Hey Jo!!!<p>Long time, no type. I gotta go with the just toss it and forget about it. Don't send it back. He is appearently trying to elicit a response from you with the verbage and it is working to a degree, you are thinking about him. HINT, don't let him know. Don't send it back. [Did I say that before?] Believe me, I am an instigator and use this technique [not with the X, business wise] often to get a response from someone and it works, don't let it get to you this time.<p>I still get calls from Val that show up on the caller ID when I'm not home. Of course, I don't call back and sure enough she calls me later in the week for something silly. We, as you, don't have children together so there is no reason for continued contact. We are divorced!!! Damn it!!! Oh, wait, there is the dog, Squiggy. Kripes Katey, I had to be informed that he had a flea. So, being a Paramedic, I placed the helicopter on standby and raced up to her place. Ya, right.<p>Bottom line, they [naughty S's] are checking up on us to see if we are living a better and fuller life then they after the choice they made to pursue another.<p>Life is full of choices.<p>I couldn'd be happier with Gina. Thanks Val.<p>Hugs and best wishes to you.<p>Tim

Resilient, <p>RE: “I hope you guys never have to know how it feels to try and exorcise someone out of your mind that has been there, intimately, for 20 years.”<p>I do know how this is. I was with my ex-h for 20 years. We lived together for 6 years and then were married for 14. It is hard to get them out of your system. After that much time it feels like they are literally a part of you. Perhaps a part that has become cancerous, but a part nonetheless.<p>It does get better though. I left him in 1996 (or was it that he kicked me out? Both I think.) Today I am so happy and content to have him out of my life.<p>You are lucky that you have no kids to co-parent with your ex. I finally broke all contact with my ex because he was tormenting me so much.. he had to go through my lawyer if he wanted anything. When he continued to harass me, I got a restraining order against him. He finally got the idea. Now we only communicate about you son, and it is usually via email or snail mail.<p>On the rare occasions that he corners me on the phone or in person he still has to harangue me. He is still trying to convince me that I’m flawed and he’s wonderful. This last week it was about how I’m a bad mom ‘cause I set no standards for the kids (yea right) and other things. <p>He also said that his soon to be step daughter (age 9) is totally flabbergasted because my son tells her things about our new home (it’s very nice… it’s the house that he would never let me have. I finally got it. Nana nana boo boo .. lol), about the big screen TV, satellite dish, and DVD player we bought last xmas as a family gift ( we do big family gifts and only small individual items.), and other stuff. Why on earth he had to blame his disrespectful judgments on a 9-year is beyond me. Just part of the game I guess. My usual answer to him is “what ever”. STL says it should be “bite me” (lol).<p>You see living well and being happy is the best revenge. We don’t have to do anything nasty to them. Just be the best we can be and live the best life we can live. I view the card your H sent you as patronizing. My ex-h is patronizing too. It’s hard to patronize someone who is living well. <p>So Go for it Resilient, if you ex sends you something just trash it. Don’t read it. If he keeps bothering you, send his latest bimbo a dozen roses with a thank you note for taking him off of your hands. (I know you won’t do the roses.. it’s something I might do though.)<p>If he bothers you too much get a restraining order.<p>Get yourself a new birthday tradition. Maybe get a group of friends together had go out. Or have an all woman slumber party. But most of all live well, very well with out him.

Hi Resilient,
Hmmm... Well, it seems to me that your ex is either clueless, or he really is sincere??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Is there any way you can set up your e-mail options to delete anything incoming from him? That would be one way to eliminate his incoming e-mails, but the thing is your deleted folder will highlight, just log off immediately and log back on and that will take care of that...<p>Slug mail is easy, kindly rip & toss without even opening.<p>I don't know how come when people who hurt us the most in our lives feel they have moved on, that they can be friendly? AS IF they are welcome back into our hearts and good thoughts?<p>We can forgive but we don't have to leave the door open for further digs from our abusers... EVEN IF they may not intend for it to hurt us.<p>I could be wrong, but it seems like he knows that you love him still--even after all he has put you through, and he just feels entitled to connect with you and treat you like a lifelong best friend(?) NOT ANYMORE!<p>BTW, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SQUEEZES!!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Jo,<p>I go with everyone else toss it out.<p>My idea is a bit radical but it there anyway you could move; & him not know where you are.<p>Maybe a fresh start over would help you better let go, just idea.<p>I wish I had never had to see, talk or hear from my STBX. Instead he is in & out of my home to see the boys. I hate it but it is the best way for him to see the boys & really spend time with them during the week.<p>Hope you are doing better this morning.

Hi Jo:<p>Well, he's at it again I see. I honestly feel that they just don't get it...like BINthereDUNthat said they think they can deal you the biggest blow or disappointment in your life and then remain friends with you (after they've given you a "little time" to "get over" it).<p>.....And if they feel any guilt they try to cover that by telling themselves "they really don't mean to hurt you"...they just want you to be happy...to accept the unacceptable...to get past it...to move on...as if they feel that if you do...then they are off the hook.<p>.....And part of it is they like the fact that they are so hard to get over...that you can love them so much...and can't realize what a gift that is...and how stupidly they have thrown that away.<p>.....But take away that power from him...throw away that stupid card...ignore him....don't give him the power to make you unhappy anymore...he's done enough...any reaction on your part is a victory for him...it means you still care....the greatest hurt for him right now is to have you not care any longer...for now you may have to pretend even to yourself...but everyday you will care a little less....until one day you won't have to pretend anymore...or try anymore not to care...you just won't anymore.<p>....Don't expect him to get it...he probably never will...it's his failing though...always has been...probably always will be....the only thing he can see and feel is how he sees and feels. You, however, Jo, can see and feel for others and you need to save that for someone who truly is going to appreciate it.<p>Love you, Faye.

Jo,
You could sent him a note stating, "thanks for the nice card, you're wishes for me have come true, my life is awesome right now. I thought it was over but the anticipation of the future fills me with excitement. I am doing things that I thought I could never do.... etc, etc. Point is.... give him a little of the best revenge is success mode. Better yet.... after you have sent the note, make it come true. Jo, you have alot to offer... so go and make your life fun and continue to exorcise him out of your thoughts. It will happen....

Well, my reply is a bit different than the others. It sounded to me like your ex is a bit worried about you and does still care for you on a certain level. It did not sound like he meant to be cruel by the card. It sounded as if he wanted the best for you and that your past together was not something he would just forget.<p>Also, I don't think it was a sympathy card either. It was your birthday, he just didnt want to let it pass without SOMETHING.<p>I realize it hurt tho. and if you don't want more contact, I would let him know that you don't.
It didn't sound like he was sending this just to make himself feel better about things either.<p>Just my opinion....good luck....

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ConfusedMom:
<strong>Well, my reply is a bit different than the others. It sounded to me like your ex is a bit worried about you and does still care for you on a certain level. It did not sound like he meant to be cruel by the card. It sounded as if he wanted the best for you and that your past together was not something he would just forget.<p>Also, I don't think it was a sympathy card either. It was your birthday, he just didnt want to let it pass without SOMETHING.<p>I realize it hurt tho. and if you don't want more contact, I would let him know that you don't.
It didn't sound like he was sending this just to make himself feel better about things either.<p>Just my opinion....good luck....</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Thank you for your spin on what my H had to say in his card. I would like to believe what you think, CM .... but I don't understand. <p>My H keeps doing this, and by this I mean contacting me (at my urging to leave me alone) and saying emotional "things" that he KNOWS will hurt me, example: I love you and miss you but I'm staying with other woman.<p>And in his card he states for me to "find YOUR family" ..... in case you didn't know CM, my H left me for one of the two women he got pregnant nine years ago during our marriage (truly a one-night stand) and made a family with her (her an her bevy of kids, including my H's OC, leaving me childless, familyless) .... so his statement for me to find MY family understandably hurts, and I would think he would know that because he knows how much I wanted a family/kids.<p>After reading what you've said, it makes me want to apologize to him .... but I can't continue to have him contact me reminding me he has rejected me again and again. You see, I still love him, I'm a fool.<p>Jo

you are not fool, he is.

Resilient,<p>RE: "After reading what you've said, it makes me want to apologize to him .... but I can't continue to have him contact me reminding me he has rejected me again and again. You see, I still love him, I'm a fool."<p>When a person refuses to honor a person's request, they are being disrespectful. It is the same as saying "You don't know what you need so I'm going to deside for you." While the take that he just cares for you is one we would all like be believe, it don't see how that is possible at all. A person who cares for another does not trash them and then rub salt in the wounds. <p>Don't over analize his intentions. Look at your needs. You need space and time so that you can heal. If he will not honor your request for them then he is not being respectful of you. But it seems there is nothing new in that.<p>When unsure of how to resolve the contradiction between what a person says and their actions, always go with their actions. Words are cheap and easy to spin. Actions never lie.<p>Z

Gawd Zorweb, you are such a smart woman, I thank God that you're here. <p>I was feeling bad about being mean to H, but you're so RIGHT ON, his actions speak volumes of how much he CARES FOR ME. Thank you for reminding me so I can not feel guilty. THANK YOU!<p>God Bless you,
Jo [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Jo. Sorry I am a bit late on this one, been real busy. <p>Wanted to add my 2 cents though. I think Z hit it right on the nose with that last post. Regardless of what your H's intentions were, he is still disrespecting you by continuing to contact you after you have asked him not to.<p>For the record, when I read his card, I saw a little boy who is all screwed up and doesn't know where to go. I felt as though he was looking for some acknowledgement that you still loved him, so that he could have his 5-minute remove-the-guilt high, with no regard for how it made you feel. It was totally selfish and inconsiderate.<p>This was all about his needs, Jo. That is what his letter was about, him trying to fulfill HIS needs. Whatever the reason is that he sent it, he did it FOR HIM, not for you. He did it to get some need filled, be it to relieve guilt, know you're okay, or hurt you, it was all about him.<p>You need to take control and get your needs met. #1 is no contact from him. Make the contact stop. You have the power. Take everyone else's advice about throwing away the letters, etc. You can do this. <p>I am sorry for all the pain he has caused you. You deserve so much more, and I know God has a plan for you. You will be happy again. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p><<<<<Hugz>>>>>>
HbH