excerpt from How One of You can Bring the Two of You Together by Susan Page...<p>Experiment #3: Find Your Booby Prize
List the main problem or problems you have with your marriage. Next to each item on your list, put the initial of the person whose fault this problem is; yours, your partner's, or both.<p>Let yourself experience how if feels in your body to be right about the obstacles in your relationship. There is a certain comfort in it. Of course, it makes you angry too; but at least you don't have to feel guilty or in any way bad about yourself. And when you talk to your friends about this problem, you no doubt get a great deal of agreement with your position, and that makes you feel loved and supported.<p> Do you think you could let go of being right? Let's explore <p> The problem with being right about the way you analyze your problem is that that's all you get . That's it. You get to be right. You don't get to solve the problem. You don't get to be closer to your spouse. You don't get to reduce the conflict in your relationship. You don't get to stop feeling angry. You don't get the changes you long for. <p>Being right is a dead end. Life just stops there. Nothing else happens.....<p>...but there is even a worse problem associated with being right. It makes you helpless.
Usually your "right" view of the situation is that the problem is your spouse's fault. See how many of the problems on your list start out, "My partner won't...." or "My partner is too..." or "My partner isn't...."
If the only solution to the problem is that your spouse needs to make a change, this puts you in a terribly weak position. Because if you can't induce your spouse to change, there is nothing left for you to do. Another dead end....<p> You find the gold in your relationship by figuring out what role you play in the ongoing dynamics, for it is in rewriting your own script that you will discover powerful inner strength and the ability to transform your marriage....<p>[ December 06, 2001: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Hey Cali, I just read your post tonite. It was very good. You seem to have so much strength with all that has happened to you. I try to keep up with you because our stories are so alike. My boys are 11, 8 and 5, and my daughter is 2 1/2. Our d-day's are about the same as well. My WH is home too, and is not seeing the ow. Unless, I haven't found the clues yet. But at this stage in the game, if I did find out he was back with her, I'd plan B him immediately and file for a legal separation. I in now way am going to go through that hell again for him. I won't share my bed with the ow again. ITs not worth it to me. I know it sounds harsh, but this year has been rough to say the least. I too, have finally figured it out that big whoop!! I'm right about this and I'm right about that. But where has it gotten me??? Not where I want to be. So, I too am on a long quest as well. Do I really have to be always right? Is being right that important? And how does me having to be right all the time affected my h? We've been together 14 years and married almost 12. He's been gone for a week and he comes home tomorrow and I soooo miss him like crazy. He says he misses me alot and can't wait to see me. Anyhow, been thinking about you and your family and your in my prayers. Paytonrose

Thanks paytonrose...I remember some of the posts you made...<p>...I am glad that your H is with you...I know that I am thankful for everyday I have with mine...<p>...there have been so many steps forward lately that the steps backwards almost don't matter...<p>I am trying the experiments in Page's book...and thought that I would 'share' some of the one's I feel are the most significant...at least they have been for me...<p>I really think her book is a good one for how to do a really good plan A.

Cali,<p>I've done tons of thinking about these kinds of things. As you've noticed, a lot of my posts are about all the ways I've screwed up. I find I've been coming to terms with my past, it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but I don't feel I'm moving forward very fast. I guess this excerpt is right. So what if I know what I've done, the problem is what to do about it, how am I going to change. I think I'm stuck on the past too much, that's probably my booby prize. <p>Even Ruiz says that it's the doing that's important. Real love is in the doing, not in the understanding. I guess I've been stuck trying to understand, maybe just an excuse not to do. I'm so worried about resolving the past before moving on in the present. <p>O.k., so I'm going to try an experiment. Show love today, be honest and open about today's stuff. If the past comes up, I can deal with it then. Probably not so overwhelming this way.<p>I think I'm going to sit down and make the list anyway. I find that I spend lot's of time rethinking the same stuff over and over. Nice to write it down once so I can start worrying about the solutions. Good plane-ride project.<p>Thanks,<p>Jeffers