Can't Plan A. H won't let me. Just wants to live his life as if I was never in it. Rewriting our history together again, saying I've made him "pay" for my first H's A throughout our entire M. How is it that at last contact (supposedly) with OW, (an e-mail to her) he told her that he TRULY loved me; he would spend the REST of his life making up for the pain he'd caused me. That was 10/2/01. Now he just wants it to be over. No emotions for me. No smiles, no nothing. Think he'd be so happy if I just died. He'd get the life insurance, get to stay in the house with the kids, maybe get a new mom for them, all would be grand. I can't believe he really doesn't want to fight for me and our M. I feel so worthless, useless, like such a loser....<p>Feel like I'm losing control of everything. Lost 60 pounds since April. My hair is falling out in CLUMPS. Had tests; doctor says stress. How do I stop it before I'm bald? H doesn't care about that either.<p>I feel like I just wasted 16 years that I'll never get back. Feeling old, used and useless.....<p>Sorry, just feeling so incredibly lost. Wish I could fly to a tropical island somewhere and be someone happy; just for a day.<p>Rambling, I know. I'm at work....don't want to be here. Want my H to call and say, "I was SOOOO wrong. I love you and I'm SOOOOO sorry I've hurt you." It'll never happen. <p>Been praying for 9 straight months for God to heal my heart; heal my H's heart; heal my M. I guess it's really NOT what God wants.......<p>Thanks for listening......... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MOM

MoM<p>You wrote: Want my H to call and say, "I was SOOOO wrong. I love you and I'm SOOOOO sorry I've hurt you." <p>We are in the same boat...I wish my W would do the same...<p>She has moved back home---no recovery and is now talking baout moving backout....<p>This is so hard, isn't it?<p>I don't have any real good advice...just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and someone was reading your post...<p>I know it doesn't mean much but all you can do is take it a day at a time an dhope the fog lifts...<p>If not, please remember it's not your fault...and we all have value...<p>I read something on the notable posts board today.... "Don't ever stop doing what you think is Right."<p>Please take care and hang in there...<p>E<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: Elad ]</p>

MoM,
I know your pain. Its like we are waiting for some miracle to happen, Mine did not. I didnt start to feel better until I decided that its not my fault , I cannot force her to be here if she doesnt want to be. I felt the best when I decided enough I will not work on this by myself, if ws will not help I am done . Every day gets better
roller coaster not so erratic . There is peace coming , It feels good.
My prayers are with you.
CB

MoM...<p>I'd love to hear those words too...<p>All you can do is what you can do for you. Focus on YOU. It will take some of the pressure off. Do things to make yourself happy...even if you don't feel like it.<p>I can remember when I couldn't smile...when a good day was when I didn't cry every hour...just every other...<p>Change has to come from within...YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOU...<p>...and you have to feel better FOR you...<p>...YOU CAN...MOM...YOU CAN...

Thanks, I do thank God for this board. I would probably be in a hospital psyche ward now if now for the support I receive here. Seems I don't know HOW to take control of me. Wish I could just LIVE at the C's office...

Hi MoM,<p>Will the overwhelming sadness & pain ever go away? <p>Yes. When? That's the real question. But it will, in time. In the interim you try your best to keep busy. If you need more do to, call me, I have too much work on my desk and too much work at home. LOL!!! I want to get out the garbage can and put everything in there. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Here is what helped me:<p>1. I began cleaning (kinda like when I was prego and nesting). <p>2. I baked (for some crazy reason it helps relieve my stress - did a post on that several months ago)..... more stress more baking. hmmmm..... well at least it was at that time.<p>3. I post here and try to help others. Oh yes,I make sure I sneak in some help for myself. Learning not to be only a giver but a taker as well. Bet you'al didn't know that??? LOL!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>4. Spent more time with my son. Always a good thing to do. That was after my crying stage. Poor kid, he had to live through that and would come and give me a hug. <p>There could be more. I am sure others have better suggestions. <p>Take Care,
L.

MOM ~ <p>couple of thoughts...<p>Yes you can Plan A. What do you mean..H won't let you?<p>Plan A is about becoming the best you that you can be. Your H has no control over that...unless you let him.<p>I suppose you meant that your H won't let you fill his emotional needs. That's pretty common when an affair is in motion. The same thing happened to me with my H. If your focus in plan A is on yourself - then the inability to fill needs with your H shouldn't affect what you are doing. You just keep doing it.<p>For example, my H didn't think I loved or admired him. The fact was that I was doing alot of things to show him that I did, but because of his A, which I wasn't sure about at the time, the stuff I did basically didn't affect his lovebank.<p>But I didn't stop expressing my love, or my admiration, or offering hugs and kisses when he entered or left my home. It wasn't about HIM. It was about my honest expression of MY feelings.<p>Something you should examine while working on plan A, is answering the question why your self-worth is based on what your H thinks of you.<p>Who is your H right now?<p>He's a guy that cheats on his wife and abandons his family. Why on earth would you make someone like that the basis for your self-worth and esteem?<p>Do you admire him? Do you respect him? So why are you wallowing in misery over his opinion?<p>This is a good time to put the spot light on yourself. What do you need to be happy?<p>If the answer is HIM, then perhaps a re-evaluation of your own emotional state with a good counselor is in order.<p>And one more thought - God only answers our prayers in HIS way and in HIS time. God doesn't respond to instruction lists and time schedules - He works only according to His plan.<p>So why are you giving up just because God didn't fix it your way in your time?<p>Obviously, you need to face and accept reality, but that doesn't mean give up into despair.<p>God will take care of you and fix it how its supposed to be, one way or another, in His time, probably after you have surrendered and learned the lessons he's trying to teach you - and not before.

MoM;<p>I prayed for you also! I know this is a really hard time for you. This is my first post to MB, I have been reading posts since September when someone recommended this site to me! I have some of the same feelings that you do!<p>I am a BS, found out in September. Incredibly, God has given me more strength than I ever knew I had! There are roller coaster days, when I feel pretty miserable, but I know this is all part of a process I need to go through so I can get to the place God wants me to be! I am beginning to understand why the bad days happen to me. The days that are the worst are when I look to my H to give me all of my feelings of value. I am always disappointed, and end up feeling worthless. However, God is a God of grace, and if I remember to pray, I remember that I must first turn to God, because he is the only one who loves me unconditionally! I must try (and pray without ceasing) to not let my H actions determine my feelings of importance. <p>You are of value, and I pray that during your difficult times, God will give you the strength to remember how much you are loved!

MOM-<p>Please, please, let's get a grip together. I think we both could use a hug the way we've been treated by our WS lately. I'm sending some virtual hugs your way.<p>So, tell me about this tropical island...What do you want to do for the day? What will you see? How will MOM be happy on the island? Maybe at least we can talk about this happy place and feel better! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] : I know a little warm sand between my toes sure would feel nice. You know, back in my college days we imported the island fixings into our rooms for a weekend of fun. Maybe we can do that on the forum (just don't get any sand on the keyboard).<p>HoFS

<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

MOM,
I read this and my heart bleeds for you. I wish I had words to say to make it better and make it all go away. I wish I could help you in some way, in any way. I pray for you and think of you often. I have no advice other than be strong and worry about yourself for a while. Take care of your health and try to remember this isn't your fault. Many hugs and prayers headed your way. I wish you peace and hope you find it soon.

Hang in there MOM,<p>I think these feelings are natural....and part of the process. They are definitely not fun tho.<p>You are in my prayers.....try to do something fun for yourself this holiday season. <p>I wish we could all get together for some holiday cheer.....{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}to you and yours....Pat

Mom,<p>I read this and weeped for you. I have felt precisely as you do. All I can tell you is it will get better, I promise it will.<p>What BrambleRose has said is so true, I know right now it's hard to even think about making yourself strong for "YOU", you're still trying to digest that this is really happening.<p>Try to think of yourself as a child, and you are this child's mom, take care of this child. Treat her with kindness, she is going thru the worse time of her life and needs love and nurturing, take care of you for you, MOM. <p>I wish I could help more. I really do know how you're feeling. Just hurts where there aren't words.<p>Love to you,
Jo

TEARS, TEARS, you wouldn't believe, all of you, how you've moved me tonight. I had my bible study and cried and they prayed for me. I didn't get a chance to get back online until now. My H barely spoke to me when I got home. Then he went to bed early.<p>Bramblerose you said
"He's a guy that cheats on his wife and abandons his family. Why on earth would you make someone like that the basis for your self-worth and esteem? Do you admire him? Do you respect him? So why are you wallowing in misery over his opinion?"
WOW, this was POWERFUL to me. I really have never looked at it this way. Thanks for that.<p>BAB, thank you for making your first post to me...I felt truly honored that you broke that silence for me. I am struggling EVERY day to try to understand that God DOES have a plan for me. Just don't like the answers he's giving me right now.<p>HofFS, sounds like you had a grand time in college! We'll talk about the tropical island another day when I can think more clearly. I know I'd have a HUGE tropical drink in my hand, though!!<p>TinyDancer, Miserynmissouri, thank you so much for reaching out to me, in the midst of your own pain.<p>{{{Orchid}}} I cried for you yesterday. Thanks for reaching out and giving to me when you are in such turmoil.<p>{{{Cali}}} You always know the right things to say.<p>Resilient/Jo:
"Try to think of yourself as a child, and you are this child's mom, take care of this child. Treat her with kindness, she is going thru the worse time of her life and needs love and nurturing, take care of you for you, MOM." <p>Also very insightful. I've read SO much of your stuff here. I know that you have been right where I am today.<p>I don't have the right words to express my sincere gratitude to all of you, but please know that you've all lifted me up at many times, and I am SO grateful. I pray daily for everyone here at MB, and I am so grateful to have all of you here praying for me as well.<p>I think I can maybe get some sleep tonight.<p>Thanks everyone.<p>Tomorrow's another day.....<p>MOM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]