Well, I thought I did pretty darn good on my BDay, I knew it wouldn't be easy to be by myself so I just took the day in stride. See, our (H's and mine) BDays were a big deal in the past. We always celebrated them to the hilt, just a tradition for him and I. And "NO", I didn't hear from my H. And I was sooo thankful for that. <p>Until .....<p>This morning when I walked into work. I went to my slugmail and there it is, a card. <p>And hand written inside is the following:<p>Dear Jo,<p>The last time I talked to you, you asked me "what do I want for you" ...<p>

• I want you to laugh alot with close friends
• Have a job you really love
• Be warm, safe and healthy
• Find your family and real love - if that's what you want

<p>Happy Birthday <p>You are in my thoughts,
Steve<p>*************************************************
The last convo we had I didn't ask him this, I asked him this about 10 convos ago (mos ago). And the last bullet ... well it has me to where I feel like D-Day all over again. You know, I thought I found REAL love ... I thought I had "a family". But now I am entirely alone, no family whatsoever.<p>And just because HE has now found REAL LOVE and "HIS" family ... and because he's so happy now with one of the women he made babies with during our marriage, he finds it necessary to wish me the same. <p>Well, you know what .. [censored] HIM! What is the flippin use of trying to heal emotionally when I have him constantly reminding me that I was not good enough, after 20 years, to be his family, not to mention our love was never "REAL"??????? Just rub some more salt into this gaping hole of a wound .... <p>I cannot do this anymore. I really can't. I feel like I've been beaten down as far as I can go. I tried, I really did .... but I just can't do this anymore.<p>For a man that it so sensitive, how can he continue to make sure I don't forget I was not good enough and he rejected me again and again, only to reel me back in.<p>I have sent the card back "Return to Sender" without any explaination. I hurt so bad I want to die ... this man is a monster. We are divorced, but "this" will never end no matter how hard I try.<p>I would really like someone to explain my XH's need to contact me and say these things, Anyone?!<p>Jo<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

{{{Jo}}}
I'm so very sorry he's such a pric*! Can you change your e-mail address? Don't give him any place to contact you. Or just tell him that you don't want him to contact you again, in any way, shape or form; ever. You've probably already done that, but just a thought. My prayers go out to you.....<p>MOM

How about an email stating if he continues his harrasment you will take legal action and then block his email address.<p>Yeah your H is a real piece of work.<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>

This was not an e-mail, this was a real card in slugmail (snailmail) .. in Washington State we call it Slugmail. <p>Jo

What about being very clear with him that you want him to leave you along. <p>If you wanted to you could write him a note telling him what you did above about why you the card hurt you and why you consider it harrassment.<p>But whether or not you tell him that, I like that idea of sending him a letter or email telling him that if he ever contacts you again, in anyway you will get a restraining order against him. And if his OW harrasses you, include her in the promise.<p>Make it so clear to him that he can never say he was just trying to be nice.<p>What a slug he is.

I totally agree with the posts about the restraining order. He wanted out. He wanted a new life. Great. Get on with it. Leave you out of it. He doesn't get to have it both ways.<p>That said, I would suggest you not open any more mail from him, or email, return calls, etc etc.

I think the "return to sender" was a great message.<p>Happy belated Birthday, Resilient. You, my dear, need a new tradition, don't ya think? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>LLL

Jo,
As one who went thru it...don't do anything...don't read the cards, don't open the email, if he calls, just say "I gotta go". Was a little bit harder in my situation, as I had 3 kids...whom he was welcome to communicate with in any form he wanted...well, he was more interested in harrassing me. But if you reply it simply gives him something to feed on.
T

My H sent almost the exact same message to me in an email. It is an ego thing. THey once again think they have to put their 2 cents in about what we should do with our lives. Bu*****t!! <p>From now on, my H can take his words of wisdom and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.<p>I also will be sending all correspondence with him back unopened. If he was so insightful...why doesn't he see the damage he has caused. I have already told him to live his life and leave me alone....no more. It really takes a load off. We can't change them....and I for one will never listen to his philosophical statements anymore. What a bunch of crap. Yuck....<p>Take care Resilient you are worth so much more than that. I hope you do find someone wonderful...you deserve it. It is his loss.

Jo,<p>Ditto Twyla! Ignore it all - don't expose yourself and you can minimize the hurt. My take on why he keeps after you is this - he is a serial cheat. One woman is NEVER going to be enough for him. Even though he doesn't want to be married or faithful to you, he would still like to keep you in the game. It feeds his ego to have you still wanting him, and this may be his way of trying to keep you wanting him - to show "care" and "concern" for your welfare and happiness.<p>Sorry to be so blunt, and I hope this didn't make you feel worse, but it is truly what I think.<p>Take care, Desiree

double ditto Twyla<p>I have some other thoughts that I will hold until the raw emotions die down. Just know that I believe that you can get thru this and, with Twyla's advice, prevent it from happening again.

Resilient - Happy Birthday [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I echo the previous posts, to me, this is a combo of " cakeman" and a bid for control.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The last time I talked to you, you asked me "what do I want for you" ...<p>
I want you to laugh alot with close friends
Have a job you really love
Be warm, safe and healthy
Find your family and real love - if that's what you want<hr></blockquote><p>Not to be rude, but he needs an old fashioned a** kickin'<p>Dan

Jo,<p>You did it honey, you finally got mad. Sorry to keep popping up here out of nowhere, but I am just so proud of you right now I feel like bursting. You are 100% right on...what a SOB he is. He has NEVER deserved you...and I can tell you one thing, he is the one that deserves pity here my dear, not you...the condescending tone of his "card" just proves that he has not a clue of the damage he left behind...or the beautiful, warm, forgiving woman. He blew it Jo, and he knows it.<p>miss you....allison jo

So guys ... what I'm hearing is do not send the card back? Is that the concensus? Because I haven't sent it yet. <p>Jo [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Throw it away..no response.
T

Yes, I believe he does not understand that these things hurt you to the marrow. I also believe that he is trying to be compassionate, but doesn't understand that he's not being successful. I truly believe he thinks this may make you feel better and I believe for him to feel this means he has some guilt and understands he caused you pain, but he doesn't come close to understanding how much pain.<p>I hope I haven't added to your pain. Please know I care for you and I'm just trying to be objective. I very much validate your feelings as I expect similar from my stbx.<p>Warmly,
Dave

I'm really sorry I got so upset. I just have such a PROBLEM with him continuing to contact me. My God, WE ARE DIVORCED! And we have no children, so there is no reason for contact.<p>I hope you guys never have to know how it feels to try and exorcise someone out of your mind that has been there, imtimately, for 20 years. And I have worked hard at it, I don't have a choice. So every single friggin day I get out of bed and look hard for a reason to smile, and fight damn hard to make the memories GO AWAY!<p>It's a daily battle and an emotional war that tears you up inside because you know this "IS IT" ... you'll never have that person in your life again. Or so you thought ..... <p>I don't want to hope again .. I don't want to fantasize that one day he'll have an epiphany, become Christian and come running home to me because that isn't going to happen, and I know that. <p>If he felt so compelled to wish me a happy BDay, he could have simply sent a pre-printed card that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". But he picked a blank card and knew exactly what to write. He is heartless. And he needs to leave me alone. <p>You guys don't know, I was so hapy with myself this morning, felt somewhat freed and strong ... and then this. <p>I'm rambling and upset still ... I'll calm down and post thank yous to you guys once I feel a bit calmer.<p>Jo

Hugzzz Resilient...<p>Jo...remember your name...you chose it for a reason...YOU ARE RESILIENT...you will chose to learn and grow from each experience...<p>He...well...words can't express what I think about a man that would use you the way he did...<p>But...I agree with the concensus...though the curiousity must be overwhelming...throw the cards away...unread...trash the emails...unread...<p>I know you want a miracle...I can hear it in your posts...and you will get one...and because God is in charge of the miracles you can be sure it is the ONE best for you...it may not be the one you want...but it will be the one you need....<p>Cali

Dear Jo, <p>You know the sarcastic side of me is going to come out on this one. I have my personal views but right now I want to say that I would be tempted to respond with: 'Well, I was happy until you send this so STOP!'<p>Maybe you are just too nice for stooping to that level. I have great respect for you Jo. He is bring out the anger in you and you need to get it out. One day, his actions will not make you angry any more. That day will come. <p>We will be here for you, just call.<p>Hugz,
L.

My therapist suggested this when I was questioning how WH would ever stop talking to OW. She suggested that he could TRAIN himself to delete any e-mails from her or through out any snail mail from her, or not answer the phone when its her (the joy of Caller ID). So my two part suggestion is:<p>Without kids:
Return all snail mail to sender w/o opening, block all his e-mail addresses, get caller-ID or screen calls. W/o kids is easier since you really don't ever have to talk to him. If he pays alimony or your benefits, talk to your lawyer, or directly with his employer (for benefit problems). He will probably "get it" after a while.<p>With kids:
A bit trickier - insist on strictly business. Arrange meeting times, set ground rules. If he gets personal, walk away or hang up. tell him ahead of time that this is how you will be coping with his behavior, so he will "get it" quicker. Have a friend you trust read any personal mail from him, and allow you to read it only if it pertains to kids or strictly business.<p>It's a tall order . . . and it's so much easier to GIVE advice than it is to follow. When WH and I were separated, I had to blcok all his e-mail and AOL instant messages for awhile, because they were infuriating and upsetting. I can't say that my will pwoer was all that great. I just kept fooling myself that I could convince him if I kept e-mailing . . . didn't work. WH came back after I backed off. I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I could have followed my own advice.<p>- WLE

Well guys, Lora and I talked. She made a good point. She said she knows I have told my H several times for quite some time, in every conceiveable way possible, to leave me alone. <p>She said .... "He left me, he wanted Lana (OW), he filed for D" .... "but who is having a problem letting go?" "Who keeps contacting who?"<p>She said she thinks he protests to hard. And is wondering who he's trying to convince with his wise words and wishes for me to MOVE ON. Why does he feel he needs to keep in touch to make sure I move on?<p>What do you guys think about that bit of psychology?<p>Jo