mail and found evidence that he was having another A. I acted in anger & told him that the marriage was over. This is now PA number 3. I had enough! <p>H tried to lie his way through it, oh she doesn't live here, yadda, I was stopping contact, yadda. I have heard this same song before. I wasn't so sure. So, I e-mailed the OW. She told me that she met him after moving here a little over a month ago (this shoots down the 'she doesn't live here lie'). So after some serious deliberation I decided that he had to make his own choices. After a long apologetic e-mail from him today, I basically said that I'm tired of being hurt & maybe it's not such a bad idea if we go ahead & separate for a while. I also told him that each time he's found out, he lies and says that he was about to break up with whoever.<p>I talked to my friend and told her that emotionally, I'm tired. I tried for too long, went to counseling and still nothing has worked. After the discussion didn't go the way my H planned (basically me saying, it's ok let's try again) he hung up on me. I go out of town tomorrow & he promises that his belongings will be out of the house when I get back. I'm sad, yet I think that it is for the best. He has some serious issues to deal with. Each time he acknowledges them, but he has yet to act on them. Will he act this time if we aren't together? I don't know. He's so afraid that if he isn't there I'll run off with some man & forget about him. I think all I really want is to be left alone for a while & not see him. I want to head off a major depression before it gets here and I don't know how to do that with him there moping around because I'm not the best company. <p>Anyway - my question is - is it ok to just go ahead and separate? Are there any happy stories that the WS finds themselves and tries to prove that they can make it work out? I'm sad that he is leaving, but I feel like if this doesn't happen, he'll never see that I can't keep going through this pain and hurt he has inflicted on me ... Did I make the right decision and do I just stick to my guns here and hopes that maybe he'll figure it all out & we can move on one day soon. *sigh*<p>Vee - thanks for listening

Hi Vee,<p>It has been awhile. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You know that separation is very much like Plan B. My only recommendation would be that you decide what if anything would persuade you to take H back. You know in a Plan B letter, it states that you will contact and talk with WS when OP is out of the picture.<p>Your situation isn't quite that clean cut. But, you need to decide what would make you want to end separation from H. Yes, there have been posters that found that separation helped. It doesn't help when you are trying to show WS that you have made changes.<p>I think however, you all are way beyond that point, with his 3 A's. I am sure you are still hearing about yours, but at this point it is moot.<p>If you think separation MAY help you to heal, and perhaps give him time to reflect on his direction in life, then why not consider it a Plan B type of thing: done to preserve your love for him.<p>Tell him that, and then proceed would be my advice.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL - yes it has been a long time. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am still hearing about my PA and as I said before, I did try a number of things to show I was trustworthy. <p>Thanks for your insight. I think defining what will make me say come home again is the right road. Thankfully - I'll have almost a week of alone time to try & figure that out. I can't wait for my trip tomorrow - even if my bosses are going with me! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I do however feel that each time I don't draw a hardline, nothing changes. Another one of my friends (who doesn't know the whole story from both sides) was telling me that he told his mom (also an unhappy marriage at this time) that sometimes you have to force change instead of waiting on it. He's like a baby brother to me and I think that his words reflect what needs to happen here. I love my H, but right now, if something doesn't stop, my love bank deposits will be depleted before long. <p>I'll be checking back frequently once I get back in town to let you know how I'm doing.<p>Take Care JL! Vee